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I know that requesting an official review is prohibited, but I would love some of your opinions on this. It is the prologue to something I have had floating around in my mind for awhile. Basic back story: It is a fantasy world, similar to medieval Europe. The girl will be taken to a special convent, trained in warfare, potions/poisons/herbals, and taught a form of witch craft that is gifted by a goddess, but only to those girls and women who have proven themselves worthy. These women are not allowed to love, to experience passion or mother hood. She rebels against it and falls in love with the boy she is called to sacrifice once she has received the gift from the goddess. I am really struggling with how to write this without being cliche, over the top, or something that has been over done. I don't want it to be a love story, just want to include love as part of her story, the first defining moment in the rest of her life. I want action and adventure, mystery, growth and learning, maybe some betrayal. I am far from close to starting.

Basically..I have my prologue. What do ya'll think so far?

Prologue


The child looked around her, confusion plain on her pale face. Grey stones rose from the mists, like sentinels glaring down upon her. She raised her hand to catch a snowflake on her palm, and jumped, the small gray flake left a red welt. Ash. An acrid, horrid smell burnt its way into her lungs.

"Hello?" she asked in a trembling voice. It echoed eerily through the dark.

The girl started walking, meandering, really, through the tall stones. Silent tears streamed gritty tracks down her face. Small holes from wandering ash burnt through fabric to scald her tender skin.

Suddenly she stopped, her whole body quivering. The mist was changing, pulsating a pale, sickly green. A scream wrenched past her lips. The light had illuminated what the fog had hidden. The stones. Gravestones. Hundreds of them. Carved in circular patterns were strange runes. It was from these runes that the odd green light was emanating.

One marker, larger than the others, loomed before her. As the green light grew stronger, she could barely make out three shapes beneath it. The girl managed to take one step, then one more, before fainting.

At the base of the tombstone were the bodies of her family.

The girl had the same dream every night for two weeks. Then suddenly, it was gone. A night of peace and innocence. It would be her last.

When she woke, it was to a city pulsating with screams of terror and wails of panic. The word was whispered frantically among the rich, wrenched from the poor.

Plague.

Its destruction was swift and fierce. No home was left untouched. The girl’s father fell first, he managed to last two weeks. Her mother didn't last two days. The wracking coughs tore the babe from her belly long before his time.

She huddled in a corner, small fist pressed tight against her lips. The midwife worked frantically, trying to staunch the blood. Every time she managed to halt it, another fit of coughing would shake through her mother’s body, and the bleeding would begin again.

Eventually the midwife gave up. They all did. No one tried to fight the sickness, the carts stopped coming, and bodies lay where they fell. And one small girl knew the truth.

She had brought the epidemic.

Sounds really great to me. I think if you just proceed focusing on her strengths and whatnot you have a good set-up for showing how women aren't defined by their relationship status... or whether or not they define themselves with a man. There is actually a very large stereotype surrounding women where it is seen as abnormal for them to be successful... and when they are it is assumed that they are man-esque in some way... like having given up motherhood (or being a lesbian) etc... various ways of giving up what is female about them. It would be great to see a heroine who is both strong and knowledgeable... and yet still adheres to more standard feminine roles. Like... you can be a woman, in all ways, and still be strong/powerful (assumed masculine traits).


I think so-far-so-good. Its a good start with a lot of potential. Don't worry too much about being cliche. Just get to writing.. .and you can edit out anything you want to change later. It might be even easier to go about it in a re-write than to worry about it in a first draft. Then you can look at each specific cliche and plug in something more interesting instead.

Thanks. Yeah that has been my problem with a lot of books lately. I am tired of female characters with no depth that can't do anything without a man. I want her falling for the boy to be only a catalyst to her finding herself. He will be a main character, but not the only important thing to her. In fact, I think I want her to sacrifice his life. Not him choosing to do so to save her, but her choosing to let him die to save herself. Yeah, I like that. Hmm.

Personally, there's nothing wrong with love and a really good love story. And not all love stories end with the couple riding off into the sunset as I see you dont expect this one to. The problem usually surfaces in the public and private interactions between the 'lovers.' What are you thinking for the boys personality and how will it compliment your female character? Will he be approving, supportive, conflicted? Younger/older? I think the fact that you are worried about it being cliche will help your characters develop out of whats considered normal or expected.

As far as the story goes so far, i think it sounds interesting. Im not super into sci-fi where warcraft is involved. I just have a very hard time picturing that aspect of a book. I would love to see how this story develops and how you expand on the story line.

Right I agree a love story can totally be incorporated, and there is nothing wrong with it. But it would be refreshing to see something that was more like... this is just part of her life... and not all of it... and it isn't the end game either. Wayyyy too many stories end with getting the guy... like somehow that is the happy ending... but like... then what? Her life is over? lol

And that would be interesting for her to be put in a situation where she has to choose herself... because it seems that a lot of times women are kind of expected to sacrifice themselves... and that is their only power or influence is to be even more selfless. So like if she is in a situation where she knows she needs to be the one to live because she is the one who can do.. whatever needs to be done for greater good etc. However your story is going to go. It could be really interesting.

I though the start was good. If the girl is going away for training, it's easier if there are no ties (the plague takes care of that).

Some things that were unclear to me (maybe I read it too fast) How did she cause the plauge (mentined in the last sentence)?
You may not have gotten this far yet, but what makes her special and proven worthy for training? Was it something about the plague (or causing it)? or is this something that is proven in training at the convent?

I know you said you are far from starting, but did you at least outline where you want the story to go after the training is complete? Does the whole book focus on her early years and all of the training? or does this lead her into a battle scene at the end (or lead into other books)?

I think it sounds pretty good so far. I agree with Skillian, just keep writing. I am sure it will turn out great. Good luck!

The prologue was awesome. It was really intriguing and the rest of the story seems pretty good too. So just write it out and then edit out the bits you don't like later.