She Makes Me Happy

kyadeane · Post by **kyadeane** » 28 May 2016, 07:17

I am currently working on a piece and this is what I have so far. (it is written in both me explaining to her, and her understanding...if that makes sense)

When she says "you make me happy" I know what she really means by it
"You make me happy" is the easiest way for her to say:

When I'm with you my mind doesn't fall into the darkness where terrible thoughts hide like monsters ready to tear through my heart
The ache in my chest subsides, you're the pain killer that my doctor can't seem to prescribe
And though I'm never really truly happy you make it seem like someday I could be. Because I've fallen victim to the wrath of my countless thoughts, leaving me defeated, beaten and falling apart.

You make me happy is the way she tells me that:
She is comfortable around me even in the body that she hates so much that she has tried thousands of times to cut herself out of. That she doesn't worry about not eating for 36 hours because 36 hours is when your body really starts to tear at itself and that's the optimum result for losing to get to her ultimate goal weight. And she tells me that I make her happy but I know it means:

You make my anxiety attacks go away faster. I like it when you pay attention to me, even though I never want anyone to ever see me.

I tell her she makes me happy, it's the only way I know how to tell you that my heart pounds when I get to see you but not in the way that it normally is when I feel worried that I'm going to fall ridiculed by my over active emotions. How when you're presence crowds me without making me gasp for air. And you listen to me words fall off my tongue like a thunderstorm of worries and ideas.

I don't make her hands shake, or her shoulders collapse into themselves. Folding her into the origami of a broken girl.

To enjoy your company so much to the point of always wanting to be with you.
I make her think twice about letting go of the sliver of life she has left
She makes me yearn to want to be here.

She says i make her happy
I tell her she makes me happy
In hope she'll understand all that it means.

Please let me know what you think!

MsMartha · Post by **MsMartha** » 28 May 2016, 09:03

I think "Folding her into the origami of a broken girl" is terrific. When you say you're currently working, do you mean you plan to make this a longer poem, or you'll be doing editing, or ? I think you have a good start

kyadeane · Post by **kyadeane** » 28 May 2016, 21:20

Thank you! And yes I am working on it still, but this is the start, I would like to make it longer (:

DATo · Post by **DATo** » 29 May 2016, 04:58

Nice poem. You have a very good subject to work with: the premise that the gifts two people bestow upon each other make their individual lives better and worth living.

I have a very small criticism of the presentation that you might consider amending illustrated below.

I tell her she makes me happy, it's the only way I know how to tell you that my heart pounds when I get to see you.

And later,

To enjoy your company so much to the point of always wanting to be with you.
I make her think twice about letting go of the sliver of life she has left

In the first example the narrator switches between speaking to his love interest and speaking with the reader in the same sentence which is inconsistent. There would however be absolutely nothing wrong with the narrator speaking directly to "her" in a dedicated paragraph or sentence which is isolated from the narration to the reader, but mixing them gets a bit confusing. A suggestion would be (if you DID include a dedicated dialogue with the girl) to write this in italics. This would help to telegraph your intent to the reader. I did this within this post, to separate your writing from my response. It adds clarity for the reader. In the second example you do something similar, once again mixing the direction of the narration from the subject (girl) to the reader.

A nice effort and I think you have a beautiful writing style. This poem is certainly worth continuing.

Metomorpher · Post by **Metomorpher** » 02 Aug 2016, 18:51

wow, this is powerful stuff, the imagery and all the implications are on point! DATo is write about needing to make your intentions more clear, it got a bit hard to follow and that spoiled a little of the experience.
My own advise would be to cut out a bit of the fatty bits, make it a tad more streamlined, this will allow your audience to stay with for the longer poem you intend to write. Taking out a few 'when's' and 'like's'

Keep writing, you have the beginnings of a really strong piece!

-- 03 Aug 2016, 12:52 --