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Once the dust settles, once months that feel like hours have passed, I feel it.
the vacancy in the chair you claimed as your own,
in your bedroom, that has barely changed at all,
in your daughter’s voice,
in my mother’s heart,
in me.

Consistent is what you’ve always been.
Always there / Always talking / Always moving / Always alive.
I can’t find you. I can’t find you now,
not in the gardens,
not in your room,
not in another world you’ve lost yourself in because of a book.

I’m searching alone, tonight, this moment, now that it feels real.

For a time this didn't feel real, I let myself pretend,
I let myself go to sleep & pretend when Ii woke up you’d be there, somewhere, anywhere.
I can’t do that anymore, it’s real, there’s no going backward.

I never agreed to losing you,
I never signed whatever paper that said I was ready.
No one ever cared about your family,
how it would leave a crater in our worlds,
in our minds,
in our hearts.

Death is merciless, it takes, and takes, and takes.

It’s not fair, though, nothing in this world ever is.

I love this poem about finally awakening to the reality of sadness and loss. In reading and rereading it, I felt what you felt as you moved through many emotions, first pretending the death never happened and in the end lamenting the unfairness of losing someone you love. I also loved the rhythm of the poem, especially the second stanza. I always think poetry should be read aloud and there is a 'flow' to your poem that lends itself to this. In my opinion, this is a well crafted poem with powerful phrases and sentences that completely convey your struggle with loss.