Make Believe

[rachel_bruhn]

So, this isn't exactly a short story, but it is as far as I have gotten in something I am working on. I am just looking for some feedback on the style and flow and tips that I can use to make it better. Thanks!

I have never believed in ghost stories. There is no life after death and ghosts don’t exist. Science can explain any “paranormal activity” that takes place. None of my friends believed me. I never should have agreed to go with them that night. Maybe if I would have paid more attention things would be different. Maybe if I would have believed she would still be alive. Maybe we would all still be alive.

CHAPTER 1

“Come on, Billy!” Bethany whined. “I promise I will never ask you for anything ever again if you just agree to come with me.”
Billy rolled his eyes. Why did girls have to be so whiney? It was early October and Bethany was dying to go to some abandoned hospital out in the middle of who knows where. She had read somewhere that the hospital was haunted and decided that she wanted to go to a real haunted house instead of some lame, theatrical haunted house. Billy thought the whole idea was stupid. The people that claimed the place was haunted probably just got scared and started hearing things. He’d watched all those ghost hunting shows and knew how easy it was to fake everything they showed on there.
“I really don’t see what the big deal is about an old, abandoned hospital. You’re just going to go there, get scared about nothing, and then want to go home,” Billy retorted.
“I am not! If you don’t think it’s true, then come with me and prove me wrong.”
Bethany was not going to let him out that easily. Honestly, she was nervous about going, but knew that if Billy went he would make sure her mind didn’t run away with her. Plus, she has had a crush on Billy ever since last summer when he suddenly got hot. This would be the perfect excuse to get close to him.
“Look, I already talked to Ty and Michelle and they are down for it. Please don’t make me be a third wheel.” Now she was pouting. No guy can resist a pout.
Billy let out a sigh of defeat. “Fine, you win. I will go with you guys, but I’m not going to like it.”
Bethany squealed with excitement and jumped onto Billy, wrapping him in a tight bear hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! Be at my house on Friday by 6 o’clock.”
Billy thought Bethany was cute, but sometimes she acted like a brat. Of course she thinks he fell for that pout of hers, but really he knew that she wasn’t going to give up until he gave her what she wanted. Now that he had committed to going, he needed to start planning ways to scare the crap out of the girls. At least that would make the night interesting. Billy smiled to himself as his mind got to work scheming.

CHAPTER 2

By the time Billy arrived at Bethany’s house, Ty and Michelle were already there. It didn’t surprise Billy that Ty and Michelle agreed to go. Ty was really into all of that ghost stuff and even had all the equipment to “prove” ghosts existed. Michelle would go anywhere Ty went, because she was obsessed with him. Well, not really, but they had been dating for a few months now and were still pretty into each other. Also, Michelle and Bethany had been best friends since Kindergarten and did everything together.
Billy didn’t bother to knock on the front door. He had been to Bethany’s house so many times it was like he lived there. As soon as he shut the door, Bethany came bolting out of nowhere and jumped on him. She had a huge grin on her face, clearly excited about tonight. Billy just smiled and shook his head. He followed Bethany into the living room where all the gear was piled up in the middle of the floor. Ty and Michelle were cuddled up on the couch lost in their own conversation. Bethany ran into the kitchen to get some pizza rolls for everyone to snack on while they discussed the plan. Bethany wasted no time getting started.
“Okay, so as soon as we get there, Ty, you’re going to set up the cameras right?”
“Sure thing! I have one camera that we can carry around with us and one that we can set up in a room or something. I also have an audio recorder and an EVP device that we can use while we walk around. I wish I had some cooler stuff, but it’s not in my budget.”
“Perfect! We can find a good place to call headquarters and put all the blankets and stuff in there. I want to have everything in place and ready to go by the time the sun goes down.”
“Are we even allowed to be in there? I mean aren’t those places usually private property or something?” Billy was still trying to find some way to get out of this. Surely no one wanted to get a criminal record for this.
Bethany rolled her eyes. “It’s abandoned. No one is going to care if we go in there. Lots of people have done it. Now if no one else has any complaints,” Bethany started, throwing a glare in Billy’s direction, “let’s get the car loaded up and get on the road!”
It took some finesse, but the truck was finally loaded and everyone piled into the car. Bethany was behind the wheel, since she was the only one that knew where this place was. Ty and Michelle were predictably cuddled up in the back seat, which left Billy up front with Bethany. She talked non-stop for the entire one-hour drive to the hospital. She recounted stories she had read online about experiences people reported. She even went on about the history of the hospital and how it was eventually shut down back in the 1980s. Supposedly some doctor was doing unethical experiments on the patients in the early 1900s, especially those in the psych ward. When his secret got out, his staff turned on him. Until the hospital was shut down, there were many mysterious deaths of patients, which some say were caused by the doctor’s ghost and the patients he tortured.
Billy was skeptical about the truth of any of it. Everyone knows that back in the late 1800s, when asylums started popping up to house the mentally insane people, doctors used experimental treatments on patients that would not be deemed as ethical today. Pretty much every old hospital and asylum had the same story. People just want to believe that the poor, tortured souls of the insane people are still there, trying to get their revenge for how they were treated. People walk into the hospital thinking about all the terrible things that happened there, which makes them feel creeped out and start hearing/seeing things.

