Official Review: Into the mind of a woman: 5 shortcuts to...

[npandit]

[Following is the official OnlineBookClub.org review of "Into the mind of a woman: 5 shortcuts to save your relationship" by Habib M. R. Kamara.]

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Review of: Into the Mind of a Woman—5 Shortcuts to Save Your Relationship
Genre: Non-Fiction
Score: 2/4

Into the Mind of a Woman: 5 Shortcuts to Save Your Relationship is a tiny, 19 page booklet offering a few tips to help partners understand the opposite gender better, in the hope of being able to strengthen their romantic relationship. The following were the criteria I used to evaluate the book.

• 1. What was the book’s purpose, and did it fulfill it (Content)? 2/4
  
  The purpose of this book, I think, was to present some tips for men on how to improve their relationship with a female partner by understanding the way a woman’s mind works. However, while the title of the book suggests that it is written primarily for men, the author speaks to both men and women. (There is a list of “five crucial things that your man wants to hear from you" which seemed a bit odd to include in a book that appears to be catered to men.)
  
  While some of the author's observations on the differences between men and women seemed reasonable, there were too many generalizations, and some of those generalizations sounded a little male-chauvinistic:
  

  (Pg 9) “By nature, a man is a conservative human being. Sharing his problems is not an easy task for him. As an old saying goes man doesn’t feel pain. Complaining about problems is a trait directly linked with a more feminine nature, and is categorized as a sign of weakness and incapability to solve the problem. The very basic way by which a man is defined is his capability to handle tasks efficiently. Therefore, he prefers to be a lone wolf when it comes to problem-solving.”

  Perhaps the author did not intend to align his own opinion with the “old saying” that a "feminine nature" is linked to "directly complaining about problems", but the writing suggested otherwise. I found these frequent generalizations to be a bit off-putting and unbalanced.
  
  Though the author presented problems that might occur in a romantic relationship between a man and a woman; the “practical approach” offered in the book in the middle three chapters were not solutions, but random examples that were not expanded on very clearly. Only the last “practical approach” seemed to offer clear advice.The following was especially unclear because the author never mentioned—before or after—what the “Dimensions of Intimacy” were, according to him:
  

  (Pg 9-10): “Practical Approach: Let us take an example. You came back from the office and your wife throws out a question that seems a bit premature: “Dear, have you thought about our son Jean’s schooling?” even though Jean is only 6 years old. Our male psyche would say: “Let’s wait for him to grow up first, we will see later! There is no need to be over-worried, therefore let’s keep this matter for future discussion”. She would argue: “Perhaps we should enroll him in a school somewhere in Europe, or in Canada. A friend of mine told me that Australia has a fabulous school system. We should move there! We can avoid him having to take long trips. And she projects herself into the future and expects you to behave in the same manner because she wants you to be part of her projection into the future. This shows your compatibility in the Dimensions of Intimacy. After giving some thought to it, later on she will eventually tell you, “Anyway there is no need to make a decision now; we still have plenty of time”. And you might say, “I could have told you this earlier, we would have avoided wasting our time!” But by female logic, you’ve wasted no time; rather, you have strengthened the quality of the relationship.”

  In this example, the author assumes that men don’t think too far into future, and that women ramble on about the future ceaselessly, eventually deciding that their husbands are correct in not caring about what they wish to discuss. As far as anecdotal hypothetical examples go, this doesn't appear to illustrate the author's point very well. (I would argue that on the contrary, most parents are supremely concerned about their young children’s higher education.)
  
  Most notably, there is no clear solution at the end of this example—unless it is that the husband should simply go along with whatever his wife chooses to discuss, however irrelevant he find the topic; because of course, she will magically agree with his stance in the end. (If this is the solution and expectation, I doubt it would work very well.)
  
  While many of the author’s statements sounded too generalized, some of his points and advice seemed good to me (either because I have observed the same phenomenon, or because it happened to be true in my personal case), including how it's important to "listen as much as you talk" to communicate effectively, as well as how women sometimes approach conversations as a way to problem-solve and grow closer to the person to whom they are speaking.
  
