Reviews Requested :)

[Bleeding_Soul]

I wonder what you all thing of this....

Let’s make a mistake

Beneath the first twinkle of starlight
Beneath the gaunt aura of crimson twilight,
Let’s make a mistake,
Let’s make a mistake tonight.

Have you ever gambled on a whim?
Have you ever chased a dream- fading and dim?
If not, then do it, make a mistake
Risk your life, risk your limb.

Do you live by the book, by the words of others?
Do you give them your desires to mutilate and smother?
Give yourself a chance, even though it might be a mistake.
For once in your life, listen to your heart’s quiet murmur.

Make a mistake, though it may bring you scorn,
Make a mistake, you are anyway forlorn,
Pleasing others is no life,
It is not for what you were born.

Why do you weave dreams only to toss them away?
You will still be unloved, you will still be a castaway.
Give unto others only as much as they need.
Drown not your desires in their selfish greed.

Once, just once, take my hand, let us run away,
Out the stark canvas, into the inviting grey,
Let us take the dreaded leap of faith.
Come, let us make a mistake, just for today.

[Cheryl Rendone]

This is absolutely brilliant!! Did you write it? I also write poetry myself, it should be in poetry and music if you want to review mine. what inspired you to write this poem, if you did?

[gali]

I like it. Well done!

[Nathrad Sheare]

That was actually rather ingenious, BleedingSoul. At the moments I thought a thought I'd find wanting, I was pleasantly surprised to see it exquisitely completed. Nice work. I'd like to see more, if that's all right with you.

[Bleeding_Soul]

Thank you so much everyone.
This poem was written in a moment of regret- not for something that i had done, but for smthing I did NOT do
One has to be just a little bit selfish at times.....dont hurt others, but dont sacrifice your happiness because of others.

[lbuckman]

I really liked this poem! Could definitely hear and read the emotion in it. Great job!

-- 21 Jan 2014, 17:41 --

Forgot to add that although I thoroughly enjoyed this poem - my one comment would be that 'mutilate' is a very strong word. If that was your intent - then great - if not - then consider using something a bit less strong (no good ideas for you though...)

[Nathrad Sheare]

Indeed, nobody's happiness should be sacrificed to another's opinion. What people think of us is not important enough for that... unless someone else's happiness is also at stake. We don't want to intentionally rob anyone of their joy in life, either.

[H0LD0Nthere]

Wow. I agree with everyone, it is very good, and sounds like it could be a song.

"Into the inviting grey" is a very evocative line. It makes me think of "Hey Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan ... the whole song is like that one line. If you have never listened to that song, I think you would like it.

As to the main part of the content, it reminds me of two, not-quite-opposite, traditions.

One is the ancient wisdom that really giving yourself to loving someone is going to cost you, but that if it's truly love, it will seem worth it to you. To take a modern example, there's the Andrew Lloyd Webber lines from Aspects of Love: "Off into the world we go,/planning futures, turning years./Love bursts in, and suddenly/all our wisdom disappears./Love makes fools of everyone./All the rules we made are broken." There is a lot of truth in this. People who love deeply will do things that look like a foolish mistake to those who don't understand. And the greatest Lover of them all, gave up the most for those He loved! He actually died for us. "God so loved the world that He gave His only Son."

The other thing your poem reminds me of (especially the first three stanzas) is the semi-comic tradition of male poets writing beautiful verse that sounds very deep, but it's all in order to seduce a girl. Bleeding_Soul, I don't even know whether you're a man or woman, so this could be a really unfair comparison I am making. I'm not saying you were trying for that, just that your poem reminds me of that tradition. One example is a poem by John Donne, where he says, Look, this flea just bit you, and then it bit me. Our blood is mingled inside the flea, why shouldn't we make love then? Nice. Another is Andrew Marvell, To His Coy Mistress. I was going to quote it here, but it's such a good poem (despite being so manipulative ) that I think I will start a new thread to discuss it.

Bottom line, you have written a great poem.

[Bleeding_Soul]

u guys are very, very generous. Once again, thank you so much! Holdonthere- Your thoughts are deep indeed. BTW, I am a female, and I looooove....John Donne's poetry!!

On a personal note- I am still trying to end the tussle between love for myself and love for others (or rather, respect for traditions). I guess this is something that I will learn with time, experience and maturity.

[H0LD0Nthere]

Bleeding_Soul, you love Donne? I am so pleased that I spotted that. I am not even that familiar with his poetry, just have read a few poems.

Good luck in your balancing act. It is one we all face. It can be really hard to tell whether you are being a people pleaser or truly selfless; and whether you are being selfish or just setting good boundaries.

[Nathrad Sheare]

We're all just a bunch of born narcissists trying to learn the art of being selfless. There are those parents who start teaching their children empathy when they're still toddlers like mine did, and there are those who believe in leaving a kid to his own nature and hoping for the best. Either way, we all start out the same and we all have to work endlessly to mold ourselves into people we and others can tolerate for the rest of our lives. There's a reason love has come to be known as an art, and the only art that few, and I mean very few, if any, are born with, and which we all have to learn if we are to live meaningfully. I hope you find meaning in your life, Bleeding_Soul, if you haven't already.

[hannahbm13]

I think this poem is quite brilliant. I love the rhyme scheme and the message itself is beautiful. The word choice too, blew me away.

[AngelFace79]

I really enjoyed this amd i could totally see this being turned into a song I'd you'd allow it.

[Bleeding_Soul]

AngelFace79! Thank you so much for your kind words! I have no ear for music, but yes, it would be interesting to find out what this sounds like as a song