Why do people abuse?

Tayla · Post by **Tayla** » 08 Apr 2014, 19:10

Today in school we talked about child abuse and abuse in relationships. We read about people's abuse stories and watched short films about them. I wondered why people abuse? I know some have mental problems, but why did no one get them help? How did no one notice these people's problems? Also it said some had been abused before, but if you know how horrible it feels to be abused why in the world would you make someone else go through that?

My teacher said that some have only ever known abuse so they think that it is ok. I'm still confused, have they not noticed how messed up that is? Have they not noticed how wrong the person that did that is? At school, movies, t.v., books, and more, wouldn't they see thats not normal or healthy to abuse? Did they never wonder why others aren't abused and are different? Did they just think something is wrong with them? If so, why not make sure that does not happen to anyone else?

Also why did no one help these people? Did no one notice the bruises? Especially the teachers, how come they did not see the bruises or notice anything? Generally people of abuse don't like being touched. Did teachers not notice this? Did no one notice this? Also people of abuse usually have violent streaks. Do people just ignore this? Have i ever ignored this?

Do you ever wonder if you ignored the signs or never saw them? I have heard of best friends, family, teachers, and people that are around the abused person did not know that this happened to them. I might ask, how did they not see those obvious signs? But what if I have or do too? When i think about it i don't recall anybody with the usual signs, but what if they are just really good at hiding them?

-- 08 Apr 2014, 20:13 --

Also note to abused: If you can get away, RUN! Do NOT be afraid, if you go to the cops you will be protected. Your bruises are proof. If you are ever abused run and keep pictures of the bruises with your face in them as proof. DO NOT BE AFRAID! PEOPLE WILL HELP! THEY WILL NOT SEE YOU AS WEAK, BUT AS STRONG FOR BEING ABLE TO LIVE THROUGH THAT!

janna916 · Post by **janna916** » 08 Apr 2014, 19:22

Understanding abuse is actually very complicated and the justice system is not as simple as calling the cops and you're safe. Understanding human behavior in the abuse cycle is not just about understanding why someone abuses but also understanding the victims of abuse and why they continue to stay. Most times cases of physical abuse is also coupled with psychological abuse. This control that abusers have over their victims prevents from charges being pressed. If the victim does not admit to the abuse, due to fear or whatever else it may be the abuser does not get held accountable. I work as a victim's advocate and the cases I see are heartbreaking and unfortunate, but leaving an abuse relationship is not as simple as people want to believe.

Aussie-reader · Post by **Aussie-reader** » 09 Apr 2014, 05:26

Also why did no one help these people? Did no one notice the bruises? Especially the teachers, how come they did not see the bruises or notice anything?

Because sometimes abusers are careful to bruise in places where it wont be shown.
Because children/adults do bruise in innocent ways too and is not always easy to tell difference (and sometimes victim is not confident enough to tell the truth about it)

Also it said some had been abused before, but if you know how horrible it feels to be abused why in the world would you make someone else go through that?

Because people learn patterns of behavior by example - if your parent/ an abuser abused you, unfortunately there is a tendency to repeat that behavior as an adult. Especially if you never received any treatment/counselling etc to help you heal which in turn helps you break the cycle.
I don't know exact numbers but I do know a very high percentage of abusers were abused children themselves.

Did they just think something is wrong with them?

Often, yes.
very common for abused children to blame themselves. Abused partners too - confidence is so undermined and victims often so isolated from others that they come to see themselves as the one at fault.
Of course this is sometimes perpetuated by society attitudes - why doesn't she just leave?
So, if you cant just leave because you have no confidence/ no support/nowhere to go - you see that as being your fault too.

No simple answers, as Janna said.

Fran · Post by **Fran** » 09 Apr 2014, 06:36

I'm currently reading a book about Auschwitz and the treatment of Jews in Europe and I came across the following quote (the speaker is talking about the ability of non-Jews in Slovakia to ignore or rationalise what they could see was happening to their Jewish neighbours and schoolmates).
"Human material is very bendable. You can do anything with it."

It is amazing how many otherwise rational adults confuse love and abuse - hardly a surprise that a child conditioned to believe that abuse is not just normal but "proof" of love would have a problem reporting it. A young child in particular has nothing to make a comparison with.
In spite of all the abuse from the past that has come to light in Ireland in the last few years you can still find people who will rationalise it by saying "life was tough for everyone at that time".
I think what you have to remember is how manipulative and devious abusers are & what a plausible face they can produce to the world. The old saying about "a street angel and a home devil" applies and of course it can be so difficult to really know what goes on behind closed doors.

MelMariah · Post by **MelMariah** » 09 Apr 2014, 19:15

Well said Fran,
We also have to remember even if somebody may not abuse physically, verbal abuse can be if anything more damaging and traumatizing.
Imagine trying to do your very best in a hobby you love and having a loved one come home and tell you "You're never going to do that, you're way too incapable" or worse, everyday of your life.

Verbal abuse and bullying these day is way too overlooked.
I feel with the upcoming popularity of ridding sexism and the fresh unleashing of female sexual empowerment it is being overlooked or hidden in the sudden rush and focus of empowering women and embracing our sexuality and demolishing double standards. Which I think is fantastic, don't me wrong. I just feel there's so much spotlight on it and not enough education and awareness on verbal abuse which can be so very subtle and many people don't understand verbal abuse. They often mistake it for a "bad mood" or something else.