Jeopardy

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

Carla: Sorry...Clint was insistant that I see his gun. He has been inconsolable since all the new regulations talk...

AT: Willkommen zurück. Beantworten Sie die Frage, bitte.

Clintesssential: Bless you... (handing Alex a kleenex)

Carla: What the hell is with all the German and what have you done to your mustashe, Alex...you're starting to creep me out here...

No, Ms. Midler...I was NOT referring to YOUR mustashe. Besides...you hardly notice it given the size of your NOSE...

AT: Back to the game.

BM: It's all a game to you, isn't it Alex? I thought you really cared...

Carla: Great...now you've made her cry. Somebody please get a ream of tissues for Ms. Midler and a mop before we all drown.

Anyway...What is the Alhambra Palace in Granada, Spain, Alex.

and Bette...you're on your own...

CE: (muttering offstage...and they probably won't let me keep that cool Gatling Gun either...)

I'll take Zombie Apocalypse for 1 trillion, Alex...

clintessential...it is good to see you fully recovered and admiring Bette's tatas...

AT: According to Woody Harrelson...this is Rule # 32 in a Zombie Apocalypse.

(and wouldn't Woody be a lovely guest)

[clintessential]

The structure important to Islam is the Kaaba. Rule #32 is Enjoy Simple Things
AT: Welcome Woody Harelson. How goes the struggle?
WH: Splendid. Hemp, hemp, hurrah, I always say.
AT: hmmmmmm? I don't get it Woody.
WH: It's an industry joke Alex. You'd have to
be in show business to get it.
SC, MB, JN, CE, BM, and Carla: OUCH!!!!!!!
AT: I'll ask my sister. Did I tell you she's...
SC, MB, JN, BM, and Carla: YESSSSS!!!
WH: Why don't you take a break Alex? Twitter you're public,
go on-line shopping to get that matching hat, tiara, heels, and handbag
ensemble you've had your eye on for so long, buy another self help book
(for God's sake, get it from somewhere!!)
AT: You're right, that ensembles not going to get any cheaper
WH: OK, Carla. Somos listos?
Carla: Siempre, maestro.
WH: Bueno, escuscha bien. Which town in the Southwest is home
to the London Bridge? The Spruce Goose resides in this state?
What's the Haga Sophia and where is it?
On 29 May 1979 my father(Charlie Harelson) murdered a federal judge
in a town which is also home to this famous architectural stuff.

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

AT: (...hoppping up and down eyes bulging...) How many times do I have to remind you people...in the form of a question please...

Ving Rhames (...leaping to the stage...) Who YOU callin' YOU PEOPLE...

WH: Now just settle down Ving...here try some of this Maui...it will help you relax...

Carla: Dejemos este entonces. Y Alex, he visto a tu hermana. Ella es muy fea.

1. What is Richmond, Alex?

2. What is Oregon Alex.

3. I have no friggin idea...sounds like some sort of Scottish inedible sheep dish they try to pass off as food.

4. Wouldn't Woody be better suited to answer this question.

WH: So...that is what it always comes down to...my DAD...well let me make one thing clear...I am NOT my father...and that damn judge had it coming to him.

Ving Rhames: Brother...this is some gooooood sh...it

Cloud of smoke fills the stage...at first there is a lot of coughing but soon everyone is silly as hell and tipped over the snack machine in the green room...

BM: Oh these snowballs are DIVINE!!!!

AT: (ha ha ha ha ha ha ...ok seriously...ah ha ha ha ha...ok...we must pull ourselves together...) In the category of Plants...this lovely herb is often used to soothe upset stomachs and nerves...but when cats snort or ingest it they act much like we are acting now.

ATS: Okay...where's the Bi.ch that called me ugly...

[clintessential]

AT: See what happens when you allow the criminal element access the jewels of our culture? Scandalous.
Here are THE answers:
1. Lake Havasui CATNIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2.McMinnville, Oregon
3. Haga Sophia is a museum in Istanbul that was a Greek Orthodox Church,
and later a mosque. Scholars believe it is the best representation of the
history, culture, and societies that have occupied Istanbul(Constantinople)
since before Christ.
4. John Wood was a federal judge who was assassinated by Charlie Harelson
in San Antonio, Texas. Remember The Alamo!!
OK, Carla, you'll be happy to know you'll be gaming with the Dean of Game Show Hosts,
Ben Stein.
Carla: No kidding!! Who is he?
Stein: An advocate of the court, an apologist for Richard Nixon, schoolmate of Carl Bernstein
curmudgeon, gadfly, sui juris, and as dry as a martini served in the Sahara on the 4th of July.
All right you two, game on. Tonight's Topic: How Much Do You Know About Dick? All Questions Will Pertain To The Former Prez.
What was the name of the family dog that had once been transported by a Navy Ship?
Mr. Nixon was a member of what faith?
Who opposed Nixon in the "Kitchen Debate?"

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

AT Sister: ...oh I KNOW a LOT about...

