I would love some input on this.
- Batesblogger
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I would love some input on this.
Basically..I have my prologue. What do ya'll think so far?
Prologue
The child looked around her, confusion plain on her pale face. Grey stones rose from the mists, like sentinels glaring down upon her. She raised her hand to catch a snowflake on her palm, and jumped, the small gray flake left a red welt. Ash. An acrid, horrid smell burnt its way into her lungs.
"Hello?" she asked in a trembling voice. It echoed eerily through the dark.
The girl started walking, meandering, really, through the tall stones. Silent tears streamed gritty tracks down her face. Small holes from wandering ash burnt through fabric to scald her tender skin.
Suddenly she stopped, her whole body quivering. The mist was changing, pulsating a pale, sickly green. A scream wrenched past her lips. The light had illuminated what the fog had hidden. The stones. Gravestones. Hundreds of them. Carved in circular patterns were strange runes. It was from these runes that the odd green light was emanating.
One marker, larger than the others, loomed before her. As the green light grew stronger, she could barely make out three shapes beneath it. The girl managed to take one step, then one more, before fainting.
At the base of the tombstone were the bodies of her family.
The girl had the same dream every night for two weeks. Then suddenly, it was gone. A night of peace and innocence. It would be her last.
When she woke, it was to a city pulsating with screams of terror and wails of panic. The word was whispered frantically among the rich, wrenched from the poor.
Plague.
Its destruction was swift and fierce. No home was left untouched. The girl’s father fell first, he managed to last two weeks. Her mother didn't last two days. The wracking coughs tore the babe from her belly long before his time.
She huddled in a corner, small fist pressed tight against her lips. The midwife worked frantically, trying to staunch the blood. Every time she managed to halt it, another fit of coughing would shake through her mother’s body, and the bleeding would begin again.
Eventually the midwife gave up. They all did. No one tried to fight the sickness, the carts stopped coming, and bodies lay where they fell. And one small girl knew the truth.
She had brought the epidemic.
Languages never spoken.
Colors that should not be.
Lives never opened.
Eyes that never see.
And then the page is turned, a universe created.
We are gods.
- Skillian
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I think so-far-so-good. Its a good start with a lot of potential. Don't worry too much about being cliche. Just get to writing.. .and you can edit out anything you want to change later. It might be even easier to go about it in a re-write than to worry about it in a first draft. Then you can look at each specific cliche and plug in something more interesting instead.
- Batesblogger
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Languages never spoken.
Colors that should not be.
Lives never opened.
Eyes that never see.
And then the page is turned, a universe created.
We are gods.
- TLGabelman
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As far as the story goes so far, i think it sounds interesting. Im not super into sci-fi where warcraft is involved. I just have a very hard time picturing that aspect of a book. I would love to see how this story develops and how you expand on the story line.
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride
- Skillian
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And that would be interesting for her to be put in a situation where she has to choose herself... because it seems that a lot of times women are kind of expected to sacrifice themselves... and that is their only power or influence is to be even more selfless. So like if she is in a situation where she knows she needs to be the one to live because she is the one who can do.. whatever needs to be done for greater good etc. However your story is going to go. It could be really interesting.
- Avid SciFi Fan
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Some things that were unclear to me (maybe I read it too fast) How did she cause the plauge (mentined in the last sentence)?
You may not have gotten this far yet, but what makes her special and proven worthy for training? Was it something about the plague (or causing it)? or is this something that is proven in training at the convent?
I know you said you are far from starting, but did you at least outline where you want the story to go after the training is complete? Does the whole book focus on her early years and all of the training? or does this lead her into a battle scene at the end (or lead into other books)?
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