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I believe that happens when you go through a rough breakup. But eventually one understands that love can not fit into a checklist.

I think the checklist idea was a tad too extreme. I understand where he comes from and commend him for taking the time to understand what he wants and needs and all that. However, no amount of ticks can guarantee a perfect relationship.

I also believe that Mark was forced to create those checklists as a result of his acrimonious divorce. But, there shouldn't be any rigid guidelines for loving. What functions for one person may not function for another. Being able to comprehend your companion is essential.

I think people are dynamic, they change and therefore having a long checklist might not be the permanent solution to marital discord.

Totally agree!! When it comes to a relationship with a person, the checklist could be just a piece of trash. It would be changed 180 degrees when it comes to the feelings, love, heart. Because logic, brain, principles, can be totally different with the feeling.

Naghma Qureshi wrote: ↑21 Feb 2023, 11:34 I totally agree with you on this. The list does look like a checklist for selecting some items such as furniture or a car. The fact that Mark made this list shows how concerned he was about finding a way to find that perfect partner. But the list seems funny at places as well as highly subjective too with no clear definition. For example: who calls a person "user friendly"? It could have been used for humor but the if the person of interest reads it, may take offense. Similarly, "slender and radiantly fit"? What if the person loses that "fit" over time? Then there are items like "great personality", "wonderful", "magnanimous" etc. which are not self-explanatory. They are highly subjective. But after reading the whole chapter I feel Mark's point was that you can get what you are looking for and your heart will know what these items mean to you.

My husband and I ended up reading this chapter together and laughed at a lot of the items on the list. "User friendly" was definitely one of them . I also felt like I didn't measure up to the list at all, although we acknowledged that getting healthy eating and fitness under your belt seemed more possible at a later stage of life. All I can say is I'm glad my husband never showed me a list of what he expected.

I disagree with most people here. The checklist is not completely un-romantic, there are beautiful characteristics in it and, I believe Love was mentioned by Mark a couple of times. I think when it comes to choosing a partner for life, we need to engage both the heart and the brain.
We also need to consider that there are different types of loves. There is the crush, which is a strong attraction to someone, it has the sparkles, the magic and all the shine. But ultimately, the same way it came it can also depart, unannounced and brutal; and love is over.
On the other hand, there is the big Love. You end up loving someone because they are what you need, perhaps they complete you, or you care deeply for each other. And how do you know what you need from your partner (a quick checklist)? Perhaps it is their smile that you like, the way they smell or the way they carry themselves (note: all of this was in Mark's checklist). You keep on falling in Love over and over again because they ticked the boxes.
Notes: 1- I find Mark's checklist way too long and exaggerated, there shouldn't be that many items listed (he listed over 200 characteristics over a few months). I would think the more items on that list, the less chances to find someone. I laughed as I went through it, some things were just ridiculous. Perhaps a checklist with 10 items is reasonable?
2- We shouldn't have to check all the boxes of one's checklist. If you find someone with at least 70% of what you are looking for, I would say go for it! Give that new relationship a try! Your probably found your soulmate.

I used to have a kind of mental checklist, but my now-husband made me toss it, as he's minus some things on it, but what he does have more than makes up for those "misses". I think it's okay to have a few "Must Have"s and some "Absolutely Not" s, but beyond that, leave the lists to groceries!

That checklist did not sit well with me. It seemed like the checklist would be the deciding factor in who he would fall in love with.

For this, I would say that it is different strokes for different folks. However, as much as I don't believe that love can be rationalized by a checklist, I believe that relationships should. It need not be a physical checklist, but it is important to ensure that a person covers at least 50% of what we would want.

I believe that the use of the checklist is very helpful for people who need structure and order as a way to cope with making life decisions that are life changing. In this way, they are able to rationalize the decision made and be more effective at sticking to the decision which in turn makes that decision the right one. Therefore, I applaud the author for his reflective nature and ability to share this with others in order to also succeed in whatever life decision they need to make.

When it comes to matters of the heart, there shouldn't be any checklists, in my opinion. But I believe his divorce was the root of it. Mark's list was a healthy representation of his ideal partner.

I think it is pretty common for people to make checklists for what they want in a partner. However, I just simply would ignore them and I don't think they are really effective. When a person truly loves another, no checklist means anything because the hearts will simply link up.

I have no idea what "love" implies in relationships and human relations, that is if it exits at all. Several things have happened to me, and I am having the opinion that what we refer to as love is just connection, be it emotional, psychological, physical, financial. Hardly can anyone just LOVE. So, that checklist of a thing helps buttress this assertion.

Not everything works well for everybody, that is for sure. What is clear to me is that this methodology did not work badly for him. I think probably he fell in love with his first woman without having high standards and after the failure realized that he needed a bit of clarity on that unless he wanted to get the same result. Also the difference in age from the first marriage to the second is a key factor. Things seem different towards love the older we are as we tend to rationalize more.