BREAK FREE! When life calls…

[Mani_Vashist]

It was one of the brutally cold mornings in January when Kanika got up suddenly from a horrendous nightmare, she was breathing heavily and her throat was dry, she saw herself running in the dark to find light, but she couldn’t, which was similar to what was happening to her in real life. She wanted to cry her heart out but sobbed back to sleep. She got up again after a few hours when the alarm went off and felt relieved that it was time to get ready and leave the house.
Kanika entered the kitchen to start preparation for breakfast and lunch, greeted her mother-in-law with a morning ritual of touching her feet as she followed her in the kitchen. The first words that she heard were “Hey bhagwan! Bless her in the new year to become a mother, I don’t want to die without seeing my grandson”.
Kanika had forgotten that it was a new year, as there was nothing new, it was an old ritual now in this house to talk about how Kanika is unable to produce a child even after 4 years of marriage and was compared to all females who have given birth like goddesses to children every now and then. She used to get disturbed initially with these conversations, but now, she had stopped reacting.
Kanika was born and brought up in the small town of Haryana, a state infamous for the female feticide, where girls were not allowed to study beyond school and going for a job was unheard of. Kanika was a very bright student since childhood and owing to her academic record, she was allowed to go to college, with a condition that her education had to be in nearby town from where she could travel back home every day. Her mother had clearly instructed her on day one of college, that if her father finds out that she was talking to boys in college, she would be married the next day and all this bhoot of studies would be put to an end. She couldn’t dare to not follow her mother’s advice as she did not want to throw away her chance, she had seen all her cousins getting married immediately after school who ended up doing the household chores their entire life, this was the reality of rural India, even in 21st century.
Kanika wanted more from life and tried very hard to convince her parents to allow her to do further studies, her mother was strongly against it, but fortunately, her father agreed as she was getting a full scholarship in a decent government business school, but, with the condition that she would get married as soon as she completed her MBA and there would be no further exceptions. She agreed happily, as she wanted to live her life, at least for two years that were laying ahead of her. Kanika was amazed when she stepped out of her hometown for the first time and stayed in Delhi in the hostel; it felt like she had spent her first 20 years in a different world altogether.
Initially she felt inferior in the campus considering her background, but she knew this was her only opportunity to turn around and she worked hard as getting a job was her next secret dream, her transformation was evident from a small town shy girl to a confident business graduate. Her stars were in her favor and she landed a job from campus in Delhi itself. Kanika was overwhelmed with her own journey and was excited to start this new phase when her parents called her home urgently to discuss the suitable marriage proposal with her.
Prabhat, her husband, was also born and brought up in a nearby town, was a bookworm who went to had cracked one of the toughest exams to become an engineer from the top engineering college in India, he made a lot of money, with similar conservative family values. Prabhat was an average looking guy with a paunch and receding hairline in his late twenties, but he earned four times what Kanika would earn and hence this was the match made in heaven, announced her family, immediately after they all met for the first time. He also agreed that Kanika can work post marriage, which was a blessing given by him and his family, what else could she ask for? Prabhat was very quiet,did not speak much, which troubled Kanika whenever she tried to know him after their engagement. Kanika, on the other hand, had a vibrant personality, she often got compliments for her big eyes and a vivacious smile, fair and tall, she was beautiful. She was happy with how her life had turned out and was positive that Prabhat would open to her and they would enjoy their life together.
Kanika used to get disappointed when Prabhat did not show the affection and respect she had expected from her husband or any women would expect from her marriage. She tried hard to get closer to Prabhat, make him feel special on occasions and spark love in their relationship, but unfortunately, Prabhat did not nudge.Prabhat was indifferent to most of the emotions an ordinary human being would experience, he was always engrossed in work and came back home late on most of the days. Weekends were all about their family gatherings and relatives visiting and Kanika showcasing how good a daughter-in-law she is. All dreams and fantasies of the young 23-year-old newly-wed, had gone for a toss! In a few months into the marriage, she realized that Prabhat was not the right one for her, but she kept trying to make it better, after all, that’s what women are supposed to do.
