This one is for you, Papa
Posted: 25 Aug 2017, 11:48
My father died when I was nineteen
I never even had a chance to cook him a decent meal.
I remember preparing him a sandwich when I was sixteen
It was too salty that he asked
"Anak, are you trying to kill me?" then continued munching
I only understood the nature of my dad until I was thirteen
He jokes about the silliest things and gets mad over selfish doings
There's also a time he pushed me to a 5ft pool, I think I was ten and only 4ft tall
"Helppp!" as water started filling my lungs
"Swim!!!" I heard him say. I'm not sure if kicking can be considered swimming but when I reached the edge the pool, I was crying and he was laughing. "I knew you wouldn't drown!"
Also, I was good at math, he taught me well when I was seven
I can still remember his voice but well, I forgot the lessons
But the earliest and probably the most memorable moment I had with my dad happened when I was four.
I was too little, too fragile, too innocent.
All that didn't matter as he hit my butt with a belt.
I guess when you're too little, too fragile, and too innocent, you wouldn't feel pain. It won't even matter to you what you did wrong.
And know what? I don't remember crying. I was shocked and petrified, but at the same time felt a little bold.
Perhaps it was that time, the exact moment, that my young brain grasp the idea that I don't own the world.
Truth is, I wasn't so devastated when he died.
It was as if he had prepared me for this all my life.
"Listen Anak, you don't own the world... and the people in it."
Now that I am twenty-five,
I only wish that I've become the person my dad always wanted me to be.
Someone who can accept the fact that anything can happen.
That he can die even if he's healthy and young.
That he won't see me get married and have kids.
That I have to learn how carry this burden even at nineteen.
I never even had a chance to cook him a decent meal.
I remember preparing him a sandwich when I was sixteen
It was too salty that he asked
"Anak, are you trying to kill me?" then continued munching
I only understood the nature of my dad until I was thirteen
He jokes about the silliest things and gets mad over selfish doings
There's also a time he pushed me to a 5ft pool, I think I was ten and only 4ft tall
"Helppp!" as water started filling my lungs
"Swim!!!" I heard him say. I'm not sure if kicking can be considered swimming but when I reached the edge the pool, I was crying and he was laughing. "I knew you wouldn't drown!"
Also, I was good at math, he taught me well when I was seven
I can still remember his voice but well, I forgot the lessons
But the earliest and probably the most memorable moment I had with my dad happened when I was four.
I was too little, too fragile, too innocent.
All that didn't matter as he hit my butt with a belt.
I guess when you're too little, too fragile, and too innocent, you wouldn't feel pain. It won't even matter to you what you did wrong.
And know what? I don't remember crying. I was shocked and petrified, but at the same time felt a little bold.
Perhaps it was that time, the exact moment, that my young brain grasp the idea that I don't own the world.
Truth is, I wasn't so devastated when he died.
It was as if he had prepared me for this all my life.
"Listen Anak, you don't own the world... and the people in it."
Now that I am twenty-five,
I only wish that I've become the person my dad always wanted me to be.
Someone who can accept the fact that anything can happen.
That he can die even if he's healthy and young.
That he won't see me get married and have kids.
That I have to learn how carry this burden even at nineteen.