So I wrote a poem, but I'm not sure how its received?

[kemistree]

So some time ago I wrote a poem. However I'm not sure how well its received by others? I'm unsure if the message is clear? I'm really not the best as asking for comments and critiques on these things. I'm also unsure of whether or not this is the place to post such inquiries... Help?

Chess

I, am a puppet,
a worthless pawn in this strategic game we call life,
This game,
Played on the linoleum floor of fate,

Black.

White.

Good.

Bad.

Pass.

Fail.

Live.

Die.



Your choices make the outcome,

Sound simple?

It may,

But my friend you must remember,

for every action,

a price must be paid,

This price may be ill-fated, or heaven-sent,

It remains a mystery,

An elusive mystery hidden behind black and white doors,

Which road must one take to reach the stronghold?

Not even the most skilled players know.

It's up to you.



Do you send your fickle steed forward?

Or do you step boldly with pawn?

Do you dash like the bishop,

narrow-minded and strict?

Or do you slide like the rook,

with ease and aware of your surroundings?

With the fearless pawn,

You step forward and don't look back,

Yet the tepid steed,

though large in size,

is quick to retreat.

The rook never meaning to offend,

plays for both teams,

taking both sides,

gliding back and forth,


Which road must one take to reach the stronghold?

It is a gambit,

So has been said.

It is a game of monochrome fate, chance, victory, and defeat that each of us must play.

[acasto]

I liked your poem, and thought it was an interesting metaphor for life. There are a few typos that, if fixed, would clear up a few of you questions. "how well its" should be "how well it's", "clear?" should be "clear.", "best as asking" should be "best at asking". And in your poem I think "So has been said." should be "So it has been said".

[kemistree]

Ah thank you for the input. I will make corrections!

[ajensen6]

I enjoyed reading your poem. The metaphor of chess as a life was well played. I'm not sure how to receive the metaphors for the roads one must travel because of the Frost poem. I suggest you try to relate what your are trying to say to your main metaphor of chess.

[kemistree]

Hmm, All right! Thank you :3

[Ryan]

I like your poem. However, I thought the series of one word lines at the beginning somewhat lessened its impact. Perhaps taking them out and linking "linoleum floor of fate" to "your choices make the outcome" would create a very strong image and have a greater impact. I particularly love "linoleum floor of fate". The juxtaposition of the mundane (linoleum) and the transcendental (fate) works well in linking life and death. Also, if you can, try to remove the amount of questions and re-write them so that they are more descriptive as I think when rhetorical questions are over-used they can sometimes encumber the rhythm. I'd also recommend re-wording the very beginning because it doesn't have any strong images which grab the reader's attention. And I second the comment about making everything link to the extended metaphor of chess -- otherwise, the poem can get confusing and lose its potency.

I hope that was helpful and I generally liked the poem. Keep on writing!