One fine day, Prabhat suggested that they should plan a baby as his mother is looking forward to having a grandchild and she was told not to argue when she tried to convince Prabhat to wait for a while. This was the first time when he forced himself into her against her will and the first time when the thought of running away from this relationship. The firsts became regular, Prabhat kept doing his bit night after night, without caring for desire or consent and Kanika kept wondering how to run away from this torture. The storm within her kept growing each day.
Their routine was mundane, Kanika would do the household chores after coming from office and Prabhat would watch the news on TV with his mother or work on his laptop, they did not talk much, never called or texted each other during office hours. Prabhat never asked her about her work or her parents, two most important things in her life. They did not know each other, in a sense that partners must know, husband-wife was just a tag in their life, and it was becoming worse. To top that up, her mother-in-law was very rude to her and kept reminding her of how a woman has to sacrifice for her family, feed her family, take their lineage ahead and not become modern because she goes out of the house.
After more than 3 years of trying, and innumerous visits to gynecologists, the next step being discussed in the family was artificial insemination. Deep down her heart, Kanika was aware that she did not want to start a family with this man, and she felt relieved every month when she got her periods, thinking that the universe was with her. Whenever she mentioned to her mother that she was not happy, her mother would say that the solution to all marital problems was to produce a child.She admitted to herself, every day, that this was a pathetic state to be in, but she couldn’t gather the courage to speak up and escape from this imprisonment. She kept trying to be the woman that the world expected her to be, but it kept gnawing her inside.
Kanika left the house around 8 in the morning every day for work and today, she stood in front of the small temple in the house and prayed to her deity, to give her courage to get out to this mess, to give her some cues, to give her direction to take a step.
Office was a place where she found peace, opposite to most of the employees around and she was growing fast as compared to her peers because of the passion, which, she saved from her personal life and brought to work. People exchanged new year’s greetings that day in office and Kanika kept thinking about the happy in this happy new year, she kept wondering how long she would behave like nothing is wrong.
Kanika came back home in the evening to find the husband and the mother-in-law in a serious discussion at the dining area, she could sense that they were waiting for her to enter the house pass a judgement. She had not even kept her bag down before it was announced that it’s time to go for IVF treatment as they have waited enough.
At this moment, everything fell into place, this was it! She was clear that she did not want it, a lifetime with this man? No! She was so thankful to her stars that she did not get pregnant in this marriage else it would have been more difficult to think about breaking the shackles. She had to pursue her happiness and not be a sad wife and then disgusted mother for her entire life. She wanted a family, but not like this, not with a man who barely spoke to her but jumped on her like an animal every damn night.
She took a deep breath and said in a firm voice, “I don’t want a child”, she was louder than she expected and she continued, “In fact, I have also made a decision, I want a divorce!” Her eyes welled up with tears and her voice broke. Prabhat and his mother gave her looks of anger and disappointment but she continued, “These were four f****g meaningless years of my life, I must say, I must say this out loud, I was not happy for a single f****g day, I have faced utter disrespect in this house which often lead me to self -doubt, but no, I have no reason to have self-doubt. It was a waste.” she reiterated. She looked at her mother-in-law and said, “I am so happy today that I did not get pregnant, I am the happiest in a very long time today”. Then she turned to Prabhat and continued to talk while shivering, “You might be a good techie, a good son, but you are not a good husband, you never gave love or time that this relationship deserved. You never cared for me, you barely spoke to me, and you want me to have your child? How could you? How could you two decide everything for me? How dare you?” she sat down on the floor sobbing as her knees did not have the strength to keep standing amidst all this. No one stood up to hold Kanika, to comfort her, they were just looking at her with protruding eyes.
She gathered herself and got up, wiped her tears with her hands and rushed to the bedroom and started packing her clothes. Prabhat’s mother said it was good that she can get a fertile wife for her son. For the very first time, her mom in law spoke in her favor, at least once in 4 years before she left. Prabhat followed her to the bedroom and held her wrist tightly, “What do you think of yourself? You go out of the house does not mean that you can survive on your own, don’t overreact and go to the kitchen, it’s time to make dinner” he said with visible anger in his red eyes. Kanika looked at him, with disbelief, all he cared was that she should be in the kitchen. She had to put up a strong face, “leave my hand or I will call the police”, she roared. Prabhat’s expressions changed and he left her hand, went out of the room and did not say a word after that. After 10 minutes, her cab arrived, and she left the house with a suitcase in her hands. The house, which could never become her home.
