survivor

Use this forum to discuss the September 2020 Book of the month, " "Kalayla" by Jeannie Nicholas.
Joan642
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Re: survivor

Post by Joan642 »

No one likes to show their weaknesses, and finding someone, no matter how closely related, that you can trust with it can be really hard to do, but when you do, it gives you a little bit of courage.
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Post by Ldpuff »

There is so much stigma associated with mental health. It should be the norm for people to ask for and accept help, but instead it is looked at as weakness. It’s a travesty. Being a teacher I see so many students and their parents suffering and do not want to ask for help. In these situations I am helpless. I know they are making mistakes, but I can’t force the right choice on them.
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Post by Eunice Geres »

Lhammamy wrote: 16 Sep 2020, 09:04
Nhitra wrote: 14 Sep 2020, 13:37 Asking for help is hard. Worried that you'll be ridiculed or frowned upon if you ever voice your concern. Maybe the fault doesn't lie in the people not asking for help but in their loved one who doesn't give them a safe environment for them to ask for help without fear.
That is so true!! I think it lies on our loved ones to show us their care and trustworthiness. Without that, how are we gonna know that nobody will judge our mistakes?
I learned not to ask for help, not because I'm scared of being vulnerable in front of others. I learned not to ask for help because they just ignored me when I needed it. So I think it just doesn't lie to our loved ones because those who ignored me are my loved ones. I think it lies in the people who love us. We can love as many people as we want but there's only few who would love us back and help us in time of need without judgement
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Post by Joseph_ngaruiya »

Joan642 wrote: 16 Sep 2020, 10:30 No one likes to show their weaknesses, and finding someone, no matter how closely related, that you can trust with it can be really hard to do, but when you do, it gives you a little bit of courage.
Ldpuff wrote: 16 Sep 2020, 18:37 There is so much stigma associated with mental health. It should be the norm for people to ask for and accept help, but instead it is looked at as weakness. It’s a travesty. Being a teacher I see so many students and their parents suffering and do not want to ask for help. In these situations I am helpless. I know they are making mistakes, but I can’t force the right choice on them.
Fae Liesl Enchantee wrote: 17 Sep 2020, 23:05
Lhammamy wrote: 16 Sep 2020, 09:04
Nhitra wrote: 14 Sep 2020, 13:37 Asking for help is hard. Worried that you'll be ridiculed or frowned upon if you ever voice your concern. Maybe the fault doesn't lie in the people not asking for help but in their loved one who doesn't give them a safe environment for them to ask for help without fear.
That is so true!! I think it lies on our loved ones to show us their care and trustworthiness. Without that, how are we gonna know that nobody will judge our mistakes?
I learned not to ask for help, not because I'm scared of being vulnerable in front of others. I learned not to ask for help because they just ignored me when I needed it. So I think it just doesn't lie to our loved ones because those who ignored me are my loved ones. I think it lies in the people who love us. We can love as many people as we want but there's only few who would love us back and help us in time of need without judgement

Indeed, finding a confidant takes time. Could this be the reason Kalayla has a hard time opening up to Lena? A lot of people fear asking for assistance because they either have no one they trust or from fear of being stigmatized. It's therefore needed for you to see and look at people different, regardless of their social status, background, or skin color. After Jamal died during their racing event with Clarence, what really got Maureen sad, sorry, and upset was that her family hadn't been able to see beyond the color of Jamal's skin. It's for this reason that she wouldn't ask them for a helping hand.
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.
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Post by dianaterrado »

I absolutely love this quote. And I think it rings true for everyone. We weren't made to be alone. We are creatures that seek company and social relationships. I think it's enough to say that we really do need to seek help from other people from time to time. Sometimes the best way to help yourself is to ask for help from others.
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Post by Aniza Butt »

I agree, people think that they would seem venerable if they ask for help but sometimes, asking for help is the only way. And if you get help, you will be able to help others and the cycle goes on.
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Post by JB3 »

Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do along with admitting when you are wrong. However it is still important to know yourself and your limitations so that when you dod get into trouble you are capable of knowing when you need someone else's help.
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Post by Luluwa79 »

Joseph_ngaruiya wrote: 07 Sep 2020, 03:44
Wesley Friday wrote: 06 Sep 2020, 20:56 I think getting help from others starts from the point of making one's self vulnerable in the presence of the potential helper. Though we are social beings, if making friends as adults is much harder than in our childhood, how much do you think opening up about one's deepest flaws to someone you barely know as an adult will be. These women in the novel essentially lacked the emotional support a close relation could offer. Thus stepping out of their comfort zones to interact with persons who weren't professionals was probably much harder. But just like Lena said, in the end, they got help to help themselves by looking around themselves.
I choose to disagree with you for saying, getting help from others starts from the point of making one's self vulnerable in the presence of the potential helper. In this case, neither Maureen nor Kalayla knew Lena would help them out. Lena knew Maureen worked at Eddie's for a year, yet she only stepped in to help after noticing Kalayla was living with her.
So are you saying, even though Maureen asked for help, Lena would not have helped if Kalayla is not living with her?
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Post by Nelson Lyric »