  However, the booklet's several good points--which seemed valid--were simply not expanded on or explained effectively enough. Even in so short a booklet, I felt the narrative was too unclear and did not stay focused on its task. The conclusions at the end should have related back to specific points made in each section, but they were just presented as disjointed, random bullet points.
  
  The author’s theories appeared to be undeveloped and unclear, and though the essence of some of his observations seemed to be truthful—the presentation was too disorganized to carry the author’s objectives forward in an effective manner, and the book only superficially achieved its purpose.
  
  2. Is it interesting to read (Writing & Style)? 2/4
  
  The booklet is written in a conversational style, and the author sounds somewhat likeable, but throughout reading I got the impression that it needed some editing. Spelling and grammar were not a problem, but in many instances the points were very muddled or unclear.
  

  (Pg 4): “Most of the time, the topics that we cover are the ones which affect us in everyday life. Relationships are one of them. I have found that the more we believe something is of little consequence, the greater the roots of a deep attachment actually go.”

  In this quote, I understood the gist of what the author was trying to say, but I felt the way he phrased it could have been better. This was true for many of the statements in the book, which sound a bit too abstract and undeveloped. Obviously, people consider relationships to be important. If they didn’t, why would they pick up this book? He never goes on to clarify his meaning.
  
  Here is another example of a point that appears either unrelated to the subject or not expanded upon enough:
  

  (Pg 4): “Everyone has heard the question: if a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it fall, does the tree make a sound? I have often wondered, if there is no one standing next to us reflecting the expansive universe back at us, does the universe actually exist, or do I even exit? Herein lies the fundamental dilemma we humans tend to label a “relationship”.

  I still am having a difficult time trying to understand how the semi-existential observation relates to relationships. I felt that at times there was too much of an attempt to sound poetic, rather than just being concise and clear.
  
  3. Is it original? 2/4
  
  While some of the points the author made could help people improve their relationships, the points, in my opinion, were not particularly original or presented in a new light. I felt some of the “secrets” mentioned were common knowledge, though admittedly, perhaps not always in practice by unhappy couples or happy couples that sometimes forget what made the relationship good in the first place.
  
  Overall, the material didn’t seem to stand out on its own from things you can read online for free. It was a good effort, but one can find many similar articles on the subject in magazines or in detailed books on the subject like “Act Like a Lady; Think Like a Man” or “Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus”.
  
  4. Is it structurally (gramatically/thematically/organizationally) sound? 2/4
  
  Though rules of grammar were followed, and the theme somewhat remained on a "woman's mind" in relationships; from an organization standpoint,the book was as unclear and unfocused as the author’s writing. Three out of five of the chapters had sections titled: “male perspective”, “female perspective” and “practical approach” based on the topic covered in that particular section.
  
  However, the points that the author made across sections were very unclear and crossed over into the points he made in every other section.
  
  For example, Chapter 2 is called “Talk About Problems to Rectify Issues” and Chapter 5 is “Understanding and Communication”, and in both he mentions similar points. The ideas should have been more focused; as well as confined to the chapter in which they were presented rather than crossing all over the place. Overall, the author’s thoughts, advice and writing were so disorganized it obscured the enjoyment of the occasional statements he made that were, in my opinion, true and meaningful.
  
  5. Is it well researched (Credibility)? 1/4
  
  I was not expecting that this booklet would reference any existing literature on the subject, or have any kind of index, because in his introduction, the author didn’t make any grandiose claims; only mentioned that he wrote this book because he believes relationships are important, and that these tips might help.
  
  However, there were times when the author demonstrated an inability to distinguish between fact and opinion:
  

  (Pg 11): “It is a fact that we read or hear about what women want, what they want to hear and many other variations on how to please or appease women. But what about men? We rarely read about what men want to hear from women. Women often question men’s emotional needs and frequently reduce the essence of men to having one thing on their minds all the time! Evolutionary psychology has proven otherwise…”

  The articles on evolutionary psychology that prove otherwise are not listed, and I would argue that “we” also read and hear many things about “how to please men”. I find it unprofessional when published books contain sentences that begin with "it is a fact" but then go on to state opinions, as in the following example:
  

  (Pg 11): “…we must also recognize the fact that women generally have mood swings. You must understand it. If you say something funny to them, they can laugh about it or feel offended, and this changes from day to day.”

