Sometimes you just feel like you nailed it

tbughi1 · Post by **tbughi1** » 05 Feb 2013, 12:52

Ever feel like sometimes when you're writing, you just hit the nail right on the head? Just wrote this little scene for my next fantasy book. Enjoy!

The tavern was not far and it was still early morning by the time they arrived. The sun’s light was just beginning to clear the rooftops around them and the eerie silence of Lucifan’s back alleyways was made less intimidating by the soft bright light seeping into the corners. From a distance, The Kraken’s Eye sign could still be seen hanging above the entrance as they approached. The oval shaped eye with its hourglass-like iris carved into the wood seemed far less menacing than it had the first time Emily had seen it.
Emily had expected to hear sounds of laughter, drinking, and music as they approached the tavern, but instead she was only greeted by staunch silence and she was reminded that it was still earlier morning. By nature of its business, taverns were largely places of worship for the nocturnal being, so her hesitation at the lack activity was eased. As she opened the tavern door and had a look inside, her nervousness dissipated altogether.
There were pirates everywhere. In the chairs, the barstools, on the floor, on the tables, even a few on the bar itself. Their clothes were ragged, their hair was long, their beards were short, and they stank of men who desperately needed to be back on the open sea. From their belts, vests, and boots hung either the naked blades or concealed handles of everything from short daggers to fancy rapiers to wicked cutlasses. Jewels, rubies, and coins dangled from goatees, perched on rings, and hung from earrings. Each pirate had at least one or as many as five mugs and bottles no less than arm’s length away.
There was just shy of two dozen of them, and not a single one was awake.
The empty silence of the streets behind Emily were drowned out as the quiet snores and heavy breathing of men in an alcohol induced stupor flooded through the opened door. Abe cringed at the sight of it all; Adelpha buried her face into an open palm.
“Are you sure you want to go through with this, Emily?” she asked.
“What?” Emily balked. “Of course I’m sure.”
Even she noted the hesitation in her voice, but Adelpha only sighed in reply and said nothing about it. They cautiously stepped over the first incapacitated body at the tavern’s threshold and into The Kraken’s Eye.
“You know,” Abe whispered, “for a bunch of thieving scum, they sure don’t seem too worried about getting robbed.”
Abe was eying one particularly large emerald clutched on a short necklace of a nearby pirate as he said this. The pirate was sitting back in a chair, arms and head draped back with a wide open mouth that exposed yellow, cracked teeth. His scraggly beard was lifted up, exposing the precious gem to the world, and not a single care seemed to be given to its safe keeping.
“Someone could just…” Abe trailed off and reached a hand slowly out to touch the green rock.
Emily opened her mouth to scold her brother, but just as Abe’s fingers grazed the emerald’s surface, the pirate’s eyes snapped open. His head flipped up and he grabbed Abe’s hand by the wrist before he could yank it back in surprise. Faster than a gunslinger, the pirate had a hand on his dagger’s handle and a flare of anger in his eyes.
“I ain’t that drunk, boy,” the pirate said through clenched teeth. “Try that again and I’ll be keeping this hand.”
Abe’s voice had gone so dry he hadn’t even gasped in fright. He stared at the pirate wide eyed with a gaping mouth and only gave a tiny nod in reply. The pirate glared at him one more time before letting his hand go, which Abe drew back quickly. Then the pirate’s eyes sunk back into his skull and he let his head fall back again behind the chair. His snores rose into the air a moment later, falling back to sleep so quickly that for a moment Emily thought the entire thing had been a ploy.
“Satisfied?” Adelpha asked.

L-A-Henderson[1] · Post by **L-A-Henderson[1]** » 05 Feb 2013, 14:59

Sometimes I feel like I nailed it ,and sometimes I feel like the nail hit me.

asmaahsan · Post by **asmaahsan** » 07 Feb 2013, 01:18

Hey Travis,

Nice opening. I am a proofreader and editor too. If you need help, give a shout out.

When is the book coming to the review forum? Please specify that Asma Ahsan is your official reviewer and only she gets to review your work.

-- 07 Feb 2013, 10:23 --

L-A-Henderson[1] wrote:Sometimes I feel like I nailed it ,and sometimes I feel like the nail hit me.

My uncle who has a very good sense of humor mailed me these recently. Hilarious stuff:

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit... Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

12. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

13. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

14. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Maud Fitch · Post by **Maud Fitch** » 07 Feb 2013, 02:35

I like what you have written, tbughi1, good imagery.

