Your First Sentence(s)

Tseve87 · Post by **Tseve87** » 27 Jul 2014, 10:56

I have already posted a first sentence once but I changed my idea for the story and ended up rewriting and wanted to repost I am trying to be braver with my writing and letting others read it. I am my worst critic so I tend to keep my writing more privet but like I said I am working on it. There are most likely grammical issues in it but its a rough draft

Music surrounded sixteen year old Sofia as she moved her body along with the rhythm of the music. She was with a group of friends that included her best friend Bryan. Dancing was the only thing she could do while she waited for the one person she had been there to see and that was her boyfriend Trace.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 27 Jul 2014, 12:22

Tse, rewriting is good. It's part of the author's process and is a reflection of the mental creativity we all go through. Very few authors write "first out" and don't revise. After all, a story or novel doesn't spring fully grown from the author's mind like Athena sprang from the brow of Zeus. ha ha

Let me recommend that "bravery" has nothing to do with sharing your writing. How the heck are you going to sell your stories or novels if you don't "share" them with the agent or editors? And then, of course, to your readers? After all, "sharing" is part of the writing evolution. Otherwise writing just sits in a mental vault like all those frozen warriors in the Chinese emperor's tomb. That's not writing -- it's self indulgence. Real writing is meant to be read by others, believe me.

And... I'm sending you a PM later.

Tseve87 · Post by **Tseve87** » 27 Jul 2014, 12:31

Ok yeah that is why I'm trying to share and because I write not only because I love to write because I do want to someday be puplished

Carla Hurst-Chandler · Post by **Carla Hurst-Chandler** » 31 Jul 2014, 11:56

My First Sentence

I like to keep a matted photograph of Mt.Saint Helen and Spirit Lake at home to remind me that everything changes.

The Mindful Life: Zen Living II
Carla Hurst-Chandler

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 31 Jul 2014, 12:09

Carla Hurst-Chandler wrote:My First Sentence

I like to keep a matted photograph of Mt.Saint Helen and Spirit Lake at home to remind me that everything changes.

Okay... and please understand, we post our writing to get feedback...
1. It's "Mt. St. Helens"
2. Spirit Lake is pretty ambiguous. There are several Spirit Lakes and any reference to things having changed re. that location isn't something that most readers would automatically know.
3. You might trim the sentence, deleting the "like to" and "matted" as both may detract from the impact, such as "I keep photos of Mount St. Helens and Spirit Lake at home to remind me how everything changes."

Good start! It puts a question into the reader's mind, "What is coming next?" which is excellent.

Carla Hurst-Chandler · Post by **Carla Hurst-Chandler** » 31 Jul 2014, 14:46

Thanks for the critique.

Actually the missing s is a typo...and St. Helens and Saint Helens are one in the same.

Spirit Lake (the one that existed before the eruption) no longer exists. Most of it was buried beneath the pyroclast.

This is the second book and has already been published.
I am finishing the third book in the Zen Living trilogy to join the others in December.

The series has been well-received.

garydeanbaker · Post by **garydeanbaker** » 31 Jul 2014, 16:15

It's not much out of context but my current work's first sentence is "It was dark."

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 31 Jul 2014, 17:00

Or, howzabout "It was a dark and stormy night..."?

"It was dark." is factual but perhaps a bit of "texture" might be in order. The thing is, to catch the reader's attention for the mindset of the protagonist or perhaps set a mood that's related to the darkness -- just off the top of my head:

"I love the dark. It's when I do my best work."
"I hate the dark. It reminds me of when Karen died."
"Darkness upon the earth and into the soul." (that one's a bit over the top)
"It was dark when I woke, and I couldn't tell whether it was night or no light came where I lay."

But rather than simply describe the condition, tell us a bit of the emotions behind the darkness.

-- 31 Jul 2014, 18:02 --

Carla Hurst-Chandler wrote:Thanks for the critique.
etc.

Sure. Congrats on your books! Two of my novels have also been published and I currently shopping my 3rd novel to agents.

leaparker · Post by **leaparker** » 31 Jul 2014, 17:12

On a pretty, sunny day a sunny, happy child went for a walk in the woods.

darkfae2317 · Post by **darkfae2317** » 01 Aug 2014, 03:08

"Like a ghost she came, she traversed the path like she had a million times before. Like a mirage, shimmering up from from the heated asphalt, her steps unhurried, but sure."

haikudude · Post by **haikudude** » 01 Aug 2014, 03:55

They were retired public school teachers who had to sacrifice for everything they had.
They needed both incomes just to be desperate. But eight months among the expatriate
community in a "quaint pueblo where locals fished El Mar just as the generations before
them had" gave wing to Don Roberto and Dona Alicia. Bob and Lisa were now among the
idle rich and could afford to pay a domestic to wash their clothes and go get more mezcal when they ran out. They were such good customers at La Tienda Licores, that
el dueno started a tab in their honor.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 01 Aug 2014, 10:40

Not first sentence, but first para from my 1st novel "Blood Spiral" --

Police Headquarters in Houston is a seven-story concrete monstrosity that squats on a downtown cul-de-sac named Riesner Street. Since city jail is on the top two floors of the building, Houstonians refer to jail as the Hotel Riesner. I was on my way there to meet a client, currently a guest of the hotel.

Shinyfox · Post by **Shinyfox** » 01 Aug 2014, 13:01

This is what I have so far with mine, it's just a short story I'm working on.

She found herself kneeling on the ground again; as though pain were a God and she a worshiper in its halls.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 01 Aug 2014, 13:52

Excellent, shiny! You establish location, but you also set a mood and tell us something internal and emotional about the character. This will hook the reader, I'm certain.

I'd however replace the semicolon with a comma, as the 2nd clause isn't independent. (just like the sentence I wrote, ha ha)

In most contemporary fiction, also, the use of the semicolon has declined considerably. By "contemporary" I mean fiction being written right now. Like many things, modern fiction tends to be more informal and terse, with short sentences, short paragraphs, and a more abrupt prose style.

Shinyfox · Post by **Shinyfox** » 01 Aug 2014, 14:03

Thank you for the critique! I've made the change. Once you pointed it out I couldn't believe I had missed that! I'm still not certain where this particular story is going but I woke up one night with that sentence in my mind and I wrote it down and have been working on it since.