  And men never get mood swings? The generalizations that inform the booklet can be summarized in the following line:
  

  (Pg 7): “In general, women behave the same way, but with some exceptions in individual characteristics. They are not like men and therefore they function differently from men. In most cases, these differences are not visible at the beginning of the relationship.”

  To make a statement that suggests--without any kind of reference or acknowledgment that this is that author's opinion-- that all women (that is 3.5 billion individuals) behave the same way (with undefined "exceptions in characteristics") is to immediately write-off one's potential credibility. It may sound like nit-picking, but if this sentence had begun with "I've found" or "I think", it would not have been an issue.
  
  Research, in small, non-technical booklets like these doesn’t have to be overt, but it should be apparent. It informs the writing, makes it sound more professional, and gives the reader an understanding of the constraints and assumptions under which the author has made a judgment. If the author had said, for example, "according to the following article, 60% of women have mood swings, and if that is true, then..." he would have clearly laid out where he received the information which informed his point, and would have strengthened his argument.

While this booklet is peppered with some decent advice (at least in my opinion), the advice is not expanded on clearly, and the author makes too many generalizations and is too disorganized and unfocused. I would be reluctant to recommend this booklet to anyone for these reasons.

However, I think it's apparent that the author has a passion for this subject. If instead of a booklet, he were to have a website where he put up his observations in article form for free, it would be a good starting point for him to develop his ideas and write about them more clearly, and then later turn them into a booklet. Further, if he supplemented his observations on the subject with some reading on scientific studies and literature in relationship-related psychology, this booklet would be all the more bolstered.

I wish the author success, but unfortunately, I believe this book is still a work in progress, and for this reason, I have to give it a rating of 2 out of 4.

***
Buy "Into the mind of a woman: 5 shortcuts to save your relationship" on Amazon

[ALRyder]

I don't know that I would have even rated this one a two. This is probably why I didn't snatch this one up when a saw it. I have a hard time with books that are presented as "non-fiction" but are filled with the author's personal opinion of things. This issue is especially present in books on relationships and religion. If anything I would have probably found this one to be a humorous read, as even while reading your review I laughed a few times.

[npandit]

ALRyder, Yeah--I find myself growing progressively more alarmed each time I come across yet another non-fiction book that doesn't provide a single reference, but makes really fabulous, generalized claims like 'this solution works for everything, I swear!' (It reminds me of the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "A pimple? Put some Windex on it!").

The problem might be that on the face of it, it seems easy to write something new and meaningful about religion or relationships if you've got a few good ideas. But I think usually, unless an author has got tons of professional experience in that area and has done a huge amount of research, it's very difficult to write something original in a topic that has been beaten and prodded already from many different angles.

I have to admit I did have trouble deciding between a one or a two; but after reading I felt that the author did make a few good points and seemed very passionate about this subject, and like he genuinely wanted to help people. I think that though the work is not quite polished yet; with the right kind of editing and with extensive amounts of research, it could possibly turn into something much better-- (if of course, the author continues to feel passionately about this subject).

Thank you for reading and responding! I always look forward to reading your comments.

[ALRyder]

I feel pretty much the same way you do about people needing to do their research. Though research is something that is hard to do on relationships. While a lot of couples fight over a lot of the same things (in my opinion money, sex, and kids are the top subjects of debate) no two relationships are exactly alike. How can you honestly say, "this will work for you," if you've never actually met the person you're talking to?

I read a couple of the quotes to my husband in a bit of a rant. We were talking about the first one about complaining, as he is a complainer of everything through and through. For instance, you should see him when he burns his finger compared to me. I have learned to ignore his screams of agony, as I used to run into the room every time thinking it was going to require a trip to the hospital. He said he only does that around me, and would never do that in front of a bunch of guys. Considering that this is a book on relationships with women, and not buddies, the fact that a man is willing to show more with the person he's with should be taken into consideration.

