The Detective, short story idea.
-
Andrewmather
- Posts: 1
- Joined: 27 Jan 2014, 18:13
- Bookshelf Size: 0
The Detective, short story idea.
"Mr Coleman, your dinner is served Sir," Steve the butler shouted from the hot steaming kitchen.
And on that call Mr Coleman made his way to sit at the table.
"All looks delicious!" Mr Coleman said.
But one masterpiece was missing from the plate, that special something that Mr Coleman NEEDED to have.
A beating heart.
"Oh sorry Sir, it'll be right with you, it's not easy to make a beating heart Sir," Steve replied.
So Mr Coleman sat patiently until the heart arrived on his plate.
"Look at that! There's nothing better in the world than a fresh heart for dinner," Mr Coleman happily said to himself while Steve looked on as he always did.
"Tuck away Sir!"
Mr Coleman took his knife and fork and elegantly placed them in position to cut. He pressed hard and the blood squirted everywhere, all over him.
A sickening look came over his face, the moment all psychopaths have, when they draw blood. He has that look.
But there's one difference between Mr Coleman and any other psychopath.
His sick needs are met by the government, a deal he signed to become their detective, a psychopath detective to catch psychopaths.
He's clever, very clever. In fact. .. He's the best detective there is, period!
Every case he's took, he's solved and put them away for life.
Oh. .. and don't worry about the beating heart with the pouring blood. .
Its all fake.
Mr Coleman knows, it keeps his psychopath needs at bay.
For now at least.
-//--//--//--//--//
There's just been a murder and detective Brown is at the scene.
-//-//-//-//-//-//
"Don't touch anything, leave it like it is, this is what they bring HIM in for!" Detective Brown said in a jelous manner, "Knowing him he's probably done this himself!"
"You're not serious about calling for Coleman are you? He's a complete nutter, a psychopath!" Brown's colleague blurted.
(Brown is already on the phone but there's no answer)
"Damn it! Where is that psychopath when you need him? When you don't want one, they're everywhere!" Brown said.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-
Mr Coleman pulls up in his car and exits.
'//'//'//'//'//-//'//-//-//
"I hear you need the help of a phycopath?" Coleman joked as he walked closer to Brown.
"Smell the blood can you?" Brown joined in with sarcasm.
"No, it wasn't the blood that drew my attention, it was the scream that I heard," Coleman answered, meaning he was in the vicinity at the time.
"And why would you be in the exact same spot at exactly the same time she was murdered?" Brown asked.
"Because I was hungry?" Coleman said while pointing in the direction of the butchers across the road.
"I still don't trust you! Brown said while walking up close so he was face to face, "nobody trusts you, because you're a psychopath!" And then he walked off leaving the whole scene to Coleman.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Back at the Head Quarters....
"I don't like him.... ...I can't stand him, he's an insult to us all!" Detective Brown gets everything off his chest while talking to his boss.
"You don't have to like him, you just have to work with him," replied the commissioner.
"But that's the point, HE makes it impossible to work with him!" Brown shouted.
"I'm sorry Brown, but my hands are tied on this one, they want him on it and they get what they want," the commissioner had the final say and that was that.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Back at the scene of the murder. ...
The woman was cornered against a wall, blood splattered streaks could be seen drying at the bottom, a slightly darker red where the blood piled up.
A block of flats, with not a single person present.
Wouldn't you at least watch if you lived there? Coleman thought to himself as he looked up from a kneeling position.
From first glance at her body Coleman could see her jewellery wasn't missing, gold plated earrings and a necklace too. Her watch wasn't cheap either, so who ever did this didn't do it for money.
"Right up my alley!" Coleman said to himself. One psychopath on the trail of possibly another.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
"I told you to take care of it! Not to leave a bloody mess everywhere. Now the psyco is sniffing around."
"Don't you worry about him, I've got him under control, one mistake from him and I'll be all over it like a dog in a meat bowl."
Mysterious conversation ends.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Coleman searches for anyone who might have seen the crime, first point of call. .. The flats. ....
Walking around the front, Coleman notices the busy road jam packed with people, how is it that nobody heard apart from Coleman?
Coleman has cheeky look through each front bottom window, but there's nobody home.
"There must have been someone who heard something, must of been," Coleman thought.
One of the doors, the flat adjacent or closest to the wall where she was cornered, has what it appears to be a broken handle. Coleman easily turns it and opens the door fully open.
There's a dead stench around the place, one that Coleman knows about immediately, a dead composing body.
A further examination of the flat exposes the culprit of the smell, an old man who has been drowned in his own bathtub with his hands and legs tied with vomit still on the top of the water.
He'd been dragged out of the bath and left to decompose.
"What a sick way to die," Coleman said.
But the blood and the dead body started to play games with Coleman's mind, he was slowly starting to edge back into his old ways again.
