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On Sin
Posted: 06 Jul 2017, 02:35
by ANDREW MBAGO
When i walk in darkness,nobody sees me clearly
Because the dirty linen i wear are covered by the darkness.
But when i stumble my toe nails,everybody see me openly
Because the pain i feel airs my dirty linen publicly.
Re: On Sin
Posted: 13 Jul 2017, 03:16
by Mashell Chapeyama
Ok Good, poetic.I hope you would bring concreteness in the poem though.
Re: On Sin
Posted: 13 Jul 2017, 06:05
by ANDREW MBAGO
Thank Mashell for reading my poem.What are your thoughts on the theme? Are the structure and punctuation okay based on your reading assessments?I really value your comments.
Keep reading!
Re: On Sin
Posted: 13 Jul 2017, 07:19
by Mashell Chapeyama
Trust me, the form the structure and flow of the poem is good. I think your poem is talking about darkness and stumbling but I could take it as symbolizing something else, which is good.
Re: On Sin
Posted: 14 Jul 2017, 00:36
by ANDREW MBAGO
Darkness symbolizes things done in secret.Dirty linen -bad/evil deeds.Stumbling- wages of evil deeds.Your take Mashell on the light i have shed on the theme?What do you suggest i should add to the poem to make it more concrete.
Re: On Sin
Posted: 13 Sep 2017, 06:41
by Vivian Paschal
It's quite short with a good message. I think the title works fine because it is a straightforward statement on the theme as a whole. However, I don't quite understand how people can see the persona openly when he stumbles, because you didn't mention him stepping into the light at all. Maybe a little adjustment will work. Keep writing!
Re: On Sin
Posted: 14 Sep 2017, 06:03
by ANDREW MBAGO
Thank you Vivian for your thoughts on the poem. I highly value them.The persona can openly be seen when the things s/he has done secretly are exposed.
Keep reading!