I also had to laugh at the mood swings; another thing my husband is notorious for, while I'm the one who is pretty even tempered and a realist most of the time. I'm always the one telling him he takes everything I say too seriously, and shouldn't get so offended.

Maybe most relationships are the way the author explains though, and I just have an odd one. This would explain why I don't have a lot of faith in books on relationships.

[npandit]

Exactly, case in point! Thank you for sharing your example. I think there is no such thing as an 'odd' relationship; there are so many different people in the world, and each relationship is going to be a little bit different. The author was using outdated stereotypes I have sometimes heard unhappy, annoyed couples make while complaining about their spouses. "Oh you know women, they just like to complain and make a big deal about everything..." or "Men never care about anything!"

I have known many women who are very even tempered, and men who are very emotional, and vice versa...(I once politely disagreed on the subject with a man who was making some really generalized gender claims, and he became very visibly irritated trying to condescendingly convince me that 'everyone knows women are more emotional than men'. I wasn't sure whether it was the right time to point out that he was becoming emotional.) Lol--it's just a mark of naivety to group all people together.

I personally have found that the most helpful relationship advice comes from books or articles that talk about specific elements that tend to make relationships stronger; like 'ability to quickly resolve disagreements' or 'ability to limit ego', rather than those that assume that their specific experiences apply to everyone else.

In regard to doing research for a relationship book, I think there are a lot of published studies and literature on the underlying causes of common or chronic marital conflicts, usually written by marriage counselors who have learned psychology or noticed, over the course of their career, what things seem to work for people. When my mom was studying to be a counselor, she told me about some of the things they teach you in this area and it was really interesting.

I think books like Lean In can be taken as a really good example on how to write well researched non-fiction (nearly every line has a footnote linked to a paper at the end of it) and make it interesting but also original.

Come to think of it, after reading your last line--I can't remember coming across a relationship book that I thought was decent; but now I think I'm going to take this as a challenge, and see if there are any around!

[gali]

Thank you for the great review!

I avoid those kind of books myself.

[kio]

I loved how you included the questions in the review. Great job!

[ALRyder]

...I personally have found that the most helpful relationship advice comes from books or articles that talk about specific elements that tend to make relationships stronger; like 'ability to quickly resolve disagreements' or 'ability to limit ego', rather than those that assume that their specific experiences apply to everyone else.

In regard to doing research for a relationship book, I think there are a lot of published studies and literature on the underlying causes of common or chronic marital conflicts, usually written by marriage counselors who have learned psychology or noticed, over the course of their career, what things seem to work for people. When my mom was studying to be a counselor, she told me about some of the things they teach you in this area and it was really interesting.

I think books like Lean In can be taken as a really good example on how to write well researched non-fiction (nearly every line has a footnote linked to a paper at the end of it) and make it interesting but also original.

Come to think of it, after reading your last line--I can't remember coming across a relationship book that I thought was decent; but now I think I'm going to take this as a challenge, and see if there are any around!

This brought to mind the quote from the author that you had pointed out about pleasing a woman, and how there is hardly anything out there about pleasing a man. I thought to myself, "Where has this guy been? Has he never even glanced through a Cosmo?" Cosmo is pretty much a magazine entirely based on relationships. Whether it be spicing things up in the bedroom (one of the all time favorite topics of Cosmo) or figuring out if the relationship is just going nowhere.

In my personal opinion (with no research done on my part) women have a tendency to read more about pleasing men than men do about women. While yes, a man may take a gander at a Kama Sutra every so often, that is not the same as really trying to figure out a woman's psyche. Sorry guys. But seriously! How many guys actually read self help books on relationships? And while I'm sure men occasionally do, how often is it that the man who suggests marital counseling?

When going to college I was actually geared toward a psychology degree, and I do remember quite a bit was talking about the differences between men and women. It truly is interesting. There's a ton of fascinating research out there taken from the time kids are little little that show how different the two sexes are (even when putting aside social pressures to be one way or another). Though it's never an exact science, and there are always going to be some that don't fall into the "norm" in one way or the other.

I'm sure that there are those who do the research, and have written some helpful books on the subject. This is a feat I could never see myself partaking in. Too many dang variables I suppose.

