Sin

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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oddlyexceptional
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Sin

Post by oddlyexceptional »

My mind is entrapped by your sinister smile
your poison on drip, I am in denial
running from you is impossible, you won't let me leave
why must you make me sit here and believe?
Believe that when I listen to you I feel great
when in reality all I feel is hate.
You consume me, tearing me apart limb by limb
letting me suffer while you grin.
I try to fight you, but you always win.
They can't see it with their eyes or read it on a page
but soon your terror they will have to face.
why must you have no compassion or will?
Instead all you want to do is steal.
steal my heart right out of my chest.
I become another person, with you I'm possessed.
and with that sinister smile you'll always progress
while you steer the real me with shackles and beat me to death.
Death now in my eyes like no one is left.
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AyeshaDewan
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Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-ayeshadewan.html

Post by AyeshaDewan »

This is an amazing poem with beautiful word choice and excellent imagery. There is something though that stood out to me. Your rhyming starts off strong but gets weaker as the poem progresses, which makes the overall unity of the poem suffer. If you keep it consistent, I think it would be better. Personally, I like the ending more so I think near the beginning, if you made your rhymes weaker and focused more on powerful words, you'd both make the poem more consistent and add to the meaning.
Vnsikes
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Post by Vnsikes »

I can totally see the part starting with I become another person all the way to the end of the poem being used for a chorus or a verse in a kicking song!
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emclure98
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Post by emclure98 »

I honestly really liked this poem! The words were so powerful and they actually took me somewhere else. Your poem made me think of so many things, so many things in my past as well as books and movies and songs. I feel like this poem could go so much further if you maybe continued it. It seems like it's not fully done and with a bit more work I can see it being absolutely perfect! I loved the rhyming and the way the words flowed together.
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Avishi
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Post by Avishi »

Your words are really deep. Keep writing. It was in a nice flow and the selection of words are perfect. It was an thought provoking poem.
Latest Review: Wisdom by Arun mago
Kgomotso Maje
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Post by Kgomotso Maje »

oddly exceptional piece, just like your name.
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