Soon enough he found himself with a knife, just stroking the dead body enough to leave marks.
"Don't slip back into your old ways. You're not that man any more Coleman. You're a good man now, just look at the good things you've done since you turned that dark corner," Steve, Coleman's Butler had arrived and tried to help Coleman.
It was Coleman's own idea to get equipped with a tracking device that only Steve knew about, and this was one of those situations when Coleman needed his help the most.
One finger had already been sliced off.
"Coleman, you didn't do it. A psychopath did it and you'll catch him Coleman, but you need to put the knife down, and you need to come home with me. We'll hide the body, no one will know about it, nobody will know about this."
Slowly Steve started to get through to Coleman, and the knife soon found its way to the floor where Coleman left it. He walked straight out of that flat, didn't say a word to steve and went home.
Steve got rid of the body and the knife too, he even cleaned the flat so no evidence of a death could be found.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Coleman's date with the shrink. ....
"I feel like I'm loosing myself again, like an uncontrollable flood that forces my hand to do the things."
"Maybe you should take a step back?"
"What good would that do?"
"It would give you time to reflect about the things that happened in the past."
"Don't bring him up!"
"Well maybe you have to face him to finally get rid of the torment in your life,"
"If I see him again, it'll be while I bury him alive."
"Okay, well, I can see your already getting upset over him, so we'll just go ahead and drop him."
"How about dinner? Tonight at my place, Steve makes a fine stew."
And this is how the session always ends, Coleman has the hots for her.
"Coleman. ... You know I can't date clients."
"it's just dinner, nothing else, I promise. Steve will be there the whole time."
"I'm sorry, I can't."
Coleman quickly grew restless and said goodbye and left the room. Steve was waiting outside for him in the car.
"Get dinner ready, we'll have a visitor tonight," Coleman said to Steve.
"She's coming tonight?"
"No, but when you call her and tell her I'm desperate, she'll come, she has to."
And Coleman was right, she'd have to come, he was her client and an important one too.
-//-//-//-//-//-//
"Dinner is served madam, bon appetite!" Steve bowed like a professional chef when he served Marie, Coleman's shrink.
"Thank you, it looks lovely," Marie said happily.
Steve then turned to Coleman to suggest he stay in the room while they eat but Coleman simply pointed his finger to the kitchen, meaning, "get lost."
Marie sat quietly at first, enjoying her food, Coleman didn't interupt until he thought she'd gotten half way through.
"Can I just say that you look lovely tonight," Coleman said, Marie clearly had made a huge impression on him.
Marie was used to this sort of attention but not normally from a guy like Coleman, this was new territory.
"Can we dance?" Coleman asked.
Marie didn't answer at first, trying to suggest they didn't dance but Coleman already had the music turned on.
Taking her hand gently in his, raising her from her seat, his hand around her waist, he showed his gentle side, loving and passionate.
She'd never danced before, not like this, it was kinda romantic, she was forgetting who Coleman was, but his grasp on her waist grew tighter as he pulled her in.
"Your hands getting tighter," Marie said quietly while looking into his eyes.
"I know, I'll relieve the pressure if you wish me to," Coleman gave her a choice.
"No, you don't have to," Marie said. She didn't want to upset him but she secretly like it. No man has ever tried to handle her this way before.
They both enjoyed each others company, Steve watched from the kitchen all the time, making sure Coleman stayed in control.
When the night was over and Marie was driven back home, Coleman started to feel a little empty inside, Marie meant an awful lot to him, "I'll never hurt you, you bring the balance back into my life and the dark days seem so far away when I'm with you."
It was like Coleman was a whole different man, from the one everybody knew him as.
Marie kissed him on the cheek and walked inside of her house and said goodnight.
And on that call Mr Coleman made his way to sit at the table.
"All looks delicious!" Mr Coleman said.
But one masterpiece was missing from the plate, that special something that Mr Coleman NEEDED to have.
A beating heart.
"Oh sorry Sir, it'll be right with you, it's not easy to make a beating heart Sir," Steve replied.
So Mr Coleman sat patiently until the heart arrived on his plate.
"Look at that! There's nothing better in the world than a fresh heart for dinner," Mr Coleman happily said to himself while Steve looked on as he always did.
"Tuck away Sir!"
Mr Coleman took his knife and fork and elegantly placed them in position to cut. He pressed hard and the blood squirted everywhere, all over him.
A sickening look came over his face, the moment all psychopaths have, when they draw blood. He has that look.
But there's one difference between Mr Coleman and any other psychopath.
His sick needs are met by the government, a deal he signed to become their detective, a psychopath detective to catch psychopaths.
He's clever, very clever. In fact. .. He's the best detective there is, period!
Every case he's took, he's solved and put them away for life.
