Poetry/Song, Rough Draft.

[AndrewCollar]

The tragedy of the master piece, brought down by the calamity and the painstaking formalities, constant chronic fantasies of normality and families; And too much contemplation over the lies and their complications, still trying for all good reasons but I'm lucidly livid for her treason.
Who's to know why such decisions are made, as they persist the possibilities fade. Nothing more than pain and sorrow, in the end that's what will follow.
These thoughts they seem to persist, going on and on I admit. Nothing more than false hopes, watching as they float. Floating high into the sky, never to be real no matter how hard I try.
Now this frustration and aggravation, doesn't mix good with my determination. All but distortions of my life, adding compulsion to this confusion and plight. So if it's not ment to be, then leave me be in my misery, sincerely me!

[Nathrad Sheare]

Hey, Andrewcollar!

I used to be obsessed with poetry until I got some help... Okay, so they told me to start reading short stories instead and I went home and wrote a poem about the pain I felt at the suggestion... Then I just added prose to poetry and developed an all- out craze... Okay, so I'm in no condition to be wordy at four in the morning.

Your piece is rhythmic and is actually rather elegant. I'm not seeing much detail, though. You give us the feelings your story has provoked, but I'd like to read a bit on your actual experiences. The story is half the poetry. It's you, and we, the readers, want to see as much of that as possible. As a rule, you are unique. Therefore, adding you into your work will make it more unique. I can see you have a gift. Now, all you have to do is refine it by using it on several different aspects of your inner self.

I enjoyed reading this, amico mio. Thank you for the post!

[AndrewCollar]

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions. I was also quite tired when writing that piece. I do agree that it does need a bit of editing and more attention to the detail of the story and it's meaning. I will have to make some changes in the structure of this piece and make it more reader friendly, giving more 'tell' in the story rather than 'show' with just descriptive words alone. Thanks again!

[Hisshep]

Andrew a lot of nice rhymes and flow, but what does it mean?

[AndrewCollar]

The meaning behind the words is having been in love and being betrayed by that love. To of been cheated on and lied to, manipulated and used. To watch the love you had be turned into a tragic story with nothing that can be done to change the outcome. To be stuck inside deep thoughts and disbelief, just wanting it all to all go away. To love and lost and expressing the hurt and pain one can inflict on the human soul with their careless acts of selfishness. Again, this is a rough draft and apologize for any lack of detail or if it seems misleading in its meaning.

-- 06 May 2014, 15:05 --

Also I was attempting to write it as if from a journal entry, hence the "sincerely me!" Like a personal reminder of how love and a family can be lost with a simple action or words.

[Nathrad Sheare]

That's interesting, actually. You could definitely make that work with just a bit more detail. I have that problem with my own poetry not infrequently. Poetry is tricky. When writing it, one has to make a song, create flow, paint a picture, and eschew sentimentality all at the same time. It can drive a guy or a girl up the wall, through the ceiling, and into the cabin of a passenger jet. I've posted some poetry here that needs some editing. I haven't gotten to it yet, but I will. The difficulties of being a poet make the job very interesting. Sometimes I obsess over a poem until it's finished. I can't get it out of my mind. Sometimes I have to just put it somewhere in a journal for awhile and let it be. Then I can pick it up again with a clearer perspective... Oh, the joy... But I can't stop. I'm unstoppable! I'm, like, the Mr. Hyde of writing! Yeah! BELIEVE IT! Not really... Well, you could if you wanted to... Okay, I'm done now...

[AndrewCollar]

Anything I wrote is usually from the thoughts going through my mind at that particular moment. Editing is always needed when the mind moves faster than the hand, so it's like trying to catch a cheetah at full speed with a 4 cylinder car with flat tires; your not going to catch it. So I like to post my rough drafts to get an outside opinion on my writing or poetry to get the feel of another individuals ideology on the subject and the other components of what would be poetry or a song. To have so many thoughts in mind, and those thoughts can't always be grasp at the moment of thinking them, none the less write them down. So as they day, 'Rome wasn't built in a day', neither was the any poem, song, or any other literary writing. It all takes time, in-depth thought, and a keen mind to put it all together whether it's there and then or here an now; or so I think.

-- 07 May 2014, 03:29 --

Anything I write*

[Nathrad Sheare]

Beautifully put, AndrewCollar. I always feel the exact same way. An outsider's opinion is an excellent advantage when one is trying to perfect a new piece. There's no better tool a writer has than that, I believe. I'd like some input on mine, if you have the time. My forum is "I Have A Few Poems of My Own." I'd like to know what you think. There's certainly work to be done on that page. I hope you don't mind...

[maddieee_lynnn]

I really enjoyed how unique this is. I loved how well it flowed and how elegant it was. I definately understand it and can relate, a true sign of a good poet. It brought comfort to me to know that i am not the only one who feels this way, conflicted between my desires and dreams and the way society thinks i should live.

-- 07 May 2014, 18:57 --

I really enjoyed how unique this is. I loved how well it flowed and how elegant it was. I definately understand it and can relate, a true sign of a good poet. It brought comfort to me to know that i am not the only one who feels this way, conflicted between my desires and dreams and the way society thinks i should live.

[David Dawson]

Hi, I'm not sure it does need more detail; poetry is often better when encapsulating a mood than when telling a story. And, more prosaically, the vaguer it is the more universal the appeal. Besides which, if the reader has to work for it, it's more satisfying in the long run.

[AndrewCollar]

Beautifully put, AndrewCollar. I always feel the exact same way. An outsider's opinion is an excellent advantage when one is trying to perfect a new piece. There's no better tool a writer has than that, I believe. I'd like some input on mine, if you have the time. My forum is "I Have A Few Poems of My Own." I'd like to know what you think. There's certainly work to be done on that page. I hope you don't mind...

I would gladly take a look at your poems and offer some opinions on them. I'll take a look tonight. ^_^

-- 07 May 2014, 21:28 --

I really enjoyed how unique this is. I loved how well it flowed and how elegant it was. I definately understand it and can relate, a true sign of a good poet. It brought comfort to me to know that i am not the only one who feels this way, conflicted between my desires and dreams and the way society thinks i should live.

-- 07 May 2014, 18:57 --

I really enjoyed how unique this is. I loved how well it flowed and how elegant it was. I definately understand it and can relate, a true sign of a good poet. It brought comfort to me to know that i am not the only one who feels this way, conflicted between my desires and dreams and the way society thinks i should live.

Thank you so much for your reply to this poem. I appreciate your positive feedback. Poetry is just another great way we express ourselves.

-- 07 May 2014, 21:34 --

Thanks David! Personally i enjoy using words not used that often to help bring what I'm thinking to a more visual perspective. I have many other pieces I've written and some posted on a poetry website; although, I have not been on that specific sight in a while. :-/ In any case thanks everyone for their feedback and opinions on what I've posted here. It's greatly appreciated!! ^_^

[Anna Meyer]

Expecting
- no not a baby
Expecting ...
Like seed expecting the rain to fall
Expecting ...
Like birds expecting the sun to shine
Expecting...
The phone to ring
The music to play
The flowers to open
The smile to break forth on our faces
All because...
We've been expecting the good news
To fall onto our ears
Dropping down our hearts
Answering our expecting hopes
With just the right kind of life-budding song!

[Zion Mesa]

I'd agree with the observation that the rhyme kind of overruled the narrative, still sometimes an implied narrative can be even more powerful at sticking with people.
It all depends on how you want to approach it.