Undisputed and Lost in the Carnival

[Vesci]

Greetings everyone.
I'm new to this forum and the very reason I joined this forum is to share two stories I have authored.
The first story is named Undisputed. It bears the theme of Vengeance. It targets the age group of 14-17
The story is as followed :

Undisputed
There I was marching down the steel ramp towards the ring. Energy was flowing through the atmosphere. The wild crowd was set free from their cages, they howled at me as I passed by them. They were expecting the best out of this event. Standing strong and fearless was the Champ who was defending his title against an underdog. He glared at me for a second and smiled.
With full confident he said “You aren't goanna last for a second lad, why don’t you go back and send a real fighter huh?”.
It was too late for me to go back. The fight already began; Pow! he made the first move. As he landed a solid jab across my worn out face, I was brought to my knees by the first strike. He didn't let me make a move, I had no choice but to keep my guard up and wait for the right moment to get back in the game. Something caught my attention, it was some kind of a tattoo. I then realized what it was and remembered...
The moon was shedding light onto the poised tree, which had a branch precariously perched over my dad's new Chevrolet Silverado. As we sat inside, a figure emerged from the dark and crossed the street, limping. He approached dad's window. And in a flash, the man was aim the gun at dad's head. On his forearm was a tattoo of a dagger and an anchor piercing through a skull. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and my heart dropped to my knees.

"Get out. Now!" The man forced us out of the car.
We slowly got out but he still had the gun pointed towards dad.
"Deckard, run. Get away! Run!" Dad yelled.
With tears in my eyes I started backing away but before I knew it, I heard a bang, gasp and fall. Then, deafening silence filled the deserted street. The man jumped in the car and drove off. But there he lay, still and silent. Thick, maroon blood oozing out of my dad's chest I saw the same sailor jerry tattoo on my his arm. I felt a rush of adrenaline as I was thrown into a fit of rage. The blood rushed to my head as I sprang up. My legs were suddenly not only holding me up, but charging towards my opponent. Could this be the man who killed my father? Does a tattoo confirm the identity of a murderer? I didn’t know and I didn't really care. With all my power I crashed into him. My finger tightened into a fist and I punched him relentlessly. Knocking him into a different dimension. There was no stopping or controlling me. My rage blanketed my thoughts and blinded me. I forced him to a corner, he had no way out. I kept on striking repeatedly, trying to break his guard. I reached height of anger that no one could even imagine, I could feel the rage flow through my veins. I was an unstoppable force. I landed a right hook across his face and screamed rage “Why?” .
“I was just eleven when you took his life!” With full force I jammed my forehead on his nose and watched him tumble across the ring. I grasped his arm and went for the cross arm breaker. It didn't take long, only a matter of seconds to dislocate his left arm. He went down with tears. Bouncing from corner to another. I grabbed his blonde, silky hair and forced him to get back up. “Give me a break ”,He cried.
I responded back “You shouldn't have killed him" and in a blink of an eye I flipped him around and Pile-Driver him in the middle of the ring. I slowed down and eventually froze. I looked at him and burst into tears. There were hands clenching me and dragging me away from him. He was lying there dead. Blood gushing out of his face, the ring was covered with a layer of thick crimson blood. Satisfaction surged through me as I watched his body lying motionless.

The second story is Lost in Carnival. It bears the theme of Relationships and Love. It targets The age group of 6-9
The story is as followed :
Lost in the Carnival

There were rides, stalls, music and colourful lights all around us. The lady at the cotton candy stall was surrounded by kids.
“Mum! Can I please, please get cotton candy?” My sister cried.
“Sure, honey.”
Ellie gets everything she wants, whether it’s a toy or a pet! She ran to the stall tugging at mum.

After they came back mum and dad asked us to stay on the bench next to us while they get tea.
“Why can’t we come with you? I’m always stuck with Ellie,” I whined.
"Now Gary, don't say that. Just sit here till we come back. It will take two minutes but make sure you don't leave."
I sat down, crossed my arms and looked the other way. When my parents walked away Ellie started jumping around.
"Let's play a game, Gary! How about you count to ten and I go hide. Or let's play black shoe."
"No, Ellie. Mum and Dad said to stay here."
She kept buzzing around the bench like an annoying bee. My face turned red with anger.
"Can you just stop being such a baby and sit down?!" I yelled.
"Why are you so mean?" Ellie started to weep.
"Stop crying and go play with yourself."
She turned away with tears rolling down her face and walked towards the huge crowd ahead. She probably won't go far, though.

"Gary, where's Ellie?" Dad said worriedly as he came towards me.
"She walked off."
"What do you mean? How can you let her go in this enormous place? What were you thinking? She's just six years old!" Mum screamed.
"She was annoying me so I told her to play with herself. I didn't think she'd get lost. She's probably at the merry go round," I mumbled.
My parents started calling out her name and searching for her. They told me to wait while they tell the security guard. As soon as they were gone I jumped off the bench and ran in the direction she left. What have I done? Will I find her?

I called out for her but there were hundreds of people screaming with joy and excitement in the fair. I finally saw her soft, curly brown hair behind the cotton candy stall.
"Ellie?! We've been looking all over for you!"
She crawled out of the corner and hugged me tight.
"Are you okay? Mum and dad must be worried sick!"
"There were so many tall people and I was so scared. I shouldn't have run off but I was sad that you yelled at me," she cried.
"Oh Ellie, I'm sorry. I promise not to ignore you and be mean. I'm really sorry. We must be getting back."
I held her hand and headed towards the nearest guard.

If you've come this far, I appreciate you reading the stories. It would be splendid if you could comment with remarks or improvements.
Cheers.

[rachel_bruhn]

Such a different feel to both of those stories! As an adult I would definitely say the first was more interesting, but I suppose that is the point. However, I strongly encourage you to preview your work before submitting it. I noticed multiple errors in the first story that would have been caught with a simple read over (i.e. missing a word or using the wrong tense). A tip that always worked for me was to read my writings out loud or simply have someone else read it to you. When you write your own work it is easy for your brain to fill in how you intended it to be instead of reading what is actually there. I could see the first story growing with more detail of the before and after. Presumably you could easily add more content and make that into a full novel.

I like the "central message" of the second story. I think all siblings can relate to sibling rivalry and feeling annoyed by younger or older siblings. What would your intentions be with this story? I don't think the flow of this story feels the same as the first and some of the words would be a little too difficult for a 6 year old to read (I think). I could see this possibly being a story read in the classroom, but it doesn't have the feel that most young children's books do. It could work for an older audience (closer to the 9 year old side) and could be built on for a short chapter book for that age group.

It seems like you have some great ideas in progress and I wish you the best of luck on your journey!