My sister was really into the book "The Love Dare" for a while. It has an interesting concept, where you're supposed to change yourself, and the things that you do in order to change how your partner reacts to you. It gives you a new task each day (buying gifts, giving up what you want to do in order to do what your partner wants to do, etc.) Though you're not supposed to tell your partner what you're doing.

I just don't know. I'm too open and truthful to go about doing anything like that. I may also be too stubborn to really change myself, and some of the tasks would be pretty challenging for some. For instance, one of the tasks is to forgive everything. While yes, forgiveness is important. Some incidents can't be dropped just because you really really want to. At the very least they need to be talked about and worked through.

Admittedly, I'm not a reader of self help books. So I can't judge any book on the subject too harshly...even if all my comments argue the opposite. I guess I'm kind of a hypocrite in that way.

[npandit]

Gali, thanks! I like psychology, so I was intrigued by the premise, but it wasn't too much trouble to read through.

Thanks, Kio!

-- 25 May 2014, 05:42 --

This brought to mind the quote from the author that you had pointed out about pleasing a woman, and how there is hardly anything out there about pleasing a man. I thought to myself, "Where has this guy been? Has he never even glanced through a Cosmo?" Cosmo is pretty much a magazine entirely based on relationships. Whether it be spicing things up in the bedroom (one of the all time favorite topics of Cosmo) or figuring out if the relationship is just going nowhere.

In my personal opinion (with no research done on my part) women have a tendency to read more about pleasing men than men do about women. While yes, a man may take a gander at a Kama Sutra every so often, that is not the same as really trying to figure out a woman's psyche. Sorry guys. But seriously! How many guys actually read self help books on relationships? And while I'm sure men occasionally do, how often is it that the man who suggests marital counseling?

When going to college I was actually geared toward a psychology degree, and I do remember quite a bit was talking about the differences between men and women. It truly is interesting. There's a ton of fascinating research out there taken from the time kids are little little that show how different the two sexes are (even when putting aside social pressures to be one way or another). Though it's never an exact science, and there are always going to be some that don't fall into the "norm" in one way or the other.

I'm sure that there are those who do the research, and have written some helpful books on the subject. This is a feat I could never see myself partaking in. Too many dang variables I suppose.

My sister was really into the book "The Love Dare" for a while. It has an interesting concept, where you're supposed to change yourself, and the things that you do in order to change how your partner reacts to you. It gives you a new task each day (buying gifts, giving up what you want to do in order to do what your partner wants to do, etc.) Though you're not supposed to tell your partner what you're doing.

I just don't know. I'm too open and truthful to go about doing anything like that. I may also be too stubborn to really change myself, and some of the tasks would be pretty challenging for some. For instance, one of the tasks is to forgive everything. While yes, forgiveness is important. Some incidents can't be dropped just because you really really want to. At the very least they need to be talked about and worked through.

Admittedly, I'm not a reader of self help books. So I can't judge any book on the subject too harshly...even if all my comments argue the opposite. I guess I'm kind of a hypocrite in that way.

Lol--I thought the same thing about the Cosmo magazines! There are SO many magazines and articles telling women 'how to please your man' in the bedroom or out of it; and besides, up until a few decades ago, there were articles telling women how 'not to bother a man, because his work is more important than his wife'. I found this particular statement by the author to be very strange.

I also agree with your opinion--at least from my experience (and no research as well), it's usually women that try to figure out how to make their relationships stronger. Some men do take an interest, but I've seen it's usually not to as large of an extent as their female counterparts, and it's normally the wives who initiate conversation in the subject. When they are boys, they are interested in figuring out how to 'get' girls; whereas girls seem to be more concerned with learning how to maintain healthy relationships, and all the stuff that comes afterwards.

There was a section in this booklet that had a "list of five crucial things your man wants to hear from you"--and it was literally stuff like, "I support you no matter what!" There was no list describing things women want to hear from men, and what I found especially alarming was the author's apparent suggestion that simply saying something is the same thing as meaning it.