If you like humorous paraprosdokians or cleverly written ideas, I strongly recommend that you read Jasper Fforde.
His Thursday Next series is set in an overlapping yet parallel bookworld with intelligent plots and witty literary jokes.
My suggestion would be to start with "The Eyre Affair".

DATo · Post by **DATo** » 07 Feb 2013, 03:14

tbughi1,

Nicely written. I enjoyed reading it very much.

"Try that again and I’ll be keeping this hand.". I felt that line all the way down into my DAToenails. *LOL*

asmaahsan · Post by **asmaahsan** » 07 Feb 2013, 03:55

Maud Fitch wrote:I like what you have written, tbughi1, good imagery.

If you like humorous paraprosdokians or cleverly written ideas, I strongly recommend that you read Jasper Fforde.
His Thursday Next series is set in an overlapping yet parallel bookworld with intelligent plots and witty literary jokes.
My suggestion would be to start with "The Eyre Affair".

I'd love too! Thankyou for the recommendation.

tbughi1 · Post by **tbughi1** » 07 Feb 2013, 10:00

Asma Ahsan - Wow! Thank you! This is actually a scene near the ending of my 3rd book in a series. The 1st in the series has already been reviewed - http://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewto ... 21&t=11477 - and the 2nd one is awaiting someone to review it here on the forums, so you can grab that one if you like. This 3rd one, featured here, will go up for review once I finish editing it. I just completed the first draft this week.

Maud Fitch - I noticed that's your favorite author and book. No matter, you've piqued my interest thoroughly ... (checking the preview on amazon) ... yeah, that definitely sounds like something up my alley. Will do! It's been added to my reading queue.

DATo - I've read some short scenes of yours and liked them very much. A compliment from you, sir, will not be taken likely. Thank you.

asmaahsan · Post by **asmaahsan** » 07 Feb 2013, 16:28

You didnt notice that your book, A victim of bullying was reviewed too,by me actually.

Tell me what you think of my review as I am an amateur reviewer. It will encourage me. All the best.

http://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewto ... 24&t=12529

tbughi1 · Post by **tbughi1** » 07 Feb 2013, 23:31

I did notice, actually, and I liked the review very much. Very good summary as well as in depth consideration for style, presentation and overall effectiveness. My fiance liked it even more! I would not mind at all if you were my dedicated reviewer =D

asmaahsan · Post by **asmaahsan** » 08 Feb 2013, 05:04

Good. Congrats on your engagement. Please mail me a piece of your wedding cake along with a signed copy of your book with my review at the last page after the epilogue.

Also remember to mention I am a female as most people think I am a guy, possibly with a "Hitler mustache."

DianeOwens · Post by **DianeOwens** » 08 Feb 2013, 08:47

I enjoyed the excerpt as well. When you get in the zone, it is a wonderful feeling. I think you actually enter into this creative cosmic consciousness. But maybe that's just me feeling expansive.

tbughi1 · Post by **tbughi1** » 08 Feb 2013, 10:01

DianeOwnes - thank you, and I agree with you about the "zone." I equate the feeling to the way author Bernard Cornwell describes one of his characters entering a sort of battle trance where he "can do no wrong" in battle.

Asma - Well, I'll need your address to do that, you can PM it to me if you like. And don't worry, I already knew you were a girl. I remembered reading your posts from this thread - http://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewto ... =1&t=12440 - where you said "we women" before you even reviewed my book.

asmaahsan · Post by **asmaahsan** » 10 Feb 2013, 04:19

Smooth!

tell you what, fix your wedding date and I I'll give you p.o. Box where you can mail the cake piece. Hi to your fiancé. Jokes aside, it's a pleasure to read you. Keep up the good work. All the best.

Carla Hurst-Chandler · Post by **Carla Hurst-Chandler** » 10 Feb 2013, 08:57

Well written! Will look forward to reading more of it!

mhjames · Post by **mhjames** » 13 Feb 2013, 00:31

Very nice scene! Good work, and most intriguing.

I certainly know what you mean about hitting the nail on the head. Sometimes I am so impressed with my own work, other times not so much. I love it when I come back to something after months, or longer, with fresh eyes and read it and think "Wow, I write this? I'm pretty good." Sometimes, though, I think the exact opposite.