My daughter would like feedback

[Evelyne Kiper]

Hello all,

My 13-year-old is trying to write a book. She has asked me to get some feedback on her work so far. The story is not finished, nor has it been edited yet. Copying from the google docs file she is writing this in to this forum also took out some of the editing she did and added paragraph breaks in weird spaces.

She would just like some feedback on what she has written so far.

Thank you!


THE KING OF JUPITER
By Elizabeth Kiper

Chapter 1 The Beginning

“Earth is beautiful,” He said, walking through the green land.
“David!” exclaimed a voice, snapping him out of his daydream.
“What?” David answered rather irritated at having been drawn out of his musings.
“Are you even paying attention?” the voice said. David turned to look at the person who was speaking to him. He had red skin, red hair that is lighter at the top, and dark red eyes with little hints of gold near the pupil. The man was wearing a crown with some red rubies in it. The man sat down across from him and stared.
“Well, are you going to answer me?” the man asked in an angered tone.
“ Yes I was.” David said firmly.

“ Then what did I just say?” the stranger snapped back.
Knowing he had not been paying attention, he turned his head away from the man.
“You always do this.” he said “Can’t you just pay attention for one second?”.
David didn’t say anything, he just kept staring at the wall.
“You're a king, better yet, you are the king of Jupiter! You can’t keep doing this!” the man continued.
Everyone in the room groaned. “Well I don’t see you doing anything better.” called another voice. He stopped complaining to David and started to go off at the other voice. “Well I don’t sit there zoning out!” he said.
“Well unlike your people, the people of Jupiter aren’t struggling however, the people of Mars are.” said the voice. David turned to look in the direction the voice came from. It was the king of Uranus. He had turquoise skin and his hair color was just a shade darker than his skin with faint white lines. His eye color was of the lightest shade, almost translucent with darker spots of blue. Like everyone else in the room he had a crown, but instead the gems were turquoise.
“No, it's a struggle we all are facing here. Not just on Mars” said the king of Mars. As he argued with him,

David looked around the room. He knew it like the back of his hand, but somehow he had always found something new in the room. The room was right next to Mars while the main area where everyone was, was a few miles down. This room was for the kings and queens of each planet except Earth. Since the room was with the inner planets, it needed to withstand the sun’s solar storms and other stuff. With that in mind the walls and some glass walls were made to withstand the sun. Inside had barely any furnishings. There were pictures of the planets and a bookshelf of random books that no one read. In the middle was a circular table and some chairs where they sat. David found nothing interesting this time. He sighed and then looked back at the king of Mars, who was still talking. He had never liked the king of Mars, he was always so full of himself. David always thought that the name Colton belonged to a strong man, a friendly man, a caring man and much more, not to a selfish man who can’t run a kingdom.


Chapter 2 Promise to Earth

All of a sudden, the sound of papers being shuffled together stopped Colton from saying anything else. Everyone turned to see what was making the sound. It was the queen of Neptune gathering all of her things. Everyone took this as a sign that the meeting was ending and for them to do the same. They all gathered up their stuff, which was very little, and started to leave.
Outside the room was a walkway with a balcony. As everyone was leaving, David walked to the balcony to look at one planet in particular. Earth. The humans had never talked to the other planets and probably never will. He didn’t know why the queen of Earth didn’t want to talk to them. He always came up with various reasons in his head, but they would never know until confirmed by the queen of Earth. Even though they wanted to be isolated, it didn’t stop the others from sending letters to them and they never got them back. Lots of people thought they burned them. Some thought they found a new way to get rid of them or they kept them in a room but no one truly knows. He leaned against the railing, resting on the balustrade, to look at the planet. The blue and the

