My Story

pretzelsnow · Post by **pretzelsnow** » 03 Dec 2014, 11:38

Hello all book love and passionate writers! I was writing a short and I was wondering what you all think of it. You can view it by clicking or copy and paste docs.google.com/document/d/13LEw4IJkU5x ... sp=sharing
Please look this over(I hope you will like it) and comment directly on google docs.There will be a white box that will say comment and if you click that you can comment or you can directly post your comments here on this topic.Please help and thank you very much,fellow writers!

Skillian · Post by **Skillian** » 03 Dec 2014, 12:59

Cool. I'll check it out and get back to you.

tracyanncook80 · Post by **tracyanncook80** » 03 Dec 2014, 13:49

Hi there. Could not see the Google comment box?

pretzelsnow · Post by **pretzelsnow** » 03 Dec 2014, 15:00

tracyanncook80 wrote:Hi there. Could not see the Google comment box?

Then please comment right here Tracy.Thanks!

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 03 Dec 2014, 22:17

One part of my day is spent reviewing novels, so I'll be happy to provide some advice. And I've got 2 purchased and published novels, quite a few short stories, articles, essays, etc., most all which I received actual money for. So I speak from a modest publishing and literary background...

ONE: Change the font! It's "cute" and hard to read. Use Times New Roman 12pt and nothing else. You will NOT get your writing considered for purchase or taken seriously if you use a gimmicky font. Sorry but that's the truth.

TWO: You've got way too many typos in just one paragraph. I didn't read further. A quick survey and I may have missed some of them...

Della Cruz was a single woman that [who -- "that" is for objects] resided in her acute, [space] cozy apartment with her terrier Clay. Her neighbor, [space] Gordon [comma] was known to her for giving wild parties all night. Della felt cranky and out-of-sorts the next day, [space] as she in vain tried again and again to fall asleep but she couldn’t because of the loud music next door. She groggily dressed and got ready for work, [space] not knowing what the day will bring…

Also... you needed to use past perfect and used past: "she had tried in vain" is correct here.

not knowing what the day [would, not will] bring... -- would implies unknown, will implies knowing.

You need to be meticulous with yourself and unforgiving, ferreting out ALL typos carefully. When an editor or agent or whomever reads your submission, each time a typo is discovered, there's a little silent "click" in the head of the reader, and if the clicking tally reaches a certain point, the reader will simply reject your submission outright, regardless of the story inherent. That's how it is in the world of publishing -- you don't want a single typo to come between you and the purchase of your manuscript.

Sorry, but you did ask.

Skillian · Post by **Skillian** » 03 Dec 2014, 22:45

moderntimes wrote:One part of my day is spent reviewing novels, so I'll be happy to provide some advice.

ONE: Change the font! It's "cute" and hard to read. Use Times New Roman 12pt and nothing else. You will NOT get your writing to be considered for purchase or taken seriously if you use a gimmicky font. Sorry but that's the truth.

TWO: You've got way too many typos in just one paragraph. I didn't read further. A quick survey and I may have missed some of them...

I completely agree. I was put off by the font.. and then there are all kinds of spacing errors right off the bat.. especially around commas. Over all, I think it is a nice attempt... just needs some refining in some spots... expansion in others... and more proofreading overall. The consistency is way off for me.

Some things like... 'she told him and ran off to her room and slammed the door after her.' That just doesn't read well in my mind... sounds like a run-on.

There is also a major jump between a cigarette smoker then suddenly running for her life. I got totally lost there. Also, not to be nit-picky.. but over and over again I have heard it stated that the whole empathy for a dog thing is just so overused... and also maybe some more emotional description. Then wait how was Clay miraculously saved? hahaha. And they why is she shouting no after Clay is saved? I got completely lost. I also found it super unrelatable ... who would be like... sorry you're going to have to watch your dog burn to death since out shelter doesn't take dogs. Or was Clay already saved? Again the timeline ... I just got lost. I also think usually they take people straight to the hospital and not much talking happens other than 'what happened?!?!' and general shock and aw. I have no idea thought I've never been in that situation. And I really don't see people being so unsympathetic that they would let her and her dog be homeless... especially when such a tragedy JUST happened.

I do admire the attempt, and the choice that the main character would choose the hard path and try to change a worldview. However, I don't feel like I either lived it through awesome description... or that I even know any of the characters at all. It wasn't deep enough for me.

I suggest a rewrite for sure. You can do it... just keep at it.

-- 03 Dec 2014, 22:47 --

Oh moderntimes added since I first opened the tab! haha. I agree with the additions as well. And I also share sentiments in feeling kind of bad for having criticism... but yes they did ask! haha. It is constructive though!

pretzelsnow · Post by **pretzelsnow** » 04 Dec 2014, 06:57

Thank you very much for your constructive criticism.It really did help and I will try to implement those changes into my writing. I read a quote somewhere that constructive criticism before the editor edits it is worth gold!So I honestly thank you all.

-- Thu Dec 04, 2014 7:02 am --

I am locking this post because I will make these changes right now.Skillian and modertimes I will PM you the final copy and see what you think about it!Thanks again!

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 04 Dec 2014, 09:34

Please be more careful about missing spaces between sentences. In BOTH your posts you jam the start of a new sentence up against the end of the previous one. Such as "...criticism.It really did..." and "...worth gold!So I..."

This was evident in your story too. Somehow you've gotten into the habit of not spacing once after the end of a sentence. Please check your writing carefully and add spaces where needed.

NOBODY, and I mean this, Nobody will accept a manuscript that is full of errors. Your writing must be 100% error free. If this means re-reading your own writing 405 times, then that is what must be done. If you're a famous person like Hillary Clinton then you'll have books ghost written for you and people will gush and praise you. But everyday people who are trying to write well need to prepare a manuscript that is meticulously proofread. Be harsh with yourself and accept nothing less than perfection.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but this is how it works in the field of writing. There are so many submissions to editors or agents, and they can pick and choose at will. And submissions that are full of errors will not be read seriously. The thought is this: "If the author doesn't care enough about the writing to send us an error free manuscript, why should we care about publishing it?"

One more caveat. I only read the first section of your story but as Skillian said, your timeline and narrative thread jump around too much. If you're showing the insides of the brain of a disorganized person, then yes, the thread may be inconsistent. But if it's a 3rd person narrative told via the omniscient 3rd person, then that narrative must be fairly linear and not jump back and forth in the timeline. Even in your first paragraph, you skip ahead and then return to the loud party and it was confusing. Just think of what an experienced editor would think about this. The answer would be "TBNT" (thanks but no thanks) and a rejection.