Need some third party advice on wedding crisis

[rachel_bruhn]

I thought that maybe there would be some wise people in this group that might be able to help me with a dilemma that just arose in my wedding. So, here's the story:

We are doing a "get away" wedding ceremony and a larger reception later. The reception date is in May 2016. My future mother-in-law offered to host and pay for the reception since I had inquired about doing it at their house (they have a few acres of land). This planning and prep started about 6-8 months ago. She has been collecting materials needed for the reception since then and we have planned and budgeted everything else accordingly.

In the past couple of months, things have been tense between my FMIL and I regarding some differences of opinion on non-wedding related matters. Two nights ago she finally lost it and went off on me, making wild accusations, and then said that she no longer wanted to do the reception because she didn't want to have to "jump through hoops" for it. My fiance made further inquiry to see if we could still use their property as the location (since all the invitations have already been printed and save the dates have already been sent) and to see if she was still able to contribute financially (since the budget has already been allocated). She said no to both inquiries.

I am at the point that I don't even want her there, based on comments that she made and her complete irrationality regarding the wedding (which had nothing to do with the argument that took place). I am also in a frenzy because I now have to find a way to cover all of the reception costs (which will increase due to having to rent a venue, hire a caterer, etc.) as well as invest more money into having new invitations printed. I also realize that this decision was made with tempers flaring and she could change her mind between now and the reception date.

Any tips on what I should do would be so appreciated at this time!

[Charisse05]

Due to the fact the comments were made due to "tempers flaring" at the time I would give it maybe a week and then try to approach her. Many times, though not an excuse, people will just lash out and bring up anything they may not like to get at the other person. But make sure your fiancé is there with you as support. If after that, she still is not changing her mind, then look into renting a park nearby, they can be less expensive and do more of a buffet style reception. Maybe you can even get some of your family to make dishes - I know this is probably not exactly how you saw this day, but I am sure it would still be beautiful Good luck !

[rssllue]

I would also recommend to let things calm down for awhile as I am sure some things were said that are soon to be regretted (if not already) and hopefully things might change quite a lot in the near future. No matter how it works out though, I believe that you should definitely not exclude her from the festivities. That is something that you can never take back or fix in the future. It is not a good way to start your relationship as part of each other's family and it would create a wound that would be long lasting in all of your lives.

[rachel_bruhn]

My only concern with waiting to see if things will calm down is that I am losing time that I could spend looking for a new venue and time to have new invitations prepared and printed. I don't want to wait too long and not be able to find a venue/caterer/etc. that can accommodate our date and location. I am a big planner and perfectionist, so I am sure this seems like a bigger crisis than it might be at this point in time.

[rssllue]

I would then recommend that you set a date in the near future that would be the cut-off for when you would make a final decision on holding the reception at a different venue. That way you can give it the "cooling off" period, without worrying that things are taking too long to work themselves out. You can obviously still have her come to the reception no matter where it is held. I hope this helps!

[ashley_claire]

Honestly even if she comes around and changes her mind and says she's fine with hosting the reception, I still wouldn't do it. I realize it's a huge inconvenience and a lot of money to change the location but it would make me nervous that she could pull the rug out from you at any time like that. She's already shown you that she's not afraid of threatening your entire plan for your reception. And I wouldn't want to walk on eggshells for the next 8 months and be afraid of voicing my option for fear that she will once again say that the reception can't be held at her house.

This might seem harsh, but I've had a lot of MIL issues myself and the only way she's going to get it is to take away her power of the situation. Good luck!

[rachel_bruhn]

She is a planner like me, and I know she has already invested time and money into the reception. IF she comes around and agrees to do it later I don't see her reneging again with it being that close to the date since she will have already booked the rentals and such by that time. I have asked my fiance to approach her again and try to reason with her about at least allowing us to still use the property at no inconvenience to her (we would pay for all rentals and equipment, etc.) since invitations have already been printed, save the dates have already gone out, and some amenities have already been booked and paid for using that location as the reception site. Even if she is doing this to get back at me, I am hoping that she will still want to help her son out on his wedding day.

