Feedback please!
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Hope_0615
- Posts: 15
- Joined: 01 Apr 2013, 20:22
- Bookshelf Size: 0
Feedback please!
I'm new to this site and would love some feedback. I'm very new to writing poetry. This is something I started in a creative writing class and expanded on after. There are many things I need to improve on. I feel like this poem runs on too long. I love certain parts of it but don't know exactly how I should edit it. Please let me know how I can learn to improve! Thanks! 
I walk in the front door
greeted with an overwhelming aroma,
it smells so warm and delicious,
my senses have been awakened
as if for the first time.
Never have I
breathed in the scent
of these unfamiliar delicacies.
The house that I step into
is as richly coated with warmth and sensation
as the cuisine roasting in the oven.
The appearance of the kitchen
and the reeking deliciousness coming from there
give off shades of deep browns and grays
producing thoughts of Christmas and Thanksgiving,
with family members and friends,
being fully satisfied
with the contents devoured,
sitting happily inside my belly.
I walk around this wondrous room
blending myself into the atmosphere,
my stomach guiding me,
my mind blank of anything
except the lavish flavor of the meal
I am about to receive.
Given a glass of wine,
I take my time,
tasting it delicately with the tip of my tongue,
unlike anything I have sampled before,
not red wine, not white, but something else,
blackberry flavor swirling around my mouth,
swimming down my throat,
landing in my stomach with a satisfying splash.
I walk around in a daze of happiness,
the aroma of food almost being ready
fills my nose,
and the wine that feeds my spirit
makes me appreciate this night even more.
I take a seat at the table,
mmm what’s this?
chocolate brownies with caramel dribbled on top,
should I be the first one to sample this delectable treat?
My hand reaches for the chocolate piece of heaven
before my brain has time to react.
The first bite comes before I am ready,
exploding sensations coming from my indulgence,
the rich creamy texture of chocolate
and the devilishly sweet caramel intertwined
make my taste buds overwhelmed
by the presence of such a wonderful flavor,
they have never had a guest as sweet as this one before.
I sit back and drink another sip of wine to further
excite the flavor seekers on my tongue.
A slender layer of blackberry essence
is washed down my throat.
To my surprise
the main course is ready,
my stomach churns
with monumental anticipation.
The dishes are set around the table,
a serve yourself type of setting.
I sit there a minute,
letting a few others gather their food,
they must be as hungry as me,
but definitely not more than me.
My turn finally comes,
I dish up something that remains nameless in my mind,
also a cabbage roll ends up on my plate,
along with zesty homemade sauce.
My taste buds are screaming at me now,
Taste it! Eat it!
I have no choice,
I drizzle sauce on top of the unknown wonderment,
cut a small piece of it with my fork,
oh sweet Jesus!
It is chewed and swallowed so quickly,
I barely have time to cut the next bite,
this must be what heaven would taste like,
if it were edible.
Warm cheeses and meats melt inside my mouth,
Noodle encompassing this deliciousness,
no thoughts travel through my mind,
my taste buds are in control of my being.
A sip of wine to quench my thirst,
a bite of the cabbage roll is so wonderful,
I do not bother to put my fork down
until I have completely devoured it.
I wish this meal and this moment could last forever,
my own personal delicious Heaven.
I walk in the front door
greeted with an overwhelming aroma,
it smells so warm and delicious,
my senses have been awakened
as if for the first time.
Never have I
breathed in the scent
of these unfamiliar delicacies.
The house that I step into
is as richly coated with warmth and sensation
as the cuisine roasting in the oven.
The appearance of the kitchen
and the reeking deliciousness coming from there
give off shades of deep browns and grays
producing thoughts of Christmas and Thanksgiving,
with family members and friends,
being fully satisfied
with the contents devoured,
sitting happily inside my belly.
I walk around this wondrous room
blending myself into the atmosphere,
my stomach guiding me,
my mind blank of anything
except the lavish flavor of the meal
I am about to receive.
Given a glass of wine,
I take my time,
tasting it delicately with the tip of my tongue,
unlike anything I have sampled before,
not red wine, not white, but something else,
blackberry flavor swirling around my mouth,
swimming down my throat,
landing in my stomach with a satisfying splash.
I walk around in a daze of happiness,
the aroma of food almost being ready
fills my nose,
and the wine that feeds my spirit
makes me appreciate this night even more.
I take a seat at the table,
mmm what’s this?
chocolate brownies with caramel dribbled on top,
should I be the first one to sample this delectable treat?
My hand reaches for the chocolate piece of heaven
before my brain has time to react.
The first bite comes before I am ready,
exploding sensations coming from my indulgence,
the rich creamy texture of chocolate
and the devilishly sweet caramel intertwined
make my taste buds overwhelmed
by the presence of such a wonderful flavor,
they have never had a guest as sweet as this one before.
I sit back and drink another sip of wine to further
excite the flavor seekers on my tongue.
A slender layer of blackberry essence
is washed down my throat.
To my surprise
the main course is ready,
my stomach churns
with monumental anticipation.
The dishes are set around the table,
a serve yourself type of setting.
I sit there a minute,
letting a few others gather their food,
they must be as hungry as me,
but definitely not more than me.
My turn finally comes,
I dish up something that remains nameless in my mind,
also a cabbage roll ends up on my plate,
along with zesty homemade sauce.
My taste buds are screaming at me now,
Taste it! Eat it!
I have no choice,
I drizzle sauce on top of the unknown wonderment,
cut a small piece of it with my fork,
oh sweet Jesus!
It is chewed and swallowed so quickly,
I barely have time to cut the next bite,
this must be what heaven would taste like,
if it were edible.
Warm cheeses and meats melt inside my mouth,
Noodle encompassing this deliciousness,
no thoughts travel through my mind,
my taste buds are in control of my being.
A sip of wine to quench my thirst,
a bite of the cabbage roll is so wonderful,
I do not bother to put my fork down
until I have completely devoured it.
I wish this meal and this moment could last forever,
my own personal delicious Heaven.
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faucets xp
- Posts: 6
- Joined: 25 Mar 2013, 01:04
- Bookshelf Size: 0
Fresh as me.
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Hope_0615
- Posts: 15
- Joined: 01 Apr 2013, 20:22
- Bookshelf Size: 0
Would you mind elaborating? Was that meant to be a correction/suggestion for me?
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DATo
- Previous Member of the Month
- Posts: 6014
- Joined: 31 Dec 2011, 07:54
- Bookshelf Size: 0
I enjoyed reading this except it made me hungry. *LOL*
You have talent in my opinion. I would only question the lines ...
I do not bother to put my fork down
until I have completely devoured it.
I understood what you meant but the phrasing could still lead one to suspect that this meal was so wonderful you even ate the eating utensils. *L* Seriously, I think it is a nice poem and well written. Good work !!! Now please post the recipe to those cabbage rolls.
You have talent in my opinion. I would only question the lines ...
I do not bother to put my fork down
until I have completely devoured it.
I understood what you meant but the phrasing could still lead one to suspect that this meal was so wonderful you even ate the eating utensils. *L* Seriously, I think it is a nice poem and well written. Good work !!! Now please post the recipe to those cabbage rolls.
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright
― Steven Wright
