“I Saw A Chickadee Today”

[Jennifer Cowhig]

Hi everyone! I wanted to share a poem that I wrote in college that means a lot to me. I don't typically write poetry and sharing something this vulnerable kinda scares me.

The chickadee is my favorite bird and also the state bird of where I used to live. This is a grief poem where every time the title is repeated, time passes.

I would love some feedback as I am thinking of writing a series of poems connecting birds to my life. Some are more serious like this one, but others more fun. Anyways I hope you enjoy.
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“I Saw A Chickadee Today”
when I looked out your bedroom window. It's the first one since you’ve been away.
If I closed my eyes I could imagine the echoing call of chick- a- dee dee dee dee
Were your chocolate-covered claws striking a chord on your Taylor or Mom’s Martin.
Just a little chickadee and I’m left chasing fading memories
of us singing along to some old country song
Or that night mom sang “Sweet Baby James” to you, hoping her serenade would get you to sleep.
It didn’t work, hat song never worked, that’s the only song you didn’t like, that one with your name.
I still listen to those songs now, even if I pretended to hate them all back then.

We used to love this time of year, June
was the end of school but I never imagined it would now also mean the end of you.
I remember, sitting under summer skies soaking up the sun on Grandma’s beach
You loved spending time sitting in the sand even if you needed some help staying up,
Trapped in your body by Cerebral Palsy, but you never let that stop your spirit from living,
Until you chose to leave, slipping away in your sleep while listening to your favorite radio station.
I remember when I got the call from mom,
She was crying and barely audible screaming “James is Dead!” Into my ear.
That’s not a breakdown I ever wanted to hear
Your demise was a possibility of someday, I knew one day I would lose you,
The doctors said you were a miracle for surviving even 5 minutes past your early birth
You were moms miracle, you lived for 22 years, but even that didn’t seem like enough.
I guess I should be grateful for the time I had, But you seemed healthy and it was sudden. I wasn’t even 21.
I saw a duck on the beach in your spot that day. I never saw one there before,
The mallard usually prefers the lakes of home to the salty ocean where the beach house lived
But you frequently hear about birds being signs from heaven, and I see you in many species
But especially in little Chickadees, like the one I saw today.

I saw a Chickadee today, when wandering around campus.
He just sits on his branch in that beautiful October Tree,
He doesn’t silently slip into the sky
Without the courtesy of any last words, just like you did,
But I see he stayed silently sitting hidden in plain sight like I did, while panicking at the party
I’ve always hated the spotlight but you soaked it up like a sponge so I didn’t have to deal with it
You had my back, I wish I could have my brother back.
I don’t even know how to be me, JMC, without being able to see who you would grow up to be

I saw a chickadee today, while wandering the wild with our dog.
We are the remaining ones left to wander among the white birches
Blending in the branches the chickadee appears, it’s the only other living thing left here,
A little bird with feathers sticking up on its head, a messy black cap, with unruly strands just like yours
The more I stare at my new friend, my mind starts to bend
Images of him twisting into memories of what we could have been.

You made winters warm and our house a home. It was us against the world, now I’m alone in the cold
Abandoned among the fallen feathers from our friends flitting around the forest
Pondering the point of it all while watching playful little birds popping out of pines like popcorn.
Birds of a feather are supposed to flock together, but I guess you never got that memo
As you're flying free without me while I’m still a penguin frozen on the ice.
You were more than that body that was imprisoning you,
Chained to that wheelchair like your wings were clipped
But you were gone quicker than a peregrine, leaving me wondering and watching the western sky
Hating that I never got to say goodbye to the guy whose smile made my world brighter.

I saw a chickadee today, it’s the beginning of spring
Flowers bloom and its the season of rebirth
But no miracle will bring my brother back to me
But I’m fine with that as I see your silver blue eyes every time I look into mine.
Pieces of you are pieces of me, but I’m still not sure who I’m supposed to be.
However, you live on in stories and in my memory,

I saw a chickadee today, It wasn’t an unusual display
There’s been about a million here in the past two years since you’ve been here.
I’m 22 now, the same age you were when your spirit slipped away, I know I won’t go that way
I was always the healthy and quiet one, your absence is a notable silence
It’s weird being your younger sister but also growing older than you’ll ever get to be.
But I’m learning to move forward, even if I will always be haunted by the ghost of you
I still see my little chickadee. He’s not new and exciting like Gran would want him to be.
But I’m always glad to see a chickadee anyway, as it’s like you’re making sure I’m okay