green together made a beautiful sight and the white swirling around it all and meeting at the top and bottom made it better. This planet always made his worries drift away to nothingness. He closed his eyes to think about what the humans looked like. Did they have tails, wings and claws or did they breathe under water? Did they fly high or did they run faster than anything in the galaxy? It was a mystery what they looked like and what they could do. David thought they might have blue and green skin to match the beautiful mix of colors their planet had. Maybe in a rare case some had white skin like the white that swirls around the Earth. He opened his eyes to look at Earth’s moon. It was special because there was only one, unlike the gas giants who had thousands of moons. David hoped the humans could see their only moon. On Jupiter the atmosphere was so dense that none of Jupiter’s moons could be seen from the surface. David made a promise to Earth when he was younger, and since he could not see Earth from Jupiter he renewed it here.
He closed his eyes and put his head down. He took a deep breath and said, “I promise that I will not let anything hurt you or your beautiful planet. I will protect it for as long as I live and I hope other kings will too. I will always be there when danger is threatening you and your planet. I will be your voice

here at these meetings until you decide to work with us.”
It wasn’t long, but it had profound meaning to him, so he didn’t care. He looked up and stared at Earth for a few minutes. All of a sudden Colton was clapping his hands.
“Well I guess I was right. Where else would I find you,” he said. David turned around quickly.
“What do you want?” He said firmly.
“I just wanted to remind you that you're wasting your time on a nonsense planet,” He said.
“To you, maybe, but not to me,” David replied, then turned to look at Earth. Colton stood next to him, trying to see what is so special about the planet.
“I will never understand you, or this planet.” Colton remarked.
“Can’t you see the beauty of Earth, and the wonders of sharing the solar system with the humans?” David asked.
“No, not really, they probably don’t even exist” Colton replied and David let out a sigh.
“You are so ignorant,” David muttered under his breath. “They do exist, Colton!” David yelled. “This is just wasting my time,” Colton stated as he started walking off.
David stood there until Colton left. “You give up so easily, not even one good argument before you left.”

David muttered under his breath. He paused and then continued muttering another thing under his breath.
He was hoping that Colton would have stepped down by now, but his hopes were in vain.
“This wasn’t the first time this happened and it probably wasn’t the last.” He said looking at Earth. His worries drifted away and he felt a peaceful feeling come over him, like a warm hug. He didn’t know why, but Earth felt more like home than Jupiter ever did. He wondered why, but never had an answer to his thought.

Chapter 3 The Calm before the Storm

He finally decided to go back to the main area. He started to walk there zoned out in thought. He kept walking, almost walking right past it. This room was for just the kings and queens. It had a long hallway to everyone's room. David walked to his room and went inside. The room had a bedroom where all the lights were off except a lamp with a blue light. There was a door with a bathroom inside, it was like a hotel room. David took off his crown and placed it near the table by the bed. He went inside the bathroom to change into something more appropriate for the night. He sat on the bed and from a shelf inside the table he pulled out a book. The book was a dark red color with a bright red small ribbon between some pages to mark his place.The ribbon and the book looked like something you would see in an old spell book from a movie.
David turned to where the ribbon was and started reading, hoping to clear his mind. He lost track of time, and finally noticed it was getting late so he put the red ribbon where he was at and put the dark red book on the shelf inside the table. He turned off the blue lamp and went to sleep.

He woke up the next day, he turned on the blue light and got ready. He went into the bathroom to change and came out looking more like a king instead of a sleepy mess . He took the crown off the table and put it on, ready to face the day ahead.
He came out of the building and started walking to the main area where all the people were. When he got there everyone was at their assigned places to enter, except for the people of Jupiter who were waiting for their king. The place was filled with tents and people from all corners of the seven planets. The kings and queens let their people put up their tents wherever they wanted but the people had sections of the place for each planet. On the left side, there was a huge building.
“Well what are we waiting for, let's go in our spots' ' He yelled so all the people could hear him. They did as they were told and got in their spot. Soon it was time to go inside. This was a feast for everyone. It was meant for the people to come together. Some of them made friends, or maybe fell in love. However, as this took place only once every few hundred years, they would likely not see each other again. The room was alway filled with chatter and this time was no exception. The children, who had a table all to themselves, were the loudest. Everyone was having fun at the feast.