I agree with you, the quote:
AntonelaMaria wrote: 01 Sep 2020, 11:27 "There's no way you can stop people from making mistakes no matter how much you want to. I couldn't stop myself. I don't know why I thought I could stop anybody else. I guess because I did learn one big thing. I learned that if you get help, you can help yourself."
Is thought Provoking, In addition, it helped me understand why we fail in many ways, only because we thought we can handle everything by our selves. If Lena opened up earlier, she shouldn't have suffered the depression (self-isolation and feeling of unworthy).

Therefore, man can not dwell in the absence of others. Furthermore, a problem is easily solved when it is shared.
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Post by Damian Keyes »

This quote describes who Lena is throughout this book, and that is a strong woman who knows that life is not perfect, but stop making excuses and do better for yourself. Lena is 72 at this point, so she have grown from the abuse and not speaking up for herself momennts in her marriage and she's now giving Maureen and Kalayla the life lessons that helped her get out of that negative situation.
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Post by engarl »

Nhitra wrote: 14 Sep 2020, 13:37 Asking for help is hard. Worried that you'll be ridiculed or frowned upon if you ever voice your concern. Maybe the fault doesn't lie in the people not asking for help but in their loved one who doesn't give them a safe environment for them to ask for help without fear.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have had personal experience with this in my life and as a new mom I hope to be able to change that for my children. In fact, that's something that I really admire about Lena in this story...the fact that she gives help without judgement. She is able to understand what Kalayla is feeling without Kalayla necessarily explaining her feelings out loud and she is just a friend. That is a gift and I think one of the reasons she was so successful at helping the girl. Unfortunately, it seems she learned it the hard way after not succeeding as well with her own children. I don't think that was her fault for the most part though.
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Post by engarl »

The other thing I wanted to speak to (but forgot about when I wrote my previous post) was the lack of preachiness from Lena. The 'holier than thou' attitude helps no one when they are down in the dumps. Maureen always looked up to Lena, but it wasn't because Lena specifically told her she was such a great mom...in fact, she wasn't the mom that Maureen thought she was, but therein lies the key to empathy. True help comes from someone who is empathetic and a friend, not someone who is 'preachy'.

Side note, I am not referring to religious preaching. 'Preachers', in that sense, can be empathetic, and can be friends too.
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Post by Heidadel »

The world we live in teaches us that we have to work things out to be seen as tough. The rule is that the toughest are the ones who survive. Many people yearn to be helped but are afraid to ask for help in fear of being ridiculed. Those who get the help are shy to acknowledge it because they do not want to be seen as dependent. Ego drives us. I love the character of Maureen to a certain extend because she chose to accept the help Lena extended to her. I also love Lena for embracing Kalayla as her own despite the fact that they were not related by blood.
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Post by moowshiri »

It is indeed true that there's absolutely no way of preventing people from making mistakes. However, I only think that the only thing that one can do is offer the necessary advice.
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Post by elisathelvarik »

AntonelaMaria wrote: 01 Sep 2020, 11:27 There is one quote from Lena that kind of stuck with me.

"There's no way you can stop people from making mistakes no matter how much you want to. I couldn't stop myself. I don't know why I thought I could stop anybody else. I guess because I did learn one big thing. I learned that if you get help, you can help yourself."

It seems really inspiring but also true. How many times we know were are making a mistake and we do it anyway or know someone in our family is doing it but we can stop it? How many times we are trying to tought it out and not reach out for help thinking is the sign of weakness? In the end, when she allowed her friend and her mother to be there for her and help her she stopped hiding behind the bottle. She survived so much and then she is able to see that Maureen is making a mistakes and having a hard time. So she is there for her and Kalayla. She really is an amazing friend. Without the judgement and preachiness.

What are your thoughts?
This quote is so inspiring and shows the importance of awareness of your actions and seeking help. When we ignore our problems or push them off like they are nothing, we are continually putting ourselves into more harm. Vulnerability and transparency are so important when you are going through tough times. Getting help whether it's from family, friends, or a trained professional will always help. We are often conditioned to say, "I'm fine" and continue, but we are the only ones that muster up the strength to ask someone for help. Amazing quote from the book to point out!
“There is only one who is all powerful, and his greatest weapon is love.”
― Stan Lee :romance-heartbeating:
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