[Ojarikre oberhiri]

I honestly advice you should look for some place else to hold the wedding reception. if in a moment of temper flaring she could renege on her commitment to you, wat makes u tink she can't do same on the wedding day which by then will be almost impossible to remedy. Yes finances will be quite high but at the long run, you will be saving yourself a whole lot of disappointment, which seems like a pretty good bargain to me.

[gali]

A tough issue to advise. What does your fiancé think about all this? After all it's his wedding as well. I would let him handle this, before making any rush decisions.

[zeldas_lullaby]

Here's what I think happened: your MIL let the stress get to her, and I don't think she's up to having the event at her place. Of course, she had no way of verbalizing that because the invitations were sent out, etc. But she was overwhelmed and didn't know how to cope. I would forgive her and immediately find someplace else--anyplace else--to host the affair. She probably thought she could handle it but then realized she couldn't. Good luck and God bless!

[rachel_bruhn]

She hosts big events like this quite often. She actually loves to plan and host large events. She is stressed about other things going on..namely differences between us. We have different views on important life aspects and tension has been building (apparently...I just got in the loop on this). She feels like I don't consider her to be my family, so she is backing out. Like I said before, I think it is something that can be worked out before the actual event, but I'm not sure how long I can afford to wait before trying to make alternate plans.

[zeldas_lullaby]

Hmmm.... Interesting. So I was wrong?? Oh no.

To get into the technical aspects of this, you might work it out with her, or you might THINK you've worked it out with her and then have to repeat this agony a few weeks/months from now. I understand your conflict here--do you hope for the best and see if this smooths over, or do you bail ship to protect the integrity of the event, such that you have a guarantee about where to have it?

Practically, I would consider relocating the event. You said originally that she hurled wild accusations at you. I don't know what's going on, but if you try to keep the event in her arena, then you're not protecting yourself from further outbursts. You know what I mean? If you're continuing to remain beholden to her for hosting, then she'll feel entitled to continue acting outrageous.

If you do swallow the cost and hassle and relocate, you'll be free from the strain and the drama, no matter what happens (as long as you don't let her convince you to reconsider--if you walk, I'd stay the course). Like Russell(?) said, definitely keep her invited to all the events (unless you outright elope), because if you don't, she'll have leverage over you FOR-EV-ER.

If you stay, on the other hand, then you've got eight months of being under this woman's control, more or less. It's your reception. Anyone out there agree/disagree?

-- September 27th, 2015, 10:54 pm --

Also, she clearly doesn't want to host the event anymore. I have no idea why, and it's not good form to agree to something and back out, but all the same, I think that fact remains. I'd let her off and just replan the reception, because you can't "make" her want to host it again. I don't think that would lead anywhere good. Thoughts, anyone?

[A_Choyka]

My first thought is that you and your fiancé need to talk with her as a united front. Let her know that you all are wanting the same end results, to celebrate your two families coming together as one. It's tough for MIL, as they are having to let go and accept that there will be another figure who comes before them (or at least that's what I imagine); so maybe this event is a little different than the other events she's hosted. My personal experience is that when there's an in law that's insecure, you have to constantly remind them that they are valued and loved...it can be exhausting at times, but it's worth it in the end. Just go as a couple and speak to her face to face. She'll come around.

[ashley_claire]

@zeldas_lullaby nailed it

[rachel_bruhn]

I am inclined to agree that I should just make other arrangements and I am happy to let her out of her "obligation" to host the reception. In light of the fact that everything has already been printed using their property as the location, I would like to be able to at least negotiate that aspect and alleviate any burden they would have (i.e. grass cutting etc.) to still have it on their property. If this negotiation fails I will concede defeat on that front and move it somewhere else entirely.

I also agree with a_choyka that my fiance and I need to approach her on a united front. Part of the tension that has been building is that my fiance is a very "go with the flow" kind of person that shares a close relationship with his mother. While his mom and I have been sharing our disagreements on things he has sort of been supporting both of us, although it is clear that he agrees with her on things. I strongly believe in united fronts, despite individual differences, so I have tried talking to him about things in the past, but his need to keep people happy meant he didn't present what he and I had discussed. That being said, after the big fallout with his mom (for which he was present) he and I had a very long conversation about being united and supporting each other, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. I do believe the only way to mend things is for us to talk with her as a team, because she has been trying to manipulate things knowing he will give her what she wants.