“I wish the other planets were here” David thought. The people of Neptune and Uranus had to leave a day early because of how far away they were.
David looked around and saw all the other kings and queens talking to their people or guards. His people were talking to their friends or family, and his guards were emotionless. It was rooted into their heads by the first king of Jupiter that their only job is to protect Jupiter. To them it was actually very strange that the guards from other planets talk with people and not have an emotionless face. David sighed and continued eating.
“Are you ok, my king?” asked one of his guards. David paused for a moment. He didn’t know what to say.
“My king?” asked the guard again.
David finally said “ Yes, why do you ask?”.
“Well it looked like you were worried about something, I saw you breathing heavily.” His guard said. David was shocked that he noticed that subtle change. No one else had said anything. However he was worried about something. He knew Colton was up to something but David didn’t know what he was going to do to Earth or the humans.
He had tried to put it in the back of his mind but it had come back. Then he noticed that all his people looked worried.
“I'm fine. Tell the people I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about.” David said.
“Yes sir” the guard replied. That was the first time David heard uncertainty in the guard’s voice. The word got around to the people of Jupiter and they all looked uneasy with what they heard but carried on. None of the other kings and queens heard nor cared. Some of the people from other planets noticed the change of mood from the people of Jupiter but didn’t question it. Out of the corner of his eye he could see his guards trying to keep an emotionless face but they had an uneasy look about them as well. Even though he could not see their eyes because of their uniform, he could feel it was affecting them.
He looked around at the queen of Saturn, she was more of a light tan color and her eyes a mix of different colors like her planet. Legend says that the first queen of Saturn’s eyes changed color. He smiled at the tale in his mind. As a kid he was disappointed to find out it was not real. Her hair was tan and had lines going around it like the rings of Saturn. He looked at the king of Mercury who had gray skin and eyes that mimicked the dark side of Mercury. He had gray hair that had brown spots just like Mercury. Then he looked at the queen of Venus with orange skin and eyes yellow with the edges fading into orange. She also had orange hair with yellow spots, just like Venus had. They weren’t worried about anything right now. He looked at the people of Mars, they looked miserable. With all that is happening to their planet he would be too. David looked at Colton for a second. He wasn’t eating, and completely lost in thought. In his mind he felt his breath getting faster and faster like he was gasping for air. On the outside he just breathed slightly faster. He tried to calm himself down but it wasn’t working.
“My king, I think we should start heading back to Jupiter,” his guard said.
“Why should we? Let the people enjoy their feast.“ David replied.
“The people are worried and you seem to be worried as well,” said his guard. “They are trying to enjoy themselves and keep up pretenses, but they won’t be able to keep the others from noticing for long. “What? No, I'm not worried at all.” David said. He knew that his guard could tell that he was trying to cover it up.
“None of the other planets notice it for now” David said.
“Well they could soon,” His guard replied.
“Fine, tell the people to finish and start heading out,” David said.


Chapter 4 The Argument

Before his guard could reply they noticed that all the other kings and queens were looking at them. “David, are you all right?” asked the queen of Saturn. David shuffled his mind for some explanation to give.
“Come on, it's not that hard to say something,” Colton said in a loud voice. “ I, um, well,” David stuttered.
Colton got up from his seat and started to walk closer to David, who got up as well.
“You know, David, this shows that you're not fit to run a planet,” Colton started.
“Neither are you,” David said, cutting Colton off. “Are you saying that I don't know how to run a kingdom?” Colton questioned.
“If that's what you're getting at, then yes, I am,” David said in a firm tone.
“You know Jupiter doesn't deserve a king like you,” Colton argued back.
“Mars would do better with a queen than you.” stated David.
There was a long pause as everyone took in what David said to Colton.
“What did you just say to me?” Colton said.

“Mars would be better off with a Queen than with you,” David stated again.
Soon they were in an all out argument. Colton took a step forward and from the corner of David’s eyes he could see his guards had their swords ready incase Colton tried to hurt him. He noticed that Colton's guards had their swords at the ready too.
This argument was more intense and seemed to have everyone staring in disbelief.
“Are you so worried that I will do something to Earth?” Colton yelled.
“Oh please you don’t understand what Earth has,” David yelled back.
“How are you so sure that humans exist,” Colton said. “And how are you so sure that they don’t?” David said. The argument was confusing to say the least.
One moment He had Colton backed into a corner in the argument, the next, He was backed into a corner. David didn’t know when it would stop. He didn’t care who won at this point. He was about to admit that Colton was right until all of a sudden he heard “I declare war on Jupiter!”.
The shouting stopped and everyone was silent taking in what Colton just said. Soon all the kids were crying. He guessed one of the older kids told them what war meant.