I'm going to have to check out "The Love Dare", but I too would probably have a tough time hiding what I was doing. I'd probably just tell my husband about it and see if he'd want to do it with me. It sounds intriguing though, and reminds me of some of the things Gretchin Rubin tried in "The Happiness Project". This was a book that actually was backed by research, and while it was about her own personal journey, I thought some of the points she made could be applied to other people's situations.

I don't think it's hypocritical to read statements made by a published book and disagree with them, regardless of whether you read books in these subjects--in fact, if more people did that it would probably help those writing them to produce better material...(or at least one would hope).

[ryancody]

The book has great reviews as it is very interesting to know about the relationship and how to keep it healthy. The short book gives tips about relationship and how to enrich it with love and care.

[ALRyder]

There was a section in this booklet that had a "list of five crucial things your man wants to hear from you"--and it was literally stuff like, "I support you no matter what!" There was no list describing things women want to hear from men, and what I found especially alarming was the author's apparent suggestion that simply saying something is the same thing as meaning it.

I'm going to have to check out "The Love Dare", but I too would probably have a tough time hiding what I was doing. I'd probably just tell my husband about it and see if he'd want to do it with me. It sounds intriguing though, and reminds me of some of the things Gretchin Rubin tried in "The Happiness Project". This was a book that actually was backed by research, and while it was about her own personal journey, I thought some of the points she made could be applied to other people's situations.

I can see that being something a man wants to hear, and I think the main idea would be to keep your comments positive and not tear each other down. Although it isn't good to tear each other down, there are still certain issues in a relationship that should be addressed. Telling my husband that I support him "no matter what" can only go so far in my book. Will I always love him? Yes. But he doesn't get to make major life choices and then get a pat on the back for making them all by himself; which is just how that statement sounds to me.

I might suggest "The Happiness Project" to my sister. She's more of the type of person to read books of this nature.

The book has great reviews as it is very interesting to know about the relationship and how to keep it healthy. The short book gives tips about relationship and how to enrich it with love and care.

I did see positive reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. Though even reading the reviews it sounds like a one size fits all kind of book. It may very well help some relationships, and I feel that npandit did a thorough enough review that people can see enough of what it's about in order to make an informed decision. I know it wouldn't be for me. I also know that I'm really not the target audience either.

[npandit]

I can see that being something a man wants to hear, and I think the main idea would be to keep your comments positive and not tear each other down. Telling my husband that I support him "no matter what" can only go so far in my book. Will I always love him? Yes. But he doesn't get to make major life choices and then get a pat on the back for making them all by himself; which is just how that statement sounds to me.

I agree. And there is a world of difference between telling women (and people in general)--to keep their comments positive, versus simply telling them to make blanket statements, as the author does. I don't think my husband or I would want to hear scripted things from each other. If he thinks I'm not doing something right, I'd like to know.

While reading that section of the book, the following scenario popped into my head:

Husband: "Honey--We're moving our family to Antarctica to pursue my dream of choreographing penguin ice-dancing!!"
Wife: [blandly looks up from knitting] “I’ll support you in any endeavor you choose."

It may very well help some relationships, and I feel that npandit did a thorough enough review that people can see enough of what it's about in order to make an informed decision.

Thank you for saying this! That was my goal.

The book has great reviews as it is very interesting to know about the relationship and how to keep it healthy. The short book gives tips about relationship and how to enrich it with love and care.

I am happy to know that you and other people enjoyed it. It would be interesting to hear your opinion of what you liked about the book specifically, to add another perspective to the discussion.

[ALRyder]

I don't think my husband or I would want to hear scripted things from each other. If he thinks I'm not doing something right, I'd like to know.

While reading that section of the book, the following scenario popped into my head:

Husband: "Honey--We're moving our family to Antarctica to pursue my dream of choreographing penguin ice-dancing!!"
Wife: [blandly looks up from knitting] “I’ll support you in any endeavor you choose."

At times I am admittedly too truthful. I myself have had an inner battle of whether people are just too sensitive, or I'm too harsh. I know that I would want to know certain things. For instance, if my partner prefers less mayo on his sandwich the next time I make it. While my sister disagrees, and she says it's rude to say things like that when someone does something for you. I agree with this if that person is someone who will probably never make you a sandwich in the future, but if it's your life partner? Do you really want to have to deal with soggy, heavy on the mayo sandwiches the rest of your life?! It's either that or always make the sandwiches yourself.

