The Chase

[kszolusha22]

Run. Run. Run. Run. Danger behind. Pain. Run. Run. Safe, need safe. Somewhere. Run. Still behind. Danger. Danger. Can’t go home. Babies are home. LOUD NOISE. Birds squak… Pain, pain. PAIN. ANGER. PAIN. Growl, Growwwwl. Growl. Hurt. Lick. Leg. Run. Run. PAIN. PAIN. Pain. Pain. Pain. Limp, run, get under cover. Woods. Pain. Woods. Home. Hurt. Limping. LOUD NOISE. HURT PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN Lay down. Can’t move. Tired. Pain. Losing breath. PAIN. Tired. Babies. Home. Sad. Pain. Sad. Pain. Pain. Tired. Pain. So tired. Tired tired tired. Sleep. Pain. Whimper. Struggle. Can’t move. Pain. Sleep.

The man with the smoking gun leans down over the dead body of the fox. “Yep, got him fer sure now. Took two damn shots but I got ‘em.”

“Looks like it’s a she, Brad. Y’ gotcherself a girl fox. Not a bad pelt though. Y’coulda probably got something good fer it if you didn’t put a damn hole right in the middle of ‘er though!” They laughed and the man who shot her slung her over his shoulder and carried her to the truck.

Back at the den, the kits were getting hungry.

[DATo]

Very nice. The first paragraph reminded me a lot of Kafka's short story, The Burrow.

I am in no way trying to criticize the architecture of your story, it is well written, I might just suggest that you not include the conversation of the humans but rather just describe their actions. This would have the psychological effect of keeping the reader in the domain of the animal and present the presence of the humans as a sort of alien intrusion into that domain.

Well done!

[zaynab_m]

Wow! Good short story, I enjoyed it. I like the way you tell the fox's thoughts.

[Muggy_Maggy]

Write more! This was amazing! I love short stories but I always want more from the good ones. I'd love to read more of your work!

[Vermont Reviews]

Look forward to reading more of your writing. Keep up the good work.

[moderntimes]

Nice little story.

One tech note: Guns don't smoke, haven't for about a century. It's called smokeless powder for a reason.

[rossallen]

I didn't like that you included the human element to the story at all. Including the dialogue and the information about the humans takes away from the animal survival instinct part of the story. Instead, elaborate on the actual escape of the fox and any maneuvers a fox might use to get away from a hunter, not just any thoughts that the fox might be having while being hunted.

[KatherineEWall]

[quote="DATo"]Very nice. The first paragraph reminded me a lot of Kafka's short story, The Burrow.

I am in no way trying to criticize the architecture of your story, it is well written, I might just suggest that you not include the conversation of the humans but rather just describe their actions. This would have the psychological effect of keeping the reader in the domain of the animal and present the presence of the humans as a sort of alien intrusion into that domain.

Well done![/quote

I agree with this. I think even if you could keep it in the fox's perspective. She could be barely alive, snapping weakly as they pick her up. Then her last thought could be the kits. I love the way you began it. I knew by the way you constructed it that it was either a fox, wolf or wild dog. You could hear the panting in the sentence structure.

I enjoyed it.

[PuckADoodle]

It's amazing how much the imagination can conjure up after reading small sentences like you wrote for the first paragraph. I think the idea of having an animal's perspective in the story is a good idea. Good job.

[versetab]

Want more. Really nice piece. Want to see what happens after he carries the fox.