David stood there and froze and didn’t know what to say.
“Are you out of your mind?” one of the guards shouted as they walked back to Jupiter. The emotionless guards had broken character but that was the least of his worries.
“What else could I do? He declared war,” David said firmly. The people of Jupiter were crying, they didn’t want their dads, husbands and sons to die on the battlefield. A newly wedded couple was crying in each other's arms.
“You're going to have your people die for some planet we never even interact with!” yelled the guard. “Again, I can’t just refuse war.” David said. “That did not answer my question.” the guard said. “I'm your king and you do what I tell you to and right now I'm telling you to stop arguing about this.” David said.
The guard went silent.
“Sir, Jupiter’s atmosphere is too thick so the martians can’t get us, right?” said a woman, hoping that's the case.
“Trust me the martians always find a way, so don’t get your hopes up that Jupiter will protect us.” David said. The crowd just cried even more.

“You're sure that you have a plan to stop Colton?” asked the guard.
“Of course I do,” David replied. Deep down however he was scrambling to make one. He had no idea that Colton was going to declare war on Jupiter. David hoped that maybe Colton would rethink this, but that was a slim chance of it actually happening. He didn’t want to have his people killed but what could he do? If Jupiter loses this war, then David could be taken as a prisoner of war. Jupiter had to win this, but how would they win this war? His people were crying and screaming, some were afraid and David was trying to find a plan to win this, and one of his guards had to place his trust in David having a plan. Colton probably already has the Martians getting the supplies to destroy Jupiter. Everyone was either silent or crying while David was thinking of a plan all the way back to Jupiter.


Chapter 5 Making decisions

They finally reached Jupiter and everyone went into the planet’s windy atmosphere. All of Jupiter's people went to their homes to spend time with their loved ones before they were possibly going to die. While David went back to the castle. Jupiter didn’t have a solid core to stand on, so there were floating pieces of rocks that they stood on. The guards stood in their positions before they would recruit people to go to war. David entered the castle and walked down a long hallway with many doors to different rooms.
The hallway had lots of pictures of all the past rulers of Jupiter. He went into a room which had a desk and some other items in it. He sat in the chair and his head down onto his folded arms. He had no plan for the war but he couldn't let his people down. All of a sudden there was a knock on the door.
“Sir, can I come in,” Said a voice. David knew that voice came from a young guard who had recently joined his staff.
“Yes, you may,” he said. He quickly got a pen and paper and pretended that he was writing down a plan. The guard came in with an emotionless expression. “I have a plan if you would like to listen to it,” He said.

“Of course,” David replied. “May I use this sir?” he said, taking the blank paper David had laying in front of him.
“Yes, you may,” David replied. The guard picked up a pen and started to jot down his idea. “Well, I know the Martians think that because of Jupiter’s windy atmosphere, their rockets can’t go through, so they think we are going to do a ground invasion.”
David interrupted him “How do you know that they're thinking we are going to do a ground invasion?”
“I’m not certain but I think that if we send a scout, we can find out,” He replied.
“Ok, carry on,” David said.
“How about we build rockets to withstand Jupiter’s atmosphere and attack Mars?” The guard finished. “So a bomb, right?” David asked.
“Basically, yes.” The guard said
“You could have just said bomb,” David continued. “So we are just going to bomb Mars if my understanding is correct?”
“Well, not really, think of it as we bomb Mars and when they're weak, we go for a ground invasion and take Colton as a prisoner of war.” Said the guard.
David thought it was a good idea but it seemed too simple. “Sure,” he said. “But I still want a scout to make sure this will work.”