Carla: He was talking about the former President, you bimbo...
Stein...not related to the Franken family, by any chance?

BS: I don't find that remotely funny.

WH: ~giggling~

CE: Pothead...

AT: Let's get back to the category please.

clintessential: You're no fun at all...I was just having a chat with your sister about dicks...

Carla: Ok...Who was Checkers? (A dog so great when he died they named a line of fast food after him)

What was Quaker? (And there I thought he HATED oatmeal!)

Who was Nikita Khrushchev?

AT: And now from the category of Foods

This Chef once proclaimed that the only diet food anyone should ever eat is while waiting for the steaks to cook.

This famous Louisiana Chef lost 131 pounds in 1991

This Chef once had a television special where he cooked...but never cleaned up anything. He would toss the dirty pans/bowls and scrapers (off camera) as he went. It was his MO

clintessential...you're up (oh I see...why...AT sister...please put your shirt back on and let him answer the questions.)

[clintessential]

AT: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy.. How is everyone?
ALL: JUST GREAT AT.
Carla: Mas cafe, por favor.!!!!!!
CEssential: Great. You know Alex, your sister really is an EXCEPTIONAL woman. So talented,
so easy, so knowledgeable....she could write the book on the 37th President.
Carla: What's stopping her?
CEssential: Her orals. Until she has those behind her she doesn't want to commit
to anything bigger than what's in front of her. Just one 37th President at a time
she says....
AT: I'm so proud of her. OK. Got some answers for us CEssential?
CEssential: Wolfgang Puck, Paul Pruehomme, Emeril Agasi. (Not sure about Puck).

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

Bzzzzztttt....

AT: Oh...I'm sorry CEssential...the correct answers were Julia child...Paul Pruehomme...and The Frugal Gourmet...

Would you care to pick the next category?

Carla: I'm getting the Julia Childs quote tattooed on me...!!! Ok...maybe not. But it was still a great one!

[clintessential]

AT: How rude of me, Carla. And I'm the one whose such a nerd about the rules.
Here, with apologies, are your culinary questions:
1. The Cajuns altered the Spanish dish paella to make Jambalya. They
substituted tomatoes for this spice, which was not found in the New World. The spice please.
2. This Mexican dish is made from tomatoes, limes, onions, spices, and raw fish. The fish
is "cooked" by the acids in the tomatoes and limes. Como se llama?
3. This is a dish indigenous to lots of countries. Sicilians think it should be served cold.
Conoces esta comida?
3. This delicacy made its debut in WW2. It was served in a tin, and usually eaten with plastic utensils.
It must have been very popular with the Americans; they ate a lot of it. The term is often used
in cyberspace to denote unwelcome e-mail.

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

Carla: Bring it on, Alex...Mike turned me on to Lucozade...I can take on the world...at east until I crash and burn.

1. What is saffron?

2. What is Ceviche? (note: I am NOT trying this one...disgusting.)

3. What is Revenge? “La vendetta es una minestra che se mangia fredda,”

4. What is Spam?

I'll take Sicilians for $500 and a pepper sandwich, Alex.

This famous Sicilian was immortalized in the book Il Gattopardo.

This is the longest river in Sicily.

Which spice added to traditional Italian food lets you know at once that you are in Sicily?

MB: Whya do dey never ask me, these questions. I studied for that Godfather film for...at least two weeks. Do you know how hard it is to talk with your mouth stuffed full of cotton.

Carla: Marlon...I think this would be the perfect time to invoke Omerta...

Clintessential...it's your turn.

[clintessential]

Como estamos, Carla? Panza llena, corizon contenta.(When your stomach is full, your heart is content)
The famous Sicilian is Garibaldi.
Longest river in Italy is The Po.
Oregano lets you know when your really eating Italian.

Here are some culinary preguntas: (BTW getting ALL four of the last questions was outstanding. )
1. This variety of salsa is made from chocolate(Mexican dish)
2. Name two sauces(French) used to dip fondue in.
3. How do you make a White Russian?
4. This licquer(SP?) tastes like licorice. What do the Greeks call it?

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

Como estamos, Carla? Panza llena, corizon contenta.(When your stomach is full, your heart is content)
The famous Sicilian is Garibaldi.
Longest river in Italy is The Po.
Oregano lets you know when your really eating Italian.

Here are some culinary preguntas: (BTW getting ALL four of the last questions was outstanding. )
1. This variety of salsa is made from chocolate(Mexican dish)
2. Name two sauces(French) used to dip fondue in.
3. How do you make a White Russian?
4. This licquer(SP?) tastes like licorice. What do the Greeks call it?

Bzzzttt...

AT: I think you still may be suffering from the flu.

The answers are:

1. Who was Don Fabrizio? (no relation to the air freshener)

2. What is the Salso? (in Sicily...not Italy)

3. What is red chilies? Sicilians put them in everything. Oregano was a good guess...but Sicilian food is served "arrabbiata" or angry.