She closed the door behind, with a promise to never turn back. Life was calling her to break free.

***
It isn’t easy to divorce in our society, even if you are convinced that you don’t need the other person as your life partner. Well, that’s not a reason enough it seems.
Saying that Kanika’s mother as furious when she told her about her leaving Prabhat, is an understatement. Her mother, who was always in favor of this match made in heaven, wanted her to leave everything else and come home to save her marriage first. Her father, as usual, was more understanding, though he also did not approve of divorce as it isn’t taken very well in our society and who will marry her again was the first thing that worried him. To her surprise, Prabhat’s mother also tried to make amends, apparently, she felt that Kanika should come back to her own house and she was being immature as small fights are a part of every marital relationship. Well, nobody talks about what else should be a part of this relationship.
But Kanika was firm in her head, she had experienced that moment, when she knew it wasn’t meant to be. She moved in to a rented accommodation in a nearby society where her work colleague and now best friend, stayed. Shreya was the only one who knew all minute details of Kanika’s suffering and she was the only one so far who was very proud of Kanika’s decision and stood by her.
Well, Kanika filed the divorce and formalities began amidst all the advices flowing in from relatives, ranging from a mediation meeting to filing a case of dowry against Prabhat and her mother. It’s bizarre to experience such vague suggestions from people who had met Kanika only at her marriage. Kanika visited her parents to explain that she was in a better place without that man, though it took multiple iterations and arguments, her parents also observed that the chirpiness in her voice was back and she was looking happier, they did not remember the last time they saw her like this, they had no choice now but to be with her, finally! She had already seen the worse at an age of 27 years and she knew she had her life waiting for her to make the most of it. She started working out and meditating to keep her sane, started reading at bedtime, which was a long lost dream. The memories from the past years would make her sad at times but she was thankful to the universe for letting her out. She focused on her wellbeing anf excelling at her work, and she was rewarded a promotion as a brand manager, a dream Her parents had already started the hunch for another suitable boy, but thanks to the divorcee tag that no matches could be made yet and Kanika couldn’t be happier about it, her quota of being with a man was over already and she did not need anyone to cherish her life now.
2 years later, Kanika met someone, someone who made her heart skip a beat, an emotion that she had forgotten. Kabir, that was him!
Kabir had joined as a consultant to lead one of the key marketing projects in the company and Kanika was also chosen to be a part of that small team owing to her great performance track. Kanika had seen him walk in to her boss’s cabin a couple of times already and ogled him from head to toe openly along with Shreya and remembered discussing it over a cup of chai that they didn’t know such perfect asses existed in real when both girls had giggled. She was shocked beyond words when she met him for the first time; he was introduced to the entire project team formally over dinner.
Their first handshake made her feel butterflies in her stomach, his firm hand felt so warm on hers in the crazy winter and he smiled at her generously. His intense eyes met hers for more than a few seconds and she quickly let her hand free realizing everyone may see her cheeks turn pink. These eyes were dangerous, they just hypnotized her, and so she tried to avoid eye contact for rest of the dinner. But she’d rather get prepared as there was no escape, it was a small team of 5 including him and they had to be together every single day for next three months.
The project work kick-started in full stream from day one as this ad campaign was crucial for business and this ravishing gentleman was brought to lead it rather than our internal team. Five of us were engrossed in some discussion or the other every time and entire team would be seated together in a small meeting room for most of the day.
Whenever she saw him, she felt a different rush of hormones in her body and the energy in the room would be damn charging. A toned fit body with right amount of muscles built, short and neat hair, intense eyes with a strong jaw line made the concept of a fairy tale prince look real. He usually wore buttoned down shirts to work with sleeves folded, which gave a glimpse of ink on his forearm. Kanika wondered if she can have a look at his arms without a shirt when her thoughts got interrupted by a question in the room. She excused herself and rushed out the meeting room to gulp some cold water, this wasn’t the usual sincere and hardworking Kanika, he was getting under her skin.
It was not her fault completely though, usually you find elderly, boring, married and bald men surrounding you at work, it’s not every day that you get to see such a hot guy in your meeting room standing next to you and stealing glimpses of you, praising you for your ideas and looking at you as if you’re a precious gem. She couldn’t resist but touched herself that night, thinking about him and how his short beard could touch her bare skin, despite her multiple reminders to her head that he is out of her league.
