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I have no title for this poem, but here is a little back history. I fought with myself for a while now on typing this on here if I ever found it but I realized that, although taboo to some, maybe how I felt when I made the choice to use drugs in my past would maybe help others who don't understand what an addict may feel in the middle of their using or maybe encourage others who have suffered from addiction. So many people fight over the whole concept of whether its a choice or a disease. In my heart I feel its both, and here's why while for some it truly is a choice for other's its not. chemical imbalances in their brains cause a need for whatever their choice of vice is which causes the dependency. what about the babies born to mothers who use, it wasn't their choice, but now they have an addiction they will have to suffer from for the rest of their lives. but that's neither here nor there this poem is about feelings that lead up to my picking up the drug of my choice, why I continued to use, and where it all turned about for me. Sorry for the rambling I am just nervous and like I said I posted this to maybe help someone else whose struggling or has been there too. so here goes....

I don't want to feel,
It's all crashing down.
I feel like I'm going to drown.
The silent screams,
And the loud long fights,
It all won't stop.
I don't want to feel.
I don't want to let go.
So I'll sit here
And take a hit,
Stick a needle in my vein.
I'll let go
And enter oblivion.
I'll take a drink
And drown out my sorrows.
I'll silence the screams
And take all the blame.
God knows,
I'm tired of this game.
When will I get out?
When will life begin again?
At the end of a barrel
My life was changed.
My eyes were opened
When they put me in chains.
God gave me a gift.
Now I've got to change.
For a second chance full of love
Is far better
Than this drinking and drugging game.

I wrote this poem on September 22, 2014, in my 6th week of treatment, and I was 214 days sober at that time. I state at that time because I did relapse for a short time. As much as I regret the choice to relapse I also do not regret it. After relapsing and being played by an ex-boyfriend I met my second and last husband, to whom -while embarrassed and ashamed- I admitted my problem to. I will never forget the look on his face, on the day I admitted to him my problem, when he said, "If you don't want it, then I don't want it. We won't ever touch it or be around it again." In March of 2019 that day will be 3 years behind me, and since then our family has grown, and now I have two beautiful reasons to stay clean and sober. I hope this poem has helped maybe give a small hint of understanding to someone whose never been in an addicts shoes or even the courage to say I was there too or I need that kind of help now. Bless you all, and thanks for bearing with my ramblings.

Oh my.. I understand fully the devastating effects of this disease. I commend you for sharing this deeply personal plight and am grateful for others that are able to share their experience. It isn't easy. Thank you

Good for you.

Thank you both. It means alot that youd take the time to stop by.

I admire you for sharing your personal experience so that it can be helpful for others. Congratulations on your progress and beautiful family.

Ekta Kumari wrote: ↑03 Mar 2019, 09:55 I admire you for sharing your personal experience so that it can be helpful for others. Congratulations on your progress and beautiful family.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Im sorry for the late response as i have been having some health issues. I needed this tonight as encouragement to keep going and not giving up no matter how hard things may get. I hope all is well for you and that you have a happy Easter

Thank you I know that addicts are in pain and it is hard to break that cycle of abuse.

It pains. It release. we are all human being after all. We have bad circle and good circle. It not easy but we need to try to be fine. Your poem really touch me because it tells wat happened around people who we just see smile on there face but never know what they face through...

Thank you both. I am glad the poem has touched your lives in a positive way

This is a nice poetry. What i don't really understand is your take on this adiction and drug thing. I mean,your introductory statement looks like you have no problem with it, then the poetry becomes emotional (like you really want to give up the drugs) then your concluding statement has no definite stand.

Thank you for the compliment on the poem. Honestly i am not ok with addiction. As one whose battled it and lost after at first being a year and a half sober i know how easy it is to relapse. My conclusion after my poem was to show others that its is ok to ask for help even if you are ashamed too. That with the right people behind you and hard work you can stay clean for 3 years 5 years 10 or more years and that the rewards of staying clean are worth more than the few things i mentioned within the poem or for those who havent gone through similar things like i have whatever drove them to use or whatever they experience while using. When i wrote this poem i was a baby in the eyes of the recovering community while i knew it could be easy to relapse i didnt fully understand how easy it was until i went through it. There is no definite stand in my conclusion because while i want to remain clean for the rest of my life i now fully understand one bad day one bad choice and all the things i wanted to be away from can come back with a hard core vengeance. But being able to share and talk to people and finding that support in that dark time is what makes it better whether its God a gun to the face a jail cell or a hospital stay or a neighbor down the road a random person youve never seen or a loved one close to home that makes you decide its time to turn things around and find tat help. The people or things you chose can only help if you're willing to help yourself. I also have no definitive stand in the end becuase life is still going and it always will even if i pass from this world. And i wanted to put this out there to help and even make people think. As we say at the recovery tables so "you can take what you need and leave the rest". To me thats what poetry is about too. Not everyone will understand and thats ok because those that needed it understand and those that dont either take some part of it and understand or they dont get it at all and its ok to be any of those. I hoped thats helped ease your thoughts and concerns. Have a good day!

Been there. It's a ongoing battle but nothing to be ashamed or nervous about. It's a disease so they say. I've got a whole manuscript of poems about the dark side of addiction so I related to this quite well. Keep up the good fight and your not alone