AT: Nobody likes a smart-ass...

Carla: Just the facts, jack.

AT: Answer your questions.

1. What is Mole sauce.

2. What is cheese sauce or chocolate sauce. (God, I LOVE a good fondue!)

3. Sleep with a Ruskie? No no...that can't be right...Vodka....Kahlua and cream or half and half over ice?

4. Uzo (nectar of the gods)


WH: (waking suddenly) Ain't nobody gonna take my Uzi...lessen they pry it from my cold dead...uh...wha...you aren't Obama...this isn't Alabama...what the hell is going on...?????

AT: I think we were discussing Uzo, Woody. and please quit drooling on the furniture when you nod off...

WH: Sure...sure..I KNEW that...

AT: Pick a Category...someone...please...

For a bunch of bucks...in the category Music: Bob Seger

1. In Bob Seger's song"Roll Me Away" he mentions being 8 hours out of
Mackinaw City...where was he referring to?

2, In another Seger song "Her Strut" who was the song dedicated to/about?

3. Who discovered Bob Seger and gave him his status in the Rock and Roll World.

clintessential?

[clintessential]

You're killing me Carla, I can't keep up!!
1. Twice won Pt Huron to Mackinaw Island race in his sailboat
2. Strut???? Leslie Anne Warren?????
3. His grandfather, Pete, gave him his start in show biz.

Why don't we try something I know like The New York Yankees, famous dogs, famous horses,
guaranteed icebreakers on first dates, questions to trip up Communist spies wandering
around America looking for things to spy on?Hmmmmm?
OK The topic is Comedians(Also the girl ones too)
1. This comedian once said "I don't like anything that isnt illegal, immoral, or fattening."
2. This comedian used to cheer at chess matches, spelling bees, and turtle races. He had the
perfect cheer.
3. This cartoon comedian insists that you "Respect my authorta!!!!!!"
4. This comedian attended Julliard and won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

Bzzzt...

AT: Clintessential...that flu took something out of you.

1. Actually it was 12 hrs out of Mackinaw City...and the place was Rochester Minnesota.

2. Her Strut was written about Jane Fonda (true story)

3. Eddie "Punch" Andrews discovered Seger playing topless bars in Detroit...and went on to make him a star.


Comedians...VERY Funny...

I'll give it the old college try.

1. Who is WC Fields

2. I have no friggin' clue but he/she sounds like fun!

3. Who is Cartman?

4. Who is Robin Williams.

Continuing with the topic comedy, Alex

This Jewish Comedian is famous for his rants.

This British Comedy Troupe was famous for The Life of Brian.

This Political Humor Writer hailing from San Francisco had his own short videos called "A Burst of _______"

This Former War Correspondence/Humor Writer wrote satirical novels about his experiences in the field. "Holiday's in Hell" was one of his books.

Clintessential, it's still your turn...

[clintessential]

The Answers:
1. Who is Lenny Bruce?
2. Who is Monty Python?
3. Who is Herb Caen?
4. Who is PJ O'Rourke?
AT: Feeling any better clintessential?
CE: Is Franco still dead?
AT: Absolutely.
CE: Then I'm just fine, Thank You.
AT: The topic is still comedians
1. This comedianne was married to a comedian. They had their own
TV Show. At the end of the show, she always said goodbye to herself,
instead of her husband.
2. While practicing to do a commercial selling VeetyVitaVegamin, this comedianne got
so drunk she wasn't able to do the commercial.
3.This comedian is remembered for his supporting roles in "I Love Lucy" and "My Three Sons."
4. This comedian used to live IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!!!!!!!!
5. In "Blazing Saddles" this guy implored the bad guys to "do do that voo doo that you do so well."
NB: The Perfect Cheer was the brainchild of Will Ferril, SNL Alum. So Carla: ddtvdtydsw!!!!!

[Carla Hurst-Chandler]

AT: Welcome back to Jeopardy...I'm your host and tonight's double secret guest...fresh from the inauguration...President Barack Obama (applause)

Well...Mr. President? To what, do you attribute your re-election?

BO: Well Alex, I'm just going to lay it out on the table for you. zziiippp..."THUD"

AT: Well..I can certainly see your point...would you mind getting it out of my eye.

BM: "thud"

AT: Will someone bring round the smelling salts for Ms. Midler...

Carla: Impressive. Now if you gentlemen are through "horsing" around I will answer the questions.

1.Who was Gracie Burns?

2. Don't have a bloody clue...but it sounds first-rate!

3. Was it Cheech or Chong?

4. Who was Mel Brooks.

Since the President is here...(OMG guys...would you please put those things away before you HURT yourselves and pay attention) the new Category is Presidents for another gadzillion, Alex.

1. This former President of the Soviet Union was instrumental in bringing democracy to Russia.

2. This President was the not-so-secret lover of American Icon Marilyn Monroe.

3. This President was responsible for the creation of the CCC.

4. This President earned the monniker of Post Turtle in Texas.

Clintessential...???