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The girl stands straight and tall, her chin held high in the air - a defiant and proud posture. Until the force of the blow causes her to bend double. And another brings her to her knees. The guards surrounding the girl laugh, mocking her, beating her down again and again, all for the amusement of the captain. And each time, the girl gets back up.

It makes me sick, these men enjoying the torture of the late General’s daughter, but for appearance’s sake I mustn't turn my eyes away; it would be considered a sign of weakness. But neither do I smile, as the other guards do. Instead, I stare hard at the girl, begging her with my eyes: do not get up, do not get up, do not get up… She seems incapable of reading my thoughts, however, as she once again rises to her feet, her bruised and bloody body not allowing her to stand as tall as she once had. Her chin comes back up, and for one second she lifts her eyes to mine, where I’m standing behind her tormentors. My face remains impassive, but I feel the jolt of her gaze nonetheless.

The expression she wears is one that I will never forget. Her eyes are a startling fiery blue, lit with rebellion. It is not a look that I would expect from a young orphan girl; crying, pleading, begging - anything but this defiance. Her lips suddenly turn back into a snarling smile, and her eyes flick away from me to the guard in front of her. I somehow manage to keep the surprise from my face when a spray of bloody spit hits the man directly in the eyes, an act that gets the girl a rewarding slap in the face.

A brave and stupid girl, she is.

Quit it, I yell at her in my head, remove the fire from your eyes and allow them to leave you in peace, forgodsake. But she does not listen.

The beating lasts another agonizing hour, until she can no longer stand proudly. By the time they’re finished with her, the girl is nothing but a lump of skin and bones and blood and bruises. Limp and lifeless on the floor, her blood pooling around her and running away toward the drain in the ground.

***

For just a moment, I rest my face against the cold, hard ground, trying to catch a moment’s reprieve. Just one. Just one second to catch my breath and push past the pain. My body feels like one giant, throbbing bruise; not one inch of me has been spared their ministrations. Blood is everywhere, running down my face and clouding my vision until all I can see is red. It pools beneath me, and leaks from my skin like water from a sieve.

And whose blood is it, Milaya? Whose blood runs in your veins?

With that thought echoing in my head, I make a promise to myself. By the time I’m finished with these bastards, they will have no doubt where I come from. My father was the most feared and respected soldier on any battlefield at any given time. Able to slice through his enemies with a strength and brutality that inspired awe in the men under his command, the General was not a man you’d want as an enemy. And his daughter will be no different. This, I swear.

Get up, Laya. You’re tougher than this.

With effort, I push myself up to a sitting position, the manacles on my hands and feet making it that much more difficult. From somewhere seemingly far away, I make out the sounds of laughter, until a deep, commanding voice cuts through the melee like a knife.

“Finish it.”

"Finish what? I panic. Finish me?? After all this, they’re gonna kill me and toss me out like a rotten piece of meat that no longer serves its purpose...

I have no time to do anything but brace myself. Before I even see it coming, a well-placed kick connects with my skull, and I collapse onto the ground once more. Only this time, everything fades away and I’m greeted with a dark, blessed blackness.

I'm intrigued. For me, I liked the way you described the silent defiance and the outright defiance of the two. This is something I feel I would read as a whole story. I actually felt a pang when I read the end. I was way too into it.

This was an exceptionally well-written piece in my opinion. I see you are new here? I would certainly like to read more of your work.

I have one slight criticism, and PLEASE do not take this too seriously because the story still works quite well as it is written, but at the ending it is suggested that possibly a dead person is telling us the story ("finish it"), which, if this is what you mean to say, seems sort of illogical. Of course the end is a little bit ambiguous. It is not definite that Laya dies. So maybe I am wrong. I have seen this (dead person telling story) done numerous times and it always sort of detracts from the story, but this is only MY opinion, this does not mean that your ending, IF this is what you meant to say, is wrong in any way.

One way this could be overcome, perhaps, is to have the story told by one of the guards - a young guard who is not bloodthirsty and is sympathetic to what is happening to the girl. In fact, at first I thought it WAS a guard ("neither do I smile, as the other guards do") If he IS a guard it would add a whole new dimension to the story because it would be his interpretation of what he sees in the girl. It would also add a whole new list of things which might make the story even more interesting; for example, she still smiles at him, but is it out of defiance or is it because she recognizes sympathy in his eyes? ... this could be left as the story's last, burning question. If the story had been done this way I might have titled it The Smile.

One thing that left me quite intrigued was the fact that in the beginning I was convinced that he WAS a guard and at the end he is being beaten to death ... if he was a guard it suggests that he cracked and did or said something which betrayed his sympathy for the girl and was now being given the same fate as the girl as a punishment. This would also make for a fascinating ending, but there is not enough information provided for the reader to definitively come to this conclusion.

