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Undomniel and Tinuviel

Posted: 20 Jun 2020, 11:50
by Samwisekoop
Tinuviel, oh Elven fair,
With jewels of starlight in her hair
From dancing feet on shining lawn
To her smile as the rising dawn.
Tinuviel, oh shining star,
I have come from land afar
I've walked many roads, through empty dales
At sight of you all weakness quails.
Tinuviel, oh singing lark,
Even in the growing dark
You are seen by moon-lit beam
In the light, your crown of stars gleams.
Tinuviel, oh love I have lost,
Your tender heart comes at such a cost.

Undomniel, oh Star of Light,
Your eyes hold the candles of the night
Your hair flies in the whispers of wind
Your loving life I will always defend.
Undomneil, oh Elven fair,
You are my light in darkest lair.
I traveled paths that take my wandering feet
To paths where I pray ours will meet.
Undomniel, oh Evenstar,
I feel your love from afar
I feel your tender touch when I fear I've met my end
I feel your healing hand, my tearing heart it mends.
Undomniel, oh love I have lost,
Your tender heart comes at such a cost.

Re: Undomniel and Tinuviel

Posted: 20 Jun 2020, 11:51
by Samwisekoop
Does this work? I've tossed and turned on the question of whether or not I think its good. Any suggestions on how to improve it?

Re: Undomniel and Tinuviel

Posted: 20 Jun 2020, 20:18
by ReyvrexQuestor Reyes
Samwisekoop wrote: 20 Jun 2020, 11:51 Does this work? I've tossed and turned on the question of whether or not I think its good. Any suggestions on how to improve it?
This is amazing enough, although your repeating lines hints that you seem to go along the format of a "villanelle" which is also one poetic form.

Re: Undomniel and Tinuviel

Posted: 21 Jun 2020, 13:33
by Samwisekoop
ReyvrexQuestor Reyes wrote: 20 Jun 2020, 20:18
Samwisekoop wrote: 20 Jun 2020, 11:51 Does this work? I've tossed and turned on the question of whether or not I think its good. Any suggestions on how to improve it?
This is amazing enough, although your repeating lines hints that you seem to go along the format of a "villanelle" which is also one poetic form.
Okay, thanks! So, nothing I might want to change?