Nobody could imagine that stretched working hours could have been so much fun, just feeling his sheer presence when he would stand near her, or when he bends down a little to say something very close to her ear when she is sitting on the chair.
Kanika was on an all time high when her contribution to the project started to recognized and cherry on the cake - she started getting Kabir’s texts after work hours. Shreya, being a true friend, would jump from the couch to read the messages and encourage Kanika to be the badass flirt she could be. Kabir smartly started with some compliments on work done so far and then would get into knowing each other. He clearly wanted to know more about her and they couldn’t stop talking, once started.
He came from a progressive family in Mumbai, his dad happened to be a chief marketing officer in a fortune 500, his mom happened to own a interior designing studio in Mumbai and he lives in a luxury 3 BHK apartment alone on the golf course road. He himself was NYU graduate and a successful entrepreneur and Principal consultant of his own media agency already, at 30! And Kanika’s family, well, they would feel like a sheep herd to them, half of them are not even graduates and forget English, they won’t be able to talk in Hindi without a local accent. Kabir and Kanika came from different worlds which were poles apart. But Shreya insisted that if Kabir is up for it, then Kanika shouldn’t back out.
Days flew by and they got to know a little more about each other, they would grab all opportunities to talk, work and beyond. Kabir told her that he was spellbound with her from the very first sight. He landed it very cleverly that he is holding his horses to ask her out just because of professional boundaries, and once the project is over, she better says yes.
Kabir had acknowledged that he was born with a silver spoon and most of the people around him too. As Kanika shared more about her life with him, he could not help but appreciate her for her brevity, wit and honesty. She was self made in every sense, fighting her odds to reach at a point in career where she was clearly out rightly shining and taking some bold decisions in life could not have been easy. Her beautiful face radiated the glow of moonlight, ravishing big bold eyes that can talk to your soul, humble and self made, cherry on the cake were those right amount of curves for a man to dream of. He would often compliment her for all the things he found so enticing, it was a great deal for a girl who never felt loved.
But the most important one, her smile, Kabir wanted to see her smile more, he did not know why, but her smile made his heart dance!
Three months went in a jiffy and the media campaign was rolled out, the team celebrated the success together and parted ways with Kabir. He was offered another project but he declined respectfully mentioning personal reasons for not being able to commit. The rumors of what were the personal reasons were already spread like fire in office and yes, it truly was that he couldn’t wait to start seeing her, officially! Kanika agreed without hesitation, what can this result in anyways, at worst? A failed attempt, so be it, she had seen the worse and there was nothing to lose, so she jumped fearlessly, in an unknown sea.
Well, this was a different world for her altogether, where a man can make you feel so special- surprises, dates, dancing, walking on the streets at midnight with fingers entangled, and hot steamy love making, waking up next to him cuddled in his arms, this was more than what she could ever expect from a relationship. Now that the feelings were getting deeper, the fear of losing all of it also got its share, but just in time, Kabir proposed her for marriage.
Kabir was first time so sure about what he wanted in life – this deep connection and balance, the balance that this beautiful and strong minded girl brought into his life. Kabir has had his share of relationships and dating, which just couldn’t reach his heart the way it should have and none really lasted long, and here he was, worshipping everything about someone, he couldn’t have imagined that he will fall so fast and so bad for someone.
Kanika told Kabir everything about her past, her family, and her fear of not being able to become a mother, despite all the reports were normal always, the fact was that she did not conceive even after calendarized sex for years, worried her at times.
Kabir reciprocated with even more respect for her honesty, and he simply told her to no worry so much about the future, what mattered to him was their love and how they completed each other in every possible way. He assured her that he will take care of how the families meet, marriage ceremonies could be simple and planned for just close families, and he was open to the ideas of surrogacy and adoption in case needed.
Kanika could not say no to such a man, who was up for any and everything just to make her his own. It was time for wedding shenanigans!

***
2 years later…
Kanika wakes up to a warm kiss on her forehead as she opens her eyes just enough to see him smiling at her. “Happy New Year, love!” Kabir whispers in her ear and touches her baby bump gently, which has just started showing.
Kanika now knows what being happy means, she knows she is home. Life was calling her to live, every moment.