OnlineBookClub.org

hey kid, what are you doing down there all alone?
you're facedown and bloodshot
you pale corpse of a girl
the neons don't sunkiss your skin none
and I've never seen anyone so lonely on the floor
I'd join you but a bathtub of hot young bodies is callin' me back for more
you tile floor devil, I'll try to let you haunt me,
... how you were cold to the touch, how an hour ago red neons kissed rosy cheeks,
like the cheek of the other girl who drank too much
pressed up on me here now
and her breath and the water can't break your cold spell.
almost got me shiverin' but the water's nice.
come on in
come on in
come on in dead girl come on in
I ignored your corpse and I'll ignore your lack of heat
come on on me dead girl
come on in
the water's fine
the floor's never swam so much till now.
you're practically drowning but the others can't see you out there...
on the floor
and they're too sated to care
anyway, sorry I left you down there
but there's life in here and I'm too scared to care.

Okay first of all - i love, love the writing voice. I want to read a book inspired by this, just saying.
I think my only critiques would be nitpicky ones - one, the second mention of neon ("red neons") i feel could be replaced by something like "burning reds" or another word to make that less repetitive. Two, kinda just preference of mine to make it flow better in my own opinion - maybe after "out there...," you could take out the rest until the last two lines to make it more to-the-point, changing the last "down there" to "on the floor" like you had written before.
Your imagery is super strong and i love the sense of story and drama that i get from it.