hunting for gold
- Opemiajao99
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hunting for gold
Restless days
Hustling continues
Cancelled are holidays
Struggling all the ways
No time for nap
Feeding on pap
Working non stop
Burden on top
Reaching for top
To feed the kids
Lame they are
Bend back bones
With tattered shelters
Wearing of rags
Feeding on rottens
Drinking stagnants
From hand to mouth
Clearing the path
no time for tush
making way in thick bush
all blockage must be push
mouth left unbrushed
everyone in rush
In hunting for gold
the priceless treasure
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My favourite part about your poem is the use of alliteration for the letter 'b' in "bend back bones" and sharp 't' in "With tattered shelters", which speeds up the rhythm of the poem when emphasising the difficulty of being a hard-working, low-income parent. It reads powerfully.
"Bend back bones
With tattered shelters
Wearing of rags
Feeding on rottens
Drinking stagnants
From hand to mouth"
I enjoyed reading this portion of the poem, because the final line breaks up the monotony of rhyme throughout the rest of the poem. I think this shows forward-thinking in your writing, and I admire that.
In regards to the poem as a whole, perhaps if you considered elongating some of your sentences or restructuring them, it would strengthen the poem's overall impact.
Thank-you for sharing your poem.
- Opemiajao99
- Posts: 7
- Joined: 09 Sep 2018, 15:10
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Making way in thick bush; using a bare hand to push the grasses when there's no footpath to trail.