Question over a long-standing marriage

Use this forum to discuss the February 2023 Book of the Month, "Mark Victor Hansen, Relentless: Wisdom Behind the Incomparable Chicken Soup for the Soul" by Mitzi Perdue.
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Joyjim
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Re: Question over a long-standing marriage

Post by Joyjim »

I find nothing palatable about severing a 25 year old bond. I think many who divorce only need to put in some extra work. I wish this book taught this moral.
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Yasmine M
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Post by Yasmine M »

Slater678 wrote: 11 Feb 2023, 10:32 After a twenty-seven year old marriage, Mark divorced his wife Patty Shaw in 2005. For someone who has been described as a "congenital optimist," I feel he should have tried more to reconcile with his former wife rather than marry again in 2011 to Crystal Dwyer. What do you think? Isn't it important, especially for the sake of their daughters, for Mark to have given Patty more time and a second chance at reconciling their long marriage?
We do not know the full story as both parties refused to comment on this. Perhaps it was Patty who wanted out of the marriage, not Mark. They have come to a point where they could not make each other happy anymore. If their daughters lived within an unhappy couple, they would be unhappy as well. The couple stayed together for 27 years, they each changed during that time and could not reconcile their differences anymore.
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Post by Eva Nyaburi »

I think Mark should have tried harder in his relationship with Patty. 27 years is a really long time for someone to just drop everything and move on.
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Sheri Iodice
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Post by Sheri Iodice »

Eva Nyaburi wrote: 05 Apr 2023, 02:39 I believe that is a hard question to answer. I grew up believing and thinking that you should marry one time and work through the problems. I found however, that some things in life are not that simple. I ended up divorcing after being married for 22 years and having 2 children. Sometimes divorce is not the worst thing for kids to go through. In my case it was more damaging to my kids for me to stay in the marriage, and I feel they have become stronger, better adults than they would have. I wish it wasn't that way, but every case is different.
I believe that is a hard question to answer. I grew up believing and thinking that you should marry one time and work through the problems. I found however, that some things in life are not that simple. I ended up divorcing after being married for 22 years and having 2 children. Sometimes divorce is not the worst thing for kids to go through. In my case it was more damaging to my kids for me to stay in the marriage, and I feel they have become stronger, better adults than they would have. I wish it wasn't that way, but every case is different.
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Post by Monale Bariyima Ueh »

I think that as devastating as divorce is, it cannot be ruled out or supported on a blanket statement. It is dependent on the reality of the situation. Also living in a reality is much harder than just talking about it. So we can only deduce how difficult it was for Mark.
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Helen Akoth
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Post by Helen Akoth »

The author may have not been at the wrong for divorcing the first wife and remarrying. Sometimes, a relationship can reach high level of toxicity that parting ways is the best option for your spouse and kids. There have been cases where some people have tried to persevere in marriages for the sake of their children, but the endings have not been very good.
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Post by Maileyrom »

I know nothing about his marriage life, just what it was mentioned in the book is not enough, specially taking into account that we could not get both versions of the story. In any case 27 years I find it is enough trying to give up finally if it is not working. We only get one life. It can not be wasted on trying by just trying. Sometimes we need to learn when to give up.
"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself" George Bernard Shaw
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Post by Claire Twy »

Slater678 wrote: 11 Feb 2023, 10:32 After a twenty-seven year old marriage, Mark divorced his wife Patty Shaw in 2005. For someone who has been described as a "congenital optimist," I feel he should have tried more to reconcile with his former wife rather than marry again in 2011 to Crystal Dwyer. What do you think? Isn't it important, especially for the sake of their daughters, for Mark to have given Patty more time and a second chance at reconciling their long marriage?
There's a lot that goes behind the scenes in a relationship we don't see. I would think that a divorce after such a long time would definitely be very painful for both and I'm sure they tried multiple solutions, if not of themselves then for their family. But it didn't work out for them and I think they both moved on in their own way.
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Amy Luman
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Post by Amy Luman »

I am a Christian and I disagree with divorce in most instances (there are always exceptions). I do think reconciliation should have been tried, but like was mentioned before, perhaps it was tried more than once and just didn’t work.
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Anil G
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Post by Anil G »

There must happen so many things between the two of them, to say that he should have given more time to their marriage felt wrong to me. If a person is willing to leave that long marriage then he must have given some time earlier only or chances also.
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Post by Samantha Barnes 3 »

I think it is usually best to attempt to reconcile a broken marriage, especially if kids are involved, but sometimes the damage is too severe, and it is truly better to end things and move on for the sake of everyone involved.
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Post by Jesse Shon Voyamba »

Considering the complications that come with marriage, I can't question Mark's decision to divorce the woman with whom he has been married for 27 years. It could have been that they have explored various ways to settle their differences. Moreover, only Mark knows the details of what he has experienced in that marriage.

Most times, what we see in people's marriages from the outside is different from the realities that they are two couples facing.
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Post by Sonia_Gonzalez »

Slater678 wrote: 11 Feb 2023, 10:32 After a twenty-seven year old marriage, Mark divorced his wife Patty Shaw in 2005. For someone who has been described as a "congenital optimist," I feel he should have tried more to reconcile with his former wife rather than marry again in 2011 to Crystal Dwyer. What do you think? Isn't it important, especially for the sake of their daughters, for Mark to have given Patty more time and a second chance at reconciling their long marriage?
The book does not tell why they got divorced, it does not go into detail and we cannot judge without having every part of the information, and that is something we can get *only* if we are part of that couple. Congenital optimism does not mean someone who is unable to move on with their lives or understand that not every relationship is forever, being optimistic is also what allowed them to end everything with good standing, they never talked bad about each other.

And no, no marriage should remain "for the sake of their daughters", because once love is gone, you are only tolerating someone and causing pain to each other, and that includes their daughters. Children and adults need to learn to heal and have a life on their own, regardless of what their family and friends think and need. Their daughters needed two parents that cared for them and respected each other, not two married parents who no longer could be together. Besides, who says a stepmother/stepfather is evil and will not enrich your life?
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Post by Meghan Soderholm »

This is the part where I had to side-eye. I feel there is more to the story. Mitzi Perdue did explain that neither Patty nor the daughters were available to interview for the book. However, marriage is a two-sided commitment. From how Perdue described Patty, Mark found a way out in divorce and later found his true soulmate, Crystal.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift and that is why we call it the present.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
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Post by James Williams Uzo »

I believe Mark should have given their marriage a second chance at success. Statistically, two parents' households give children the best chance at being great contributors to society.
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