A very good job however!!! Well done!!!

You see, this is what I love about writing. The writer is like an artist and his palette of colors is comprised of words. By altering the color or the textures he can turn night to day, spring to winter, sadness to euphoria. It is an awesome, god-like power!

TaaraLynn wrote: ↑22 Jun 2018, 12:27 I'm intrigued. For me, I liked the way you described the silent defiance and the outright defiance of the two. This is something I feel I would read as a whole story. I actually felt a pang when I read the end. I was way too into it.

Thanks for your comment! I know it probably doesn't make much sense and seems rather brutal, but I have a whole story revolved around it in my head. I just haven't figured out how to write the rest yet

DATo wrote: ↑23 Jun 2018, 02:36 This was an exceptionally well-written piece in my opinion. I see you are new here? I would certainly like to read more of your work.

I have one slight criticism, and PLEASE do not take this too seriously because the story still works quite well as it is written, but at the ending it is suggested that possibly a dead person is telling us the story ("finish it"), which, if this is what you mean to say, seems sort of illogical. Of course the end is a little bit ambiguous. It is not definite that Laya dies. So maybe I am wrong. I have seen this (dead person telling story) done numerous times and it always sort of detracts from the story, but this is only MY opinion, this does not mean that your ending, IF this is what you meant to say, is wrong in any way.

One way this could be overcome, perhaps, is to have the story told by one of the guards - a young guard who is not bloodthirsty and is sympathetic to what is happening to the girl. In fact, at first I thought it WAS a guard ("neither do I smile, as the other guards do") If he IS a guard it would add a whole new dimension to the story because it would be his interpretation of what he sees in the girl. It would also add a whole new list of things which might make the story even more interesting; for example, she still smiles at him, but is it out of defiance or is it because she recognizes sympathy in his eyes? ... this could be left as the story's last, burning question. If the story had been done this way I might have titled it The Smile.

One thing that left me quite intrigued was the fact that in the beginning I was convinced that he WAS a guard and at the end he is being beaten to death ... if he was a guard it suggests that he cracked and did or said something which betrayed his sympathy for the girl and was now being given the same fate as the girl as a punishment. This would also make for a fascinating ending, but there is not enough information provided for the reader to definitively come to this conclusion.

A very good job however!!! Well done!!!

You see, this is what I love about writing. The writer is like an artist and his palette of colors is comprised of words. By altering the color or the textures he can turn night to day, spring to winter, sadness to euphoria. It is an awesome, god-like power!

I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. Sorry for the confusion, though. What I meant was for the first part to be written from the soldier's point of view (yes, he is a guard), and the second portion was from the girl's point of view.

It also wasn't my intention for the girl to die at the end. "Finish it," was meant to mean "finish the beating", and the girl was simply knocked unconscious. If there is more to her story, I certainly wouldn't want her to be telling it from beyond the land of the living. But feel free to interpret it however you wish!

Bonnie Shelby wrote: ↑23 Jun 2018, 13:16

I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. Sorry for the confusion, though. What I meant was for the first part to be written from the soldier's point of view (yes, he is a guard), and the second portion was from the girl's point of view.

It also wasn't my intention for the girl to die at the end. "Finish it," was meant to mean "finish the beating", and the girl was simply knocked unconscious. If there is more to her story, I certainly wouldn't want her to be telling it from beyond the land of the living. But feel free to interpret it however you wish!

Ahhh .... that sheds a new light on things. After rereading the story with your explanation it made total sense. The fault was mine, not yours. I suppose I read it too superficially and too quickly. Thanks so much for your elaboration.

[:- )

Wow!! The imagery and emotion in this story is amazing! Please tell me there's more...? I'm hooked!

ccranston wrote: ↑05 Jul 2018, 19:54 Wow!! The imagery and emotion in this story is amazing! Please tell me there's more...? I'm hooked!

We shall see Thanks so much for your feedback!!

Yep, your writing hooked me too. My brain asks for more. I told it that it was only reading a story... well, some half of it, at least.

It didn't believe me.

Artifacs wrote: ↑15 Jul 2018, 11:26 Yep, your writing hooked me too. My brain asks for more. I told it that it was only reading a story... well, some half of it, at least.

It didn't believe me.

Haha, thanks so much! I enjoy writing, but I'm never sure if it's complete crap. The first time I reread my stuff, I think I'm a genius. The second time, I'm convinced I'm a complete idiot - so I appreciate your comment. If I could, I'd write a book to finish the story, but I'm not sure that's gonna happen.