Oh. .. and don't worry about the beating heart with the pouring blood. .
Its all fake.
Mr Coleman knows, it keeps his psychopath needs at bay.
For now at least.
-//--//--//--//--//
There's just been a murder and detective Brown is at the scene.
-//-//-//-//-//-//
"Don't touch anything, leave it like it is, this is what they bring HIM in for!" Detective Brown said in a jelous manner, "Knowing him he's probably done this himself!"
"You're not serious about calling for Coleman are you? He's a complete nutter, a psychopath!" Brown's colleague blurted.
(Brown is already on the phone but there's no answer)
"Damn it! Where is that psychopath when you need him? When you don't want one, they're everywhere!" Brown said.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-
Mr Coleman pulls up in his car and exits.
'//'//'//'//'//-//'//-//-//
"I hear you need the help of a phycopath?" Coleman joked as he walked closer to Brown.
"Smell the blood can you?" Brown joined in with sarcasm.
"No, it wasn't the blood that drew my attention, it was the scream that I heard," Coleman answered, meaning he was in the vicinity at the time.
"And why would you be in the exact same spot at exactly the same time she was murdered?" Brown asked.
"Because I was hungry?" Coleman said while pointing in the direction of the butchers across the road.
"I still don't trust you! Brown said while walking up close so he was face to face, "nobody trusts you, because you're a psychopath!" And then he walked off leaving the whole scene to Coleman.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Back at the Head Quarters....
"I don't like him.... ...I can't stand him, he's an insult to us all!" Detective Brown gets everything off his chest while talking to his boss.
"You don't have to like him, you just have to work with him," replied the commissioner.
"But that's the point, HE makes it impossible to work with him!" Brown shouted.
"I'm sorry Brown, but my hands are tied on this one, they want him on it and they get what they want," the commissioner had the final say and that was that.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Back at the scene of the murder. ...
The woman was cornered against a wall, blood splattered streaks could be seen drying at the bottom, a slightly darker red where the blood piled up.
A block of flats, with not a single person present.
Wouldn't you at least watch if you lived there? Coleman thought to himself as he looked up from a kneeling position.
From first glance at her body Coleman could see her jewellery wasn't missing, gold plated earrings and a necklace too. Her watch wasn't cheap either, so who ever did this didn't do it for money.
"Right up my alley!" Coleman said to himself. One psychopath on the trail of possibly another.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
"I told you to take care of it! Not to leave a bloody mess everywhere. Now the psyco is sniffing around."
"Don't you worry about him, I've got him under control, one mistake from him and I'll be all over it like a dog in a meat bowl."
Mysterious conversation ends.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Coleman searches for anyone who might have seen the crime, first point of call. .. The flats. ....
Walking around the front, Coleman notices the busy road jam packed with people, how is it that nobody heard apart from Coleman?
Coleman has cheeky look through each front bottom window, but there's nobody home.
"There must have been someone who heard something, must of been," Coleman thought.
One of the doors, the flat adjacent or closest to the wall where she was cornered, has what it appears to be a broken handle. Coleman easily turns it and opens the door fully open.
There's a dead stench around the place, one that Coleman knows about immediately, a dead composing body.
A further examination of the flat exposes the culprit of the smell, an old man who has been drowned in his own bathtub with his hands and legs tied with vomit still on the top of the water.
He'd been dragged out of the bath and left to decompose.
"What a sick way to die," Coleman said.
But the blood and the dead body started to play games with Coleman's mind, he was slowly starting to edge back into his old ways again.
Soon enough he found himself with a knife, just stroking the dead body enough to leave marks.
"Don't slip back into your old ways. You're not that man any more Coleman. You're a good man now, just look at the good things you've done since you turned that dark corner," Steve, Coleman's Butler had arrived and tried to help Coleman.
It was Coleman's own idea to get equipped with a tracking device that only Steve knew about, and this was one of those situations when Coleman needed his help the most.
One finger had already been sliced off.
"Coleman, you didn't do it. A psychopath did it and you'll catch him Coleman, but you need to put the knife down, and you need to come home with me. We'll hide the body, no one will know about it, nobody will know about this."
Slowly Steve started to get through to Coleman, and the knife soon found its way to the floor where Coleman left it. He walked straight out of that flat, didn't say a word to steve and went home.
Steve got rid of the body and the knife too, he even cleaned the flat so no evidence of a death could be found.
-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//
Coleman's date with the shrink. ....
"I feel like I'm loosing myself again, like an uncontrollable flood that forces my hand to do the things."
"Maybe you should take a step back?"
"What good would that do?"
"It would give you time to reflect about the things that happened in the past."
"Don't bring him up!"
"Well maybe you have to face him to finally get rid of the torment in your life,"
"If I see him again, it'll be while I bury him alive."