While your example made me laugh it is a somewhat true scenario, and very much the same as what popped into my head with the statement. I myself have tried being the all supportive wife in the past, and it has honestly never worked out for the best. Two heads are most definitely better than one. That's why you chose to enter into a partnership in the first place, right? And even if two heads aren't, at least there's never going to be that resentment because one partner made all the choices.

I'm actually a military wife at the moment, and I see this issue all the time. Where woman allow their man's ambitions to take a front seat to their own. I'll never forget walking into one of my friend's homes, and there was a sign on her wall that said:

"Being a military wife: it's not just a status, it's my life promise to him."

My husband saw me reading it, and I didn't even have to look at him before he said, "Don't say a word." My friend happened to be his sergeant's wife. Lol. I don't know why, but things like that just rub me the wrong way.

The book has great reviews as it is very interesting to know about the relationship and how to keep it healthy. The short book gives tips about relationship and how to enrich it with love and care.

I am happy to know that you and other people enjoyed it. It would be interesting to hear your opinion of what you liked about the book specifically, to add another perspective to the discussion.

Yes, we're not trying to beat up on it, just share our own opinions. So it would be good to get some fresh blood in on this discussion.

[npandit]

"Being a military wife: it's not just a status, it's my life promise to him."

My husband saw me reading it, and I didn't even have to look at him before he said, "Don't say a word." My friend happened to be his sergeant's wife. Lol. I don't know why, but things like that just rub me the wrong way.

It's like the eternal sacrifice, isn't it? It seems ingrained from the time we're little--it's usually the women that make the sacrifices and compromises for their husbands and family, and up until recently there weren't very many options to go and pursue a path of a woman's own choosing which didn't involve settling down and making babies.

Even today, I think women are conditioned to give and to sacrifice things for their husbands or significant others, whereas men are not always conditioned to think in terms of 'relationship = sacrifice of something else'. But what has changed, like you pointed out, is that more and more couples are becoming a 'team' and making decisions together, rather than having one person decide everything. To that effect, and I think in general, if you want to become a better human being, you have to be able to accept criticism, and also have to have the courage to give it, when necessary.

I like your mayo-on-sandwich example, because I remember when I first started cooking, I was more sensitive to criticism, but now, it doesn't bother me at all if something needs more salt or sugar or whatever it is, and if my husband or someone else lets me know. Sensitivity is probably related to insecurity--people feel that their identity, somehow, is wrapped up in what they are doing, and a direct critique of how much mayo they put on your sandwich is like a criticism on whether they are worthy or competent people (lol--it sounds silly, but I can think of so many real examples of this happening).

In that light, I think men historically have been conditioned (or maybe it's biological, who knows) to make decisions, to be leaders, and to be the head of their family. Perhaps in this regard, they don't like it when their wives point out holes in their leadership or decision making abilities, because it is a direct threat to their identity, and everything they have associated with masculinity.

It is probably for this reason that so many men like to feel or be told that they are "supported" by their loved ones (as is pointed out by the author of the book, and based on what I have seen in my own life). But I think eventually, all grown ups realize that we are not perfect, and it is a heaven-sent blessing to have people in your life who care about you enough to point out where you can improve, and even luckier if they can do this lovingly.

[H0LD0Nthere]

Wow, this is such a great thread, and so many good things have been said. Thanks npandit for suffering through this book, and thanks to all who commented.

ALRyder, I too am a wife with a husband who loves to complain!

Regarding GOOD relationship books, I recommend Deborah Tannen's two books about communication between men and women: That's Not What I Meant, and You Just Don't Understand. Very well-researched, very nuanced, very fair. They are not really self-help books, because Tannen is social scientist, but they are very helpful nonetheless.

npandit's last comment made me think of a good book I read recently, "Humilitas." (Can't remember the name of the author, which I'm sure he would love, having written a book on humility.) One entire chapter is dedicated to the concept that, since we are not experts on everything (or indeed on most things), humility is just common sense.