“Yes sir, thank you sir.” He walked out of the room. David was left alone with his thoughts. “Was that the right decision?” He said in a quiet voice. Maybe this was the way to win this war. It may not be the best plan, but at least it was A plan…
A few days later a scout was on his way. Everyone was hoping that they wouldn't get caught. David was up in the castle. He had his people get the supplies to build the rocket bombs, but didn’t start on them, waiting for the intelligence the scout would bring back. If Colton knew that they were planning to bomb Mars then there would be no point in doing it. He wasn’t confident that Jupiter would win. In the meantime, David was training up his armies to hopefully defeat Colton and his armies.
David was all alone in one of the giant hallways. “Why did I argue with him?” He said out loud in a doubting tone. David was questioning if this was the right decision. A voice in the back of his mind was telling him this was wrong and to admit defeat, but there was another voice telling him that this was the right thing to do. The two voices were at war with each other, causing a feeling of indecisiveness to wash over him. As much as his brain wanted to listen to the one telling him to stop but he never could. The other part of his mind wouldn’t listen to that voice and listen to the other one. All the emotions he was feeling in his

mind were exhausting. It all felt like a never ending nightmare.
“My king,” Said a guard running into the hallway, out of breath from his haste in reaching the king.
“What is it?” David asked, turning his head around to look at him.
“The scout was caught and we don’t know if they gave up any information about our plan,” The guard said in a panicked voice.
David was flooded with panic but all he heard himself say was “Oh well I hope our scout stays strong and we're going to need a different plan,”. David couldn’t believe that what he just said was true.
“But sir,” the guard trailed off as David interrupted him.
“Trust me I got this. All we need to do is hope our scout stays strong.”. David walked away into a small random room. He closed the door and started to wonder why he was so calm. It made no sense on why that happened. After composing himself he walked out of the room. The guard was not there anymore. He felt an eerie feeling. David went down some stairs and was about to walk out of the main gate when something told him not to. He decided to walk out the back entrance. As he was walking he noticed a sword; it was one of the less durable ones. They were made out of a new material that they thought was better but

it turned out to be weaker. He took it with him just in case. You never know when it might come in handy…

Chapter 6 Attack on Jupiter

He walked out and felt someone grabbing his arm. Reflexively he swung the sword at them. The sword cashed into the armor of the person but didn’t hit them. He turned around and saw it wasn’t one of his guards but rather one of Colton’s guards.
“This was easier than what I expected.” said the martian guard. Even though David was taller than 3 martians combined, he wasn’t wearing any armor so the martians still had an advantage. Another martian came and grabbed his right arm. David struggled for a bit as they tried to drag him away. He thought that Colton would enforce the parts most likely to be hit.
The back of the legs was one of the last places an enemy would hit. With that in mind David used his wrist to swing his sword into the back of the martians on his right spraining his wrist in the process. As the sword hit the back of his leg the martin let go and fell to the ground in pain. David now had a free arm to hit the other martian but it would damage his wrist more. He thought that he could live with a sprained or broken wrist. He quickly did the same thing to the other martian on his left. The other martian fell to the ground as well as his sword that was now bent. David picked up his sword on the other hand and ran as fast

as he could to try to get away from the martians. Soon after running for a bit he saw a cave with no more than eight people in it. It was a cave made out of extra material from when the floating cities were built.
He ran to the cave even though they could be the enemy. As he got closer to the cave he realized that it was some of the people of Jupiter. Once he got to the cave the people turned to look at him.
“My king what happened?” one of them asked. He looked up and saw some medics and guards.
“I was almost dragged away by Coltons guards, '' David replied.
"What happened to your arms?” pointed out one of his guards.
David looked down at his arms. They were bruised thanks to the armor the martians were wearing rubbing against his skin. The left was a lot more bruised than the right, there were even some cuts. One of the medics ran over and started to treat his wounds. “I got into a tussle with two of Colton’s guards.”
The medic who was treating his cuts grabbed his arm but made sure she wasn't pressing down on the bruised areas. He was still in some pain but it didn’t really matter. “Well we got someone back.” said one of the guards. He moved to reveal the scout that they had sent. He looked as if he already fought the war. His face had bandages all

