Your First Sentence(s)

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 03 Jul 2014, 15:42

I like the "lie fallow" phrase, very elegant.

tangowithParis · Post by **tangowithParis** » 03 Jul 2014, 18:57

I realize that's not how they talk in the "real South." Under these circumstances,
the women wouldn't have talked at all. And "favorite granddaughters" only get
favored treatment when they're with the one whose favored them. The incident actually
took place. I wasn't the only one angry with my wife(she had put me in an incredibly dangerous situation). The rank and file were angry because she had made
a collosol breach of protocol. They were expecting her to attend. But not with her
yankee husband. And yankee is spelled with lower case when it's johnny reb whose saying it.
My "writing"is in its infancy. And is too raw to be considered eligible for publication.
At this stage, I'm not keen on character's names, make and model of vehicle, or offending the memory of a robber baron. I'm trying to write prose that will interest
a discerning readership. Hopefully, before The Klan wins the White House. I'm giving
myself plenty of room.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 03 Jul 2014, 20:25

Not sure which robber baron you are talking about. Regardless, you've got to be careful using real names or even making passing references about public figures. A case in point: A recent book (I forget the actual title) was the bio of a SEAL who was the most "successful" sniper ever -- the most kills. In his book, he related an incident (whether it actually happened I don't know) where some SEALs were in a "military" bar in California and chanced upon a certain former actor and former governor who has at times claimed to have been a special ops US soldier. And apparently the "tough guy" was beaten up by the SEALs for bragging about nonexistent deeds. Later the book's author was killed at a shooting range in Texas by a mentally disturbed vet. Well, the former governor is STILL suing the dead guy's estate for damages in the book. Even if he loses the case, the lawsuit will cost the widow thousands.

As a published "arthur" I am just making suggestions re. anybody's writing that posted in this forum. The section is, after all, an authors' forum. And unless it's a "dear diary" sort of writing, ALL writing should eventually be directed toward eventual publication.

Writing "dialect" is nowadays considered passe' and most editors will reject this out of hand. It's considered demeaning. Imagine the racist dialect of movies like "Gone With the Wind" and you can realize how insidious it is. And regardless of whether the group "speaking" the dialect is comprised of African-Americans or Anglos or Asians, whomever, using dialect to categorize them is nowadays verboten.

Inserting a little slang is fine, and natural: "I'm gonna have another beer." or "We got to leave now." is acceptable, because not every character uses King's English all the time -- in real life, most people don't, educated or not. But we need to avoid stereotypes, even if they're racist bigots and Klan Grand Dragons. If it's not offensive, it's nevertheless considered trite and "pushing the envelope" of trying to create colorful or realistic dialogue.

So a word of advice -- go very easy on the dialect or your writing may not be taken seriously, and instead judged as juvenile.

Realize it's not me who is making the evaluation or judgment -- I'm just telling you how editors or agents see it.

Btw, the Klan is mostly dead now, ancient. Haters still abound but the Klan winning the White House just ain't gonna happen, dude.

tangowithParis · Post by **tangowithParis** » 03 Jul 2014, 21:43

@moderntimes I think you missed my drift. The entire passage from "Claudette said"
to "where the sun is illegal" is a goof. So is "Before the Klan wins the White House.
I'm giving myself plenty of room." In fact preposterous. Here are some other tip offs.
"Pascagoula". She's so big she's got a shipyard hidden in her bra. Boa added to possum
pie, makes it yankee possum pie. The author was in such a hurry, he forgot to steal
a "souvenir" towel with the town's name on it. I'm outta glue.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 04 Jul 2014, 03:05

I may have missed the "sun is illegal" because that phrase isn't anywhere in the text you listed. And I know the name "Pascagoula" being a city in Mississippi, too. That doesn't mean that some person wouldn't have that nickname.

Regardless... extensive use of dialect, even in a satire, is a show stopper for most readers. They will accept some, but after a paragraph, just stop reading. And that's something you never want to cause a reader to do.

This entire thread isn't about posting nonexistent passages -- it's about posting "real" passages from books (or stories) you're writing. And I'm reiterating that extensive use of jargon or dialect in dialogue is not something that gets published. Maybe in 1946, but not now.

Tseve87 · Post by **Tseve87** » 23 Jul 2014, 17:15

"Sixteen year old Chloe was in the middle of the dance floor of the new club"

Its still in the beginning stages I try and make sure that the first sentence catches the readers attention that way it makes them interested. I believe that its that first line that makes you want to read more and drag you further into the story.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 23 Jul 2014, 18:37

Tse, you might try to invoke some feelings or sentiment instead of just stating a fact. Such as:

"Chloe was as happy as she could remember in her sixteen years. She was on the dance floor of the new teen hangout, she was wearing the short, snappy dress she'd borrowed from Karen, and she was certain that Matt was watching her."