"Okay, well, I can see your already getting upset over him, so we'll just go ahead and drop him."
"How about dinner? Tonight at my place, Steve makes a fine stew."
And this is how the session always ends, Coleman has the hots for her.
"Coleman. ... You know I can't date clients."
"it's just dinner, nothing else, I promise. Steve will be there the whole time."
"I'm sorry, I can't."
Coleman quickly grew restless and said goodbye and left the room. Steve was waiting outside for him in the car.
"Get dinner ready, we'll have a visitor tonight," Coleman said to Steve.
"She's coming tonight?"
"No, but when you call her and tell her I'm desperate, she'll come, she has to."
And Coleman was right, she'd have to come, he was her client and an important one too.
-//-//-//-//-//-//
"Dinner is served madam, bon appetite!" Steve bowed like a professional chef when he served Marie, Coleman's shrink.
"Thank you, it looks lovely," Marie said happily.
Steve then turned to Coleman to suggest he stay in the room while they eat but Coleman simply pointed his finger to the kitchen, meaning, "get lost."
Marie sat quietly at first, enjoying her food, Coleman didn't interupt until he thought she'd gotten half way through.
"Can I just say that you look lovely tonight," Coleman said, Marie clearly had made a huge impression on him.
Marie was used to this sort of attention but not normally from a guy like Coleman, this was new territory.
"Can we dance?" Coleman asked.
Marie didn't answer at first, trying to suggest they didn't dance but Coleman already had the music turned on.
Taking her hand gently in his, raising her from her seat, his hand around her waist, he showed his gentle side, loving and passionate.
She'd never danced before, not like this, it was kinda romantic, she was forgetting who Coleman was, but his grasp on her waist grew tighter as he pulled her in.
"Your hands getting tighter," Marie said quietly while looking into his eyes.
"I know, I'll relieve the pressure if you wish me to," Coleman gave her a choice.
"No, you don't have to," Marie said. She didn't want to upset him but she secretly like it. No man has ever tried to handle her this way before.
They both enjoyed each others company, Steve watched from the kitchen all the time, making sure Coleman stayed in control.
When the night was over and Marie was driven back home, Coleman started to feel a little empty inside, Marie meant an awful lot to him, "I'll never hurt you, you bring the balance back into my life and the dark days seem so far away when I'm with you."
It was like Coleman was a whole different man, from the one everybody knew him as.
Marie kissed him on the cheek and walked inside of her house and said goodnight.
-
rachel_bruhn
- Posts: 290
- Joined: 03 Aug 2015, 08:04
- Currently Reading: A Dance with Dragons (A Song of Ice and Fire #1)
- Bookshelf Size: 101
- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-rachel-jacks.html
- Latest Review: The Sparrow by Denna M. Davis
- Publishing Contest Votes: 9
I think the concept is interesting: psychopathic man working for the government to find other psychopaths. I think the presentation needs a little work. There are multiple spelling errors in the work and I think the scenes could do with more detail. I'm not sure exactly what genre you are aiming for, but this has an almost comedic feel to it. With more time spent on planning and organizing and suggestions from experienced writers I think this could really turn into something.
Journey beyond the jacket.
Latest Review: The Sparrow by Denna M. Davis
-
Applepie
- Posts: 5
- Joined: 26 Dec 2015, 22:27
- Bookshelf Size: 0
I enjoyed this thuroughly! I think after some editing this would be a really good piece. the irony kills me!! *did I mention I love detective stories* Keep working!!
-
Cold_Case
- Posts: 5
- Joined: 17 Feb 2016, 01:20
- Bookshelf Size: 0
- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-cold-case.html
i enjoyed this story!
-
IyenaC
- Posts: 9
- Joined: 14 Aug 2015, 23:01
- Bookshelf Size: 1
- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-iyenac.html
Your story is nice. Who would have thought that the government hired a psychopath. They know that a psychopath is somehow dangerous. And it is good that you added some romance. If you polished this story, the outcome would be great. Add some thriller but do not switch directions. Don't let you water flow on other streams. 
-- 12 Mar 2016, 22:45 --
Oh. I thought review his story.
A short story idea... Think of something that you have never seen before but somehow possible in real life. Maybe you could make a short story with a character that is an murderer but now solving mysteries. Yet, still killing people from the government who massacred his or her whole family.
-- 12 Mar 2016, 22:45 --
Oh. I thought review his story.
A short story idea... Think of something that you have never seen before but somehow possible in real life. Maybe you could make a short story with a character that is an murderer but now solving mysteries. Yet, still killing people from the government who massacred his or her whole family.
-
Sonu bibayan
- Posts: 1
- Joined: 23 Mar 2016, 05:10
- Bookshelf Size: 0
Like the story , just need some interesting lines to make it attractive too
