pure heart

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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fathimanasman
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pure heart

Post by fathimanasman »

once there lived a girl.she is not rich and not beautiful.But she started talking with strangers with phones because in her home, she thinks nobody cares for her.She is a cool and helping mined girl. Her loneliness made ,she was chatting with strangers.All strangers were good friends to her.one day she found her brother's friend on facebook.Then,she quit all other guys who talked to her and started talking to that her brother's friend.This matter doesn't know to her brother.she started liking his talkies ,chats and cares.oneday she proposed to that guy.He didn't say yes to her.Because she is not rich and beautiful.She was disappointed deadly.Then,she left him.she never had talkies yet.Middle of this ,her parents arranged a wedding.Then she married another guy.she is living with him and she have a son.But anyhow,she feels rejected yet.Its like a heart attack to her that her brother's friend's rejection.please guys don't chat or call any girl if you are not really interested in her.please don't play with someone's heart...ITS A REALLY HAPPENED STORY...LOVE IS CAUTIOUS..PLEASE DON'T PLAY...

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Askar Ali
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Post by Askar Ali »

Now I am having heart attack with this english

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Drakka Reader
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Post by Drakka Reader »

I have no idea how this was meant to come across, but it is not good, and almost feels like a joke or spam. Try to use spaces and punctuation. Try also to use English more properly and don't just tell people what happened, that's not a story. You gotta actually show what happened, not just go "and then this happened, and then this", that's boring and draws in nobody.

Hope you improve!

Frances019
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Post by Frances019 »

Drakka Reader wrote:
29 Mar 2020, 14:29
I have no idea how this was meant to come across, but it is not good, and almost feels like a joke or spam. Try to use spaces and punctuation. Try also to use English more properly and don't just tell people what happened, that's not a story. You gotta actually show what happened, not just go "and then this happened, and then this", that's boring and draws in nobody.

Hope you improve!
I agree, especially with the "show don't tell" bit. The fastest way to kill a story is to just tell everything that happened.

Sumansona1344
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Post by Sumansona1344 »

This english is making me die. Try writing more and getting it checked by someone. They can tell you where you are wrong and you can improve it.

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