Tseve87 · Post by **Tseve87** » 23 Jul 2014, 18:43

Thanks for the tip like i said its a working progress so I apprecate the thoughts I like getting feedback it helps me improve my writing

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 23 Jul 2014, 19:53

Tse, just a suggestion -- what you actually write has to come from within, of course. But at first glance, your sentence stated facts but didn't get us "involved" in the person.

And although the thread is "first sentence" it really should be "first impressions" -- if you're writing a short story, especially one meant for impact, then yes, that first sentence needs to grab the reader. But longer fiction, as a novel, the reader understands a more lengthy theme is meant, and so the "first sentence" can easily become "first paragraph" (or longer) and still sustain the reader's attention. For example, here's the first para from my 2nd novel, "Blood Storm" (a private detective thriller):

"It was nearly midnight when I stepped off the splintery wooden porch of the tavern and headed toward my car. I’d finished my tedious business with the bar owner and only wanted to get my weary self home before Houston dumped yet another rain squall on my head."

What did I do? I set the time and place (Houston and night), the weather, the possibly ratty condition of the tavern, "tedious" telling us that the narrator is peeved and irritated, and that he's weary and would rather be home. I also set the tone of the story -- brisk, modern, introspective, and very personalized.

So I emotionally involved the reader inside the head of the narrator (or tried to, who quickly afterward finds himself shot at) and hopefully engage the readers' interest.

What I'd recommend with your story is to try to similarly place the reader into the head of the protagonist, Chloe, by telling us something about how she feels this night, on that dance floor, just a few words will suffice. But let the words be yours, not mine -- just consider my suggestions, okay?

Tseve87 · Post by **Tseve87** » 23 Jul 2014, 20:59

I will and again I apprecate it thank you I am actually rewriting the entire thing because I found it doesn't flow well and need rewrites its a new story so I usually end up changing a lot of it before I'm happy with a direction. I usually only let one person read anything i write so even puttinhg this one sentence on here was new for me and I do really apprecate the suggestions

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 24 Jul 2014, 08:12

Tse, first of all, understand that I'm only one person and that you need to please your own inner critic rather than placate someone else (unless, of course, that's your editor who's paying you for your writing! ha ha).

But a short story as you indicated you're writing, you've got to weigh every word, every clause, because you don't have time to enchant the reader w. longer paragraphs of exposition. You need to put the reader straight into the story and do it from the outset.

In your original sentence, you had Chloe on the dance floor but your point of view was external. We, the readers, saw her standing there, yes, but did we know anything about how she felt being there? No. Was she thrilled to be there because Brad was watching her? Or was she frightened and jittery because Brad was watching her? (or something like that, you decide).

So rather than have the narrative be external, make it internal. Instead of us (readers) looking at Chloe, have Chloe "looking out" to the world. In that first sentence, try to tell the reader what Chloe's thinking, how she feels about being on that dance floor -- happy? tentative? and so on...

Also, don't worry about rewriting. That's actually 75% of the job that most writers face. I can't tell you how many times I've revised and restructured my novels -- and that's just for my own "internal editor"! A lot more of the revision comes when you hear back from the editor who bought your story and has revisions to recommend. It's a constant process. So be flexible and fluid, but at the same time, maintain your own "voice" and stick to it. Hope this helps...

Ncuffee21 · Post by **Ncuffee21** » 25 Jul 2014, 03:19

This is from a story I am currently working on

"I once had a dream about a girl who looked exactly like me, but was nothing like me. I pray it was only a dream."

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 25 Jul 2014, 09:42

Nc, saying "Once I had..." is like saying "Once upon a time..." and it's the stylistic kiss of death for anything other than fairy stories for toddlers. It sets the story apart from the reader by placing it into the past and removes any tension or drama from the initial premise.

My recommendation is to place a sense of immediacy into your story. Something like...

"In my dream I looked like me but was someone else entirely, a girl who was so different that she filled me with fear. I pray it was only a dream."

Ncuffee21 · Post by **Ncuffee21** » 25 Jul 2014, 11:37

moderntimes wrote:Nc, saying "Once I had..." is like saying "Once upon a time..." and it's the stylistic kiss of death for anything other than fairy stories for toddlers. It sets the story apart from the reader by placing it into the past and removes any tension or drama from the initial premise.

My recommendation is to place a sense of immediacy into your story. Something like...

"In my dream I looked like me but was someone else entirely, a girl who was so different that she filled me with fear. I pray it was only a dream."

I actually loved the way you phased it. I am currently making edits to my first chapter. I appreciate the advice.

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 25 Jul 2014, 13:00

Glad to help. And always realize that I'm just one writer to another, and my opinions are meant to help stimulate toward a better product. So anything I say is to be taken w. a grain of salt.

Now, when you sell your story and your editor "recommends" changes, take those as gold. Because the publisher and editor are the ones who are writing the check!