Opening scene for a text adventure game
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Cold_Case
- Posts: 5
- Joined: 17 Feb 2016, 01:20
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- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-cold-case.html
Opening scene for a text adventure game
"He came from somewhere back in her long ago The sentimental fool don't see..."
You're singing softly along to the classic Doobie Brothers song and daydreaming about the weekend.
In another hour you will be on your way to Seaside, on the Oregon Coast to start your well deserved three day weekend with your best friend, Boyd Davis.
The two of you have been looking forward to the craps tournament being held at the Lucky Shores Casino. The casino has comped you both high roller rooms and free meals for your stay.
You grab the few case notes from the top of your desk and file them away in your file cabinet. A quick sync between your laptop and your cell phone eliminates the need to bring the computer with you. You can access your email and databases with your phone.
You go through the stack of mail your assistant, Angeline left on your desk and find a letter from a former client and a box of your new business cards.
A glance out the window from your 9th floor office along the shore along the Willamette River shows the traffic starting to backup along the waterfront.
Looking for feedback......
You're singing softly along to the classic Doobie Brothers song and daydreaming about the weekend.
In another hour you will be on your way to Seaside, on the Oregon Coast to start your well deserved three day weekend with your best friend, Boyd Davis.
The two of you have been looking forward to the craps tournament being held at the Lucky Shores Casino. The casino has comped you both high roller rooms and free meals for your stay.
You grab the few case notes from the top of your desk and file them away in your file cabinet. A quick sync between your laptop and your cell phone eliminates the need to bring the computer with you. You can access your email and databases with your phone.
You go through the stack of mail your assistant, Angeline left on your desk and find a letter from a former client and a box of your new business cards.
A glance out the window from your 9th floor office along the shore along the Willamette River shows the traffic starting to backup along the waterfront.
Looking for feedback......
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moderntimes
- Posts: 2249
- Joined: 15 Mar 2014, 13:03
- Favorite Book: Ulysses by James Joyce
- Currently Reading: Grendel by John Gardner
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Okay... a few typos and other things...
No period after "long ago" and should be "doesn't feel" unless you're quoting someone who's deliberately misspeaking and if it's connected to the Doobie Bros song, the connection should be better established.
Should have comma after Angeline.
A good start. A bit abrupt but that may just be your style. Good luck!
No period after "long ago" and should be "doesn't feel" unless you're quoting someone who's deliberately misspeaking and if it's connected to the Doobie Bros song, the connection should be better established.
Should have comma after Angeline.
A good start. A bit abrupt but that may just be your style. Good luck!
"Ineluctable modality of the visible..."
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Cold_Case
- Posts: 5
- Joined: 17 Feb 2016, 01:20
- Bookshelf Size: 0
- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-cold-case.html
Thank you. I appreciate your comments!
Michelle
Michelle
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Cold_Case
- Posts: 5
- Joined: 17 Feb 2016, 01:20
- Bookshelf Size: 0
- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-cold-case.html
Thank you. I appreciate your comments!
Michelle
Michelle
