Lessons on relationships and marriage from the main protagonist

[Chipochashe]

I think one of the biggest lessons is that for generations, we have not taught men how to process their feelings. We have left all the emotional work of maintaining relationships on women. These men were prototypical college boys for so much of their lives. The bigger surprise was any of them being willing to go to therapy. Especially since the point of the book is to talk about the "man missions" where the men basically have to out "man" each other, I feel like the biggest lesson is that friendship is important, but even good friendships can have toxic elements.

Very true. If one cannot process one's emotions, expressing them becomes next to impossible.

[godly02]

The main protagonist was under a lot of stress when he committed his infidelity. Ultimately, he had a weak moment and allowed it to overcome him. He only truly felt the effects of his actions when he was confronted in Vietnam. I believe he learned a lesson that he desperately needed to learn. Even when he met Sarah, he still thought of Rachel and his absence in the life of his children. He still reminisced about how beautiful Rachel was when they met and about how much he misses her. I think we need to learn from that to communicate and appreciate your spouse no matter what the situation is. The lack of those necessities is ultimately what drew them apart in my opinion.

Daniel did the right thing, in my opinion. He realized that his woman had been unhappy for a long time. He respected her need for space and moved into an apartment, whilst seeking counseling. The counseling ultimately worked, and after a healthy time apart, he and Pam are better than ever. A lot can be learned about this. I don't believe he was giving up by succumbing to the separation. I feel that if he forced the relationship by staying in the home during counseling, it may have had a different effect.

I haven read the book as of yet but I do agree with how you have interpreted the two different ways of handling issues in a marriage. Especially the fact that being separated does not mean failure if both parties are willing to put in the work to mend what is cracked or broken.

[godly02]

I think the concept of self sacrifice as a required marital element needs a serious going over. Spouses should be doing what they do for each other because it makes them happy, not because it's oart of the "Relationship Rulebook."

I agree with you. Sacrificing one’s happiness for another can lead to complete distraction. What makes one persons happiness more important than the other?

[Maria Esposito]

I think the main relationship advice the book has to offer is that if you're not true to yourself, you won't be to anyone else. We see the main character struggling with unfulfillment on all levels, professional and personal, and he does nothing about it (apart from going on yearly man missions, of course). He tries to hide and suppress his feelings until he cannot help but cheat on his wife as a form of escapism from his life problems. That maybe would have not happened had he been more communicative and open to sharing his feelings.

[Sugarlump54]

i don’t think people realize what being committed in a marriage really means until the honeymoon is over and regular life takes hold. I think Alec saw how his friends had changed in their marriages and was afraid that would happen to him. It’s like when you move somewhere you always wanted to live and get so excited, but eventually you have to pay bills do laundry work long hours...it’s not as much fun as it was at first... that’s when the work of building new things in a relationship to keep the spark going happens. These guys did not do that.

[Inkroverts]

I learnt to have our priorities and make sacrifices. After all, we can't have everything in life. (And a lot of things in life are tempting) If we can pinpoint what we want most, I think we'll be less regretful when it comes to sacrificing some less important things.

[Julius_]

The main lessons I learned we're:
#1 Communication is very important for a relationship to succeed. If Rachel and the protagonist sat down and tried to find solutions to their Miss understandings, maybe their relationship may have survived.

#2 it's very advisable to find time for your family. It's very unfair that you give priority to your friends while you leave your wife with all the home struggles.

3 A stay at home mom also has lots of work to do. It's untrue that she's always in a vacation, so that a working husband should leave her all alone at home when he's going for adventures.

[Julius_]

I learnt to have our priorities and make sacrifices. After all, we can't have everything in life. (And a lot of things in life are tempting) If we can pinpoint what we want most, I think we'll be less regretful when it comes to sacrificing some less important things.

I agree that relationship requires a lot of sacrifice. We should always focus on what we have and be thankful for it, instead of salivating for what's beyond us. This is a great lesson. Thanks for it!

[Julius_]

i don’t think people realize what being committed in a marriage really means until the honeymoon is over and regular life takes hold. I think Alec saw how his friends had changed in their marriages and was afraid that would happen to him. It’s like when you move somewhere you always wanted to live and get so excited, but eventually you have to pay bills do laundry work long hours...it’s not as much fun as it was at first... that’s when the work of building new things in a relationship to keep the spark going happens. These guys did not do that.

I agree with you that these guys should have considered their family and mentally invove them. They could do this by tactically making them support and find pleasure in their man missions.

[Julius_]

I think the main relationship advice the book has to offer is that if you're not true to yourself, you won't be to anyone else. We see the main character struggling with unfulfillment on all levels, professional and personal, and he does nothing about it (apart from going on yearly man missions, of course). He tries to hide and suppress his feelings until he cannot help but cheat on his wife as a form of escapism from his life problems. That maybe would have not happened had he been more communicative and open to sharing his feelings.

Communication is the key to an healthy relationship. Not just relationship, it's very vital in everything. Maybe that's why they drafted the rule about allowing whining. Keeping silent while you feel dissatisfied leads to greater problems. See what happened to the protagonists' marriages.

[Julius_]

I think the concept of self sacrifice as a required marital element needs a serious going over. Spouses should be doing what they do for each other because it makes them happy, not because it's oart of the "Relationship Rulebook."

I agree with you. Sacrificing one’s happiness for another can lead to complete distraction. What makes one persons happiness more important than the other?

I think it's just a matter of sitting down and discussing what works for both of you. Everyone's happiness should be put into consideration.

[Julius_]

The main protagonist was under a lot of stress when he committed his infidelity. Ultimately, he had a weak moment and allowed it to overcome him. He only truly felt the effects of his actions when he was confronted in Vietnam. I believe he learned a lesson that he desperately needed to learn. Even when he met Sarah, he still thought of Rachel and his absence in the life of his children. He still reminisced about how beautiful Rachel was when they met and about how much he misses her. I think we need to learn from that to communicate and appreciate your spouse no matter what the situation is. The lack of those necessities is ultimately what drew them apart in my opinion.

Daniel did the right thing, in my opinion. He realized that his woman had been unhappy for a long time. He respected her need for space and moved into an apartment, whilst seeking counseling. The counseling ultimately worked, and after a healthy time apart, he and Pam are better than ever. A lot can be learned about this. I don't believe he was giving up by succumbing to the separation. I feel that if he forced the relationship by staying in the home during counseling, it may have had a different effect.

I haven read the book as of yet but I do agree with how you have interpreted the two different ways of handling issues in a marriage. Especially the fact that being separated does not mean failure if both parties are willing to put in the work to mend what is cracked or broken.

It's here that divorce/ separation is actually better than staying together when you're incompatible. I agree with you that it doesn't show failure.

[godly02]

I think the concept of self sacrifice as a required marital element needs a serious going over. Spouses should be doing what they do for each other because it makes them happy, not because it's oart of the "Relationship Rulebook."

I agree with you. Sacrificing one’s happiness for another can lead to complete distraction. What makes one persons happiness more important than the other?

I think it's just a matter of sitting down and discussing what works for both of you. Everyone's happiness should be put into consideration.

Exactly! Communication is a key factor in making sure everyone is fully happy.

[adamgreenrock]

Always know how to communicate properly with your lover, show them and your kids that you love them, and know that you have to gave up your wants every once in a while for their sake.

[Bles]

From the book I learned that marriage works best if both partners are present. Secondly, marriage isn't a bed of roses and it needs sacrifices from both sides for it to flourish.