Songs of Troy

[feveredpoet]

Song of Jupiter

Look at the Mighty Jupiter,
Gaining the leadership of heaven,
Chosen to shine among the cherubs,

Resting upon the mighty mountain,
Claiming the clouds his holy vestments.
The hosts of heaven gather 'round,

The lightning spreads his lofty message,
For all to hear his present might,
And fall in worship of his reverence.

His boasts have fallen with the light
To suffer those with chains of sin
Denounce their ways and heed his strikes
And take his name and follow him.


Song of Aphrodite

O' sing for Aphrodite when she fled
The bonds of heaven to rescue her son
When trapped in battle at the war of Troy.
Instead of choosing to sit idly by,
She dared to shrug the burden of her tears
And take the winged chariot into battle,
And, reaching for her love, was stopped by spear,
And cries of passion rose against the sky
Before she sought the refuge of her chambers
To mourn the loss of her beloved child.

[DATo]

I am a big fan of ancient Greek literature and I like what you have done with these poems; I would make a few suggestions however.

Jupiter is the Roman equivalent of Zeus and Aphrodite is the Greek equivalent of Venus. I would either change Jupiter to Zeus or Aphrodite o Venus to keep things consistent.

Paris would be thought of more as Aphrodite's champion or admirer I think rather than "son". Just a thought.

And fall in worship of his reverence.
I might suggest: And fall to worship in his reverence.

In the fourth stanza, first line of Song Of Jupiter I think you may have meant "bolts" rather than "boasts" but I could be wrong.

All the same a very good effort which I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing with us! [:- )

[feveredpoet]

I am a big fan of ancient Greek literature and I like what you have done with these poems; I would make a few suggestions however.

Jupiter is the Roman equivalent of Zeus and Aphrodite is the Greek equivalent of Venus. I would either change Jupiter to Zeus or Aphrodite o Venus to keep things consistent.

Paris would be thought of more as Aphrodite's champion or admirer I think rather than "son". Just a thought.

And fall in worship of his reverence.
I might suggest: And fall to worship in his reverence.

In the fourth stanza, first line of Song Of Jupiter I think you may have meant "bolts" rather than "boasts" but I could be wrong.

All the same a very good effort which I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing with us! [:- )

Thanks, DATo, for your generous remarks. You bring up some valid points. I chose Jupiter over Zeus because it was a more musical name, despite the deviation from Homer's Iliad being Greek. Seeing Zeus helped the Trojans mostly, I thought it was acceptable, because one of the Trojans goes on to found Rome in the Aeneid, and supported the Roman equivalents of the names, being his household gods. But maybe I should have went with 'Zeus.' It does seem awkward tho, and I apologize for that. I chose Aphrodite for the musical sense over Venus as well. She held the Greek name, which is in The Iliad. For Paris being Aphrodite's son, i wanted to make a motherly connection, but some versions of the myth do agree that it was her son whom she saved in the Trojan war, and that she bolted out of heaven, in defiance to Zeus, in a winged chariot to rescue her son, but in the Iliad, she runs to Paris and doesn't get the chariot till after she is injured, and, at the time, Zeus had't yet made the decree for the gods to stay out of the war. So I went with a lesser known version of the myth. As 'reverence' it is Jupiter's 'reverence' for 'well-being and good society' and not with him as 'Reverence.' It was a play on words as well, which you were right in part. As for 'boasts' i chose to make the rumbling and thunder as a 'boast' to be 'heard' in-taking-action.
I don't mean to be stubborn or disagree. You made all vital points, and the poems would be stronger for it. i may rewrite these some day, i don't know. thanks DATo!

-- 11 Sep 2016, 13:41 --

I know the 'reverence' part was really vague and leaning towards another meaning. I just imagined that people revere Zeus because he reveres beneficial and orderly society. a play on words is no excuse!

[DATo]

I see what you mean. Maybe a third poem - Song Of Aeneas - could be used to bridge the Jupiter and Aphrodite poems. That would be a cool way of tying Jupiter and Aphrodite together for as you correctly state Aeneas and the evacuees of Troy are believed to be the founders of Rome ... at least according to Virgil *LOL*

And fall in worship of his reverence. The word "of" suggests that they are falling to worship Jupiter's reverence - reverence being displayed by Jupiter. In fact it is they who are revering Jupiter so they would be the one's showing the reverence. I knew what you meant to say but it was, in my opinion, stated incorrectly. My recommendation - And fall to worship in his reverence. suggests that they are falling to worship Jupiter with intent to display reverence.

I hope I didn't sound like I was nit-picking your work. I only wanted to make some helpful suggestions.

[feveredpoet]

I hope I didn't sound like I was nit-picking your work. I only wanted to make some helpful suggestions.

I didn't think that at all, I just hope I didn't come across as dismissing your words. I often go with my heart a little too much, but you make good decisions, and that's what makes good poetry, good decisions.