over it, he was also wearing an eyepatch to cover one eye. All over his body were bruised, cut and bandaged to the best of their abilities without being in a hospital. His left arm was in a sling and the rest was bruised and cut all over. Some cuts were bigger than others but it all looked painful.
“What happened?” David said in a state of shock.
“Well they found me and already knew the plan so finding me meant that you already wanted to follow that plan. So they tossed me into a cell."
That was all the scout could say before David jumped in. “I knew that it was too simple!” He yelled while also moving his arm away from the medic that was bandaging it. She grabbed it again carefully and continued disinfecting it and bandaging it up. He continued “I heard him joke about blowing up Earth after this war to make you mad”.
“I don’t care if it was a joke or not, it's not funny to destroy someone’s home!” David yelled back pulling his arm away for the medic again. She was more annoyed this time, but carefully grabbed his arm and continued trying to bandage it up.
“Well I decided that I should leave, so I ran for it and tried to get back here. It worked but Colton was already here.
And well, I got back with many injuries from his guards.” he finished. David, who was enraged at this point, was

about to say something. He moved his arm before saying it. Just then the medic grabbed his arm not caring if she was pressing on some bruised spots. “Stop moving your arm away!” She yelled then went on the bandage up the last of his cuts.
David complied and didn’t say anything. They all sat in silence until the medic finished and walked away from David.
A guard looked out the cave’s entrance and a terrified look washed over him. “Colton's guards are coming this way” he yelled. Everyone got behind the cave walls. “Great, just what we needed to hide behind, some cave walls that can barely cover us” David thought.
“Hey there is a cave over here” one of Coltons guards yelled out to the rest. “And?” one guard replied. “Well we should mark it for when we need shelter or there could be people in it”. “From what I know, this is the edge before you fall off. I don’t think we need to do that”.
He turned to face the others. “Come on, let's go back”. They all started to run back.
“Well at least they didn’t go in,” David thought.
“Sir we can’t be here anymore”. Said one of the guards “You're right, we may not be so lucky next time“. David replied. “We're going to have to leave”.
“Here my king“. The guard tosses a sword to him. David tried to catch it with his left hand. By now the wrist was

throbbing in pain. He caught it and was washed over with a sense of pain. He dropped it immediately and his wrist fell to his side as well.
“My king what happened?” the medic questioned in a concerned voice.
“While I was trying to get away from Colton’s guards I sprained my wrist” David answers. The medic looked disappointed but she had dealt with worse cases. She went to her bag and grabbed the materials to make a splint. She grabbed his arm and put it on some metal piece to keep it supported. On top of the metal was some foam to keep the skin from burning on it. She wrapped it up with some bandages and was done.
“Don’t get it wet and don’t put too much pressure on it or you might break it” She said.
“That would make two of us,” someone called out. David looked to who said that. It was one of the guards that were in that cave.
He was tan with yellow eyes that had gold at the bottom. His hair was like a fluffy mullet with messy bangs. The color was a fire orange that faded into yellow at the ends. “Hello King David, I'm Narrow,” he said. One guard chuckled at the name. Narrow responded by elbowing them. The medic turned to face Narrow. “I said you should be careful because you're reckless and you're

probably going to break your arm anyways“ Said the medic, annoyed he even spoke.
“Sure,” Narrow replied. Walking over to her and grabbing her right arm.
“Let go or I will kill you!” She threatened. “I will gladly let you kill me,” He said smiling.
She slapped him and walked off. David was expecting him to be mad but he just smiled. His smile faded as he turned to David. “So I guess a great king like you needs protecting now.” Narrow said. “No, I can swing a sword with my other hand,” David responded. “Problem solved!” Narrow exclaimed. Everyone gathered up stuff they might need and went on their way.

Chapter 7 Fighting Back

They got to the edge of the kingdom a few hours later. “Wouldn't it be nice to be able to run faster and get her in a few minutes?” Said one guard gasping for air in between words. They were all out of breath from running so far. When the floating island was made, they had underestimated how much to build. They ended up making it a lot longer than anticipated.
“Well now what do we do?” asked another guard. “Take a second to breathe!” Narrow yelled. For a minute they tried to catch their breath. After that they all debated what to

do next. They agreed on sneaking through the large kingdom just in case Colton left some guards there to catch David. They walk behind many houses. “And go.” said a guard acting as if he was in a movie. “Stop doing that, all you need to do is walk faster when there is no house blocking you Tom.” Narrow said to him. “That's not even my name!” He yelled. “Shush you two,” Said the medic. As they argued quietly, David kept walking behind houses. “Hello my king.” said a voice beside him. He turned to see a woman there, she was dressed in guard armor.