Your First Sentence(s)
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Re: Your First Sentence(s)

Music surrounded sixteen year old Sofia as she moved her body along with the rhythm of the music. She was with a group of friends that included her best friend Bryan. Dancing was the only thing she could do while she waited for the one person she had been there to see and that was her boyfriend Trace.
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Let me recommend that "bravery" has nothing to do with sharing your writing. How the heck are you going to sell your stories or novels if you don't "share" them with the agent or editors? And then, of course, to your readers? After all, "sharing" is part of the writing evolution. Otherwise writing just sits in a mental vault like all those frozen warriors in the Chinese emperor's tomb. That's not writing -- it's self indulgence. Real writing is meant to be read by others, believe me.
And... I'm sending you a PM later.
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- Carla Hurst-Chandler
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I like to keep a matted photograph of Mt.Saint Helen and Spirit Lake at home to remind me that everything changes.
The Mindful Life: Zen Living II
Carla Hurst-Chandler
― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
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Okay... and please understand, we post our writing to get feedback...Carla Hurst-Chandler wrote:My First Sentence
I like to keep a matted photograph of Mt.Saint Helen and Spirit Lake at home to remind me that everything changes.
1. It's "Mt. St. Helens"
2. Spirit Lake is pretty ambiguous. There are several Spirit Lakes and any reference to things having changed re. that location isn't something that most readers would automatically know.
3. You might trim the sentence, deleting the "like to" and "matted" as both may detract from the impact, such as "I keep photos of Mount St. Helens and Spirit Lake at home to remind me how everything changes."
Good start! It puts a question into the reader's mind, "What is coming next?" which is excellent.
- Carla Hurst-Chandler
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Actually the missing s is a typo...and St. Helens and Saint Helens are one in the same.
Spirit Lake (the one that existed before the eruption) no longer exists. Most of it was buried beneath the pyroclast.
This is the second book and has already been published.
I am finishing the third book in the Zen Living trilogy to join the others in December.

― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
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"It was dark." is factual but perhaps a bit of "texture" might be in order. The thing is, to catch the reader's attention for the mindset of the protagonist or perhaps set a mood that's related to the darkness -- just off the top of my head:
"I love the dark. It's when I do my best work."
"I hate the dark. It reminds me of when Karen died."
"Darkness upon the earth and into the soul." (that one's a bit over the top)
"It was dark when I woke, and I couldn't tell whether it was night or no light came where I lay."
But rather than simply describe the condition, tell us a bit of the emotions behind the darkness.
-- 31 Jul 2014, 18:02 --
Sure. Congrats on your books! Two of my novels have also been published and I currently shopping my 3rd novel to agents.Carla Hurst-Chandler wrote:Thanks for the critique.
etc.
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They needed both incomes just to be desperate. But eight months among the expatriate
community in a "quaint pueblo where locals fished El Mar just as the generations before
them had" gave wing to Don Roberto and Dona Alicia. Bob and Lisa were now among the
idle rich and could afford to pay a domestic to wash their clothes and go get more mezcal when they ran out. They were such good customers at La Tienda Licores, that
el dueno started a tab in their honor.
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Police Headquarters in Houston is a seven-story concrete monstrosity that squats on a downtown cul-de-sac named Riesner Street. Since city jail is on the top two floors of the building, Houstonians refer to jail as the Hotel Riesner. I was on my way there to meet a client, currently a guest of the hotel.
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She found herself kneeling on the ground again; as though pain were a God and she a worshiper in its halls.
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I'd however replace the semicolon with a comma, as the 2nd clause isn't independent. (just like the sentence I wrote, ha ha)
In most contemporary fiction, also, the use of the semicolon has declined considerably. By "contemporary" I mean fiction being written right now. Like many things, modern fiction tends to be more informal and terse, with short sentences, short paragraphs, and a more abrupt prose style.
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