my first poem ..opinion pleases

[chocho]

With a shock I recieved her news,
the mind become the one who refues.
to give up everything and go to rally..
every little bit in my body ,heart and soul travel over the hill and valley..

to be with my sweety little friend through her pain,
I wanted to call her but in vain;
my pain was beyond me to undertake,
thus I kept my self away for her own sake.

now my mind and reason cant take it anymore,,
they go out with my body and soul and soar..

At the moment seeing her no# on my screen,
I set myself as if am acting a comedy scene.

To not show her how much my heart hurts,
for just hearing her says"it hurts"

I hope that I can wipe all her ache,
and be the person who for 'all'can take..

Dont wory sweet friend I am here with you for the long way,,so plez say that ur pain goes away.(:
*dont sleep unles it goes away..


it is my first try :$


I really need your opinion ,, your sincere one of course

[mrsdalloway]

I like these lines:

now my mind and reason cant take it anymore,,
they go out with my body and soul and soar..

I think it's a good poem specially considering it's your first. I myself haven't yet attempted to write one, I'm too afraid. I like the idea behind it (what I understood to be the idea behind it). The only thing that didn't feel quite right to me was the rhyme scheme aabb. It has a folk song quality that increases the pace of the poem which supposedly makes poems more 'cheerful'. So to me it sort of takes away from the depth of feeling a little bit. But I think that all this depends on how you read it and what you are into, really. For example, the rhyme scheme could be a contrast to the depth of feelings described. It could even be slightly disturbing as the reader could interpret the lines as coming from a child. A child undertaking so much pain and being so willing to help to the point of undertaking the pain itself to spear a friend, to me, is quite a powerful concept.

Anyways! Really good poem I wish I had the guts to write one myself!

[Gianlubodai]

it's nice to start writing, write what you feel, without thinking about the words to use, those will come later...

[Sampaio]

Your poem is your vision of the world, your soul, so persist with them and keep writing and one day after another you will have more and more results.

[Tobi Adefila]

Its lovely.