For Whom the Bell Tolled

[smiley0905]

For Whom the Bell Tolled
The stars are bright tonight, like a thousand lost diamonds floating up there in the sky. Below, there are no lights. All the houses are dark, seemingly empty and void of human life. But the snow that covered the ground is still visible from the veranda where I stand. It is cold. I am shivering, the winter wind sharp against my skin. I could hear the bellows of a flock of cattle though I cannot see them.
“Can you see anything?” I asked Gav. He is my older brother. He is looking through the telescope, using it to look on the grounds below rather than at the beautiful stars above.
He stayed silent, completely occupied.
Then he finally responded. “Not really. But I see a birdcage. It’s not anywhere near the houses. It’s at the edge of the woods. Maybe it’s worth checking out.”

Meanwhile, in the woods, Nico is hidden behind a tree. He already got the message from the birdcage. The plan didn’t go as expected. He ran further into the woods and reached the bell tower. He ran up the stairs, and reached the top where his master stood, hands clasped together behind his back, looking down. He handed the message to his master. Nico truly wants to be a loyal servant. Reynauld, the master, on the other hand, doubts about his feelings toward Nico. He cannot seem to trust Nico completely, despite Nico’s eagerness to serve and his obvious abilities.

The two worlds of Gavin and Nico are about to collide, as Gavin and Rica are only steps away from the birdcage. With all this happening, the bell tolled, its curves swinging mid-air, resounding its judgment call. The bell have not tolled for a long time. It had been nine years.

[DATo]

I am going to assume that this is an excerpt rather than a complete story. I am thinking this, in part, because Rica's place in the story is not defined.

It is well written but I am having trouble connecting the dots. I understand the allusion to Donne's sermon but I am having trouble applying it to what you have written. Apparently the tolling of the bell has an ominous significance with regard to one or more characters in the story but there is not enough information present for me to draw any conclusion(s). I admit that this may be due to denseness on my part and not a fault of the story.

Can anyone help me out with this?

[stanley]

I thought the opening scene was vivid and provocative ,raising questions right away designed to hook the reader. My sense, though, was that the writer lost the effect in the second paragraph.Too soon we move from the mind of Gav's younger brother into Nico's and then into Reynauld's. Then we are told that Gav and Nico are moving at cross purposes toward the birdcage. It's all too rushed for this reader. Maybe the writer means to return to the younger brother viewpoint for background material without which I don't see how the story can unfold.
I had also a little trouble with the tolling of the bell. Maybe there's good reason for this obvious symbol of some kind of finality to appear so early in the story, but I think the reader should be let in on it. In my opinion, also, the descriptive language actually gets in the way of the effect the writer wants to produce. In other words by over describing the bell and its supposed judgement the reader is told how to feel. "... its curves swinging mid air..." does not tell us anything about the bell or its tolling. All bells are curved and they swing in the air. Nor does any bell swing "...resounding it's judgement call..." It just swings and tolls. Its effect on the reader must be created by the writer.Consider how more effective the tolling of the bell might be if it,s not described. "The bell had not tolled in nine years."
All this said, I would be very interested to find out what happens in this story, drawn in as I am by the opening paragraph.

[smiley0905]

I thought the opening scene was vivid and provocative ,raising questions right away designed to hook the reader. My sense, though, was that the writer lost the effect in the second paragraph.Too soon we move from the mind of Gav's younger brother into Nico's and then into Reynauld's. Then we are told that Gav and Nico are moving at cross purposes toward the birdcage. It's all too rushed for this reader. Maybe the writer means to return to the younger brother viewpoint for background material without which I don't see how the story can unfold.
I had also a little trouble with the tolling of the bell. Maybe there's good reason for this obvious symbol of some kind of finality to appear so early in the story, but I think the reader should be let in on it. In my opinion, also, the descriptive language actually gets in the way of the effect the writer wants to produce. In other words by over describing the bell and its supposed judgement the reader is told how to feel. "... its curves swinging mid air..." does not tell us anything about the bell or its tolling. All bells are curved and they swing in the air. Nor does any bell swing "...resounding it's judgement call..." It just swings and tolls. Its effect on the reader must be created by the writer.Consider how more effective the tolling of the bell might be if it,s not described. "The bell had not tolled in nine years."
All this said, I would be very interested to find out what happens in this story, drawn in as I am by the opening paragraph.

Thank you for the very detailed response. This was actually written through ten prompts given, timed 2 minutes per prompt, and I definitely am intrigued too of how the story would have gone if I didn't stop after the 10th prompt. I can understand your slight frustration about the bell, but I believe that was one way I satisfied a prompt. I'm sorry that I have to reveal that I had no definite ending in mind when I wrote it... though I might reconsider continuing the story because of your response. Again, thank you.