CHAPTER 3

As they pulled up to the enormous hospital, Billy had to admit the place looked creepy. The brick exterior was covered in ivy and mildew. Tall weeds and bushes surrounded much of the building. You could see places where the bricks were starting to break free of the mortar and crumble. Most of the windows on the first floor had been boarded up, probably to prevent vandals and other people from entering the property. See, we’re not supposed to be here. The windows on the upper floors were mostly intact, but a few had clearly been broken. Perfect excuse for things moving inside without explanation.
“Wow! Just check this place out! It’s better than the pictures I found online,” Bethany said as she panned the property, eyes wide.
“Just looks like an old building to me,” replied Billy, which earned him a slap and look of disapproval from Bethany.
Ty and Billy unloaded the trunk and walked up to the front entrance.
“Locked. Looks like we can’t get in,” Billy remarked as he saw the chains securing the doors.
“Don’t worry. I come prepared,” Ty replied with a wink, as he removed bolt cutters from one of his bags of equipment. With a quick snip with the bolt cutters, the chains fell away and Ty pulled open the door. It looked old, but swung open with only the slightest creak.
“Ladies first,” said Ty has he held the door open and gestured for the girls to enter.
As soon as they walked in their mouths dropped. The place was stunning, even if it did look a bit rundown. The atrium was huge and had an air of elegance to it. There was a large stairwell directly across the atrium from the front doors. To the left and right were long hallways, no longer shut off from the atrium by doors that used to exist. It looked like no one had bothered to clean the place out after it was shut down. There were papers strewn about, chairs and tables still sitting along the walls, and other objects that looked old enough to have been there when the hospital was functioning. Most of the lettering on the walls had faded and peeled away, so it was hard to make out what they used to say.
“Scared yet, Billy?” Bethany teased as she moved further into the atrium.
Billy laughed. “Just terrified,” was his sarcastic retort.
“Bethany, where did you say most of the activity was reported? I want to set up a camera there.”
“In the psych ward, duh! According to the floorplans I found online, it’s in the east wing.” Bethany rummaged around in her backpack and found the floor plans she printed to help guide them through the hospital. “That way,” she said as she pointed to the hallway to the right.
“Care to come with me and help me decide where to put it?” taunted Ty.
“Absolutely! You know, this place isn’t too scary when it’s light out.”
Bethany and Ty headed into the east wing in search of the perfect spot for the camera, while Billy and Michelle hung out in the atrium. Billy could hear Bethany’s chattering as it gradually faded the further away they got.
“You know she’s into you, right?” Michelle asked out of nowhere.
“Uh, sure, I guess.”
“She wanted you to come so she had someone to hold her when she gets scared.”
Billy chuckled. “I guess that makes sense.”
“So, are you into her?” Michelle prodded.
“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it,” Billy replied, trying to end the conversation.
“Well, you should think about it. She’s pretty great and it’s not like you two don’t spend a lot of time together anyways.”
“If I say I’ll think about it, will you drop it?”
“For now.”
“Fine. I’ll think about it. Now, will you help me set up our stuff over here?”
By the time Bethany and Ty returned, Billy and Michelle had put all their stuff in the corner of the atrium, by the stairs. Billy could hear Bethany going on about something as they came down the hallway.
Michelle greeted Ty with a kiss. “So, where did you put it?”
“We set the camera up in the corner of a lobby or something so we can see down a couple hallways and the entire lobby area.”
“Do we have a live feed that we can watch?” Billy was hoping that he could get away with some tricks down there later tonight if there wasn’t a live feed. They wouldn’t find out until later that he was behind it all.
“Nah. Live monitoring isn’t in my budget. We can go check it and watch a playback though if something exciting happens. We still have another hour or so to kill until it gets completely dark outside. What do you guys want to do?”
“We can take a tour of the hospital, you know, to get an idea of what everything looks like and where things are while we can still see clearly,” Bethany suggested.
“Might as well. Maybe we can cut out early when you guys realize there is nothing here.”
“Always the optimist, Billy,” Michelle poked. “I am up for taking a tour. Tour guide, can you lead the way?” she asked, looking at Bethany.
“Follow me!”

[jlee001]

I think this has the potential to be a really good book/story, but the writing style between Bethany and Billy seems a little juvenile. I'm not sure how to explain but it almost seems like the typical story, and very fake sounding. I think you should try to find another way to fix the communication between those two and the whole first chapter where they basically reveal their feelings for each other to the reader. Maybe let your own individual vote shine through on those sections because it seems dry.

[rachel_bruhn]

I picture them as high-school students, so juvenile would be about right (maybe I need to make that point in the beginning). I imagined Bethany as one of those all-too-perky types of girls. The attempt was to convey her as a optimistic, but immature character. Billy is a little more mature/low key and obviously the non-believer in the story (and the speaker for the intro).

Is the dialogue what sounds fake or is it the writing style? Is it the character traits that are bad or the way in which those traits are communicated? This is my first attempt at any real writing, so I am open to any suggestions to help make it better!

What do you mean by my individual vote?

[MsMartha]

I picture them as high-school students, so juvenile would be about right (maybe I need to make that point in the beginning).

I think making that point is a good idea. In Chapter 2, you mention "Bethany's house", and if she's the owner she's probably older than a high school student. If she's juvenile, it would most likely be her parents' house (which makes me wonder if her parents know she's going to the spooky place). Of course it could also just mean "where Bethany lives". As a reader, I don't know which is correct unless the writer give me a little more information.

[rachel_bruhn]

Thanks for the feedback! I will include some references to help show their age more clearly.

[pallavi garg]

I found the story with nice potential. ..u already added a spoiler stating gal died...nice effort..

[rachel_bruhn]

It was intentional. It's a horror story, so I thought it was presumed that people die in horror stories. I added the monologue as an intro to draw in the reader and build suspense.