Please help!

pretzelsnow · Post by **pretzelsnow** » 17 Dec 2014, 09:52

Hello fellow writers,

I was wondering if you could edit or do a review for what I think is my amazing short fantasy story!Thanks!

Puff! The cloud shut it's lips on Celina. She was trapped and felt that to her very bone and she's couldn't shake off the sensation that she was nowhere. Knowing this,she decided to make the best of her situation right then and right there. Bravery was needed for her to survive. She slowly and cautiously opened her eyelids and took a mental picture of the surroundings. She stumbled upon something that looked like a slide; when she squinted to take a closer look, she saw it.This "slide"was a vibrant,bright rainbow with the colors red,orange,yellow,green,blue,indigo, and violet wrapped up like in a perfect ribbon. Her eyeballs were bulging out of her sockets as the childhood enticement returned.She was going to try that slide if was the last thing she would do. While she was analyzing the best way to climb it, a sweet and honey voice beside her startled her by whispering, "I can help you." Celina whirled around,her ponytail hitting her neck. Who was talking to her?Why couldn't she see anything. She peered intently and then seeing nothing normal gave up trying. She suddenly felt pulled by some other force from her backside and pulled up into the summit of the rainbow slide. Shouting with glee, Celina put her legs up and slid down!The experience was so lovely that this fun-loving person had to try it again. So for the next full hour Celina slid on the rainbow, heightening her happiness, and the slide never lost it's glory.

When she sat again for the last time on the top of the slide and was about to slide down, when the mysterious outer force grabbed her from behind again, bringing her to an even more glorious sight. It was a forest of the most green and strong peach trees Celina had ever seen. And the fruit, oh the fruit had a heavenly taste and addition to it. Celina's taste buds awakened like never before and she just couldn't stop sucking this fruit. The wind was swaying in a gentle melody, soothing her like nothing before in her life. She wished she could capture that music and listen to it all the time,forever.

Without warning the mysterious outer force came and transported her to the wonderland of this magical world.This wonderland had a lot of colored cubes and so when Celina started skipping down the lane she suddenly, without warning got sucked into one of them. There was the most gigantic library or bookstore she had ever seen in her life. There were books everywhere, and of every kind,color,shape, and size. She pulled out a random book and got so much inside the story that she was very disappointing when the outer force pulled her out and then into another cube.In this cube there were rooms and rooms or computers,notebooks,pencils and pens. All she had to do is sit down and start typing her story.This was the story she typed.

Himmelslicht · Post by **Himmelslicht** » 17 Dec 2014, 11:49

Let me tell you righ off the bat that I don't usually review things and I am very HONEST with what I review (and that means I will sound very harsh).
Why?
I'm not a native English-speaker but right from the first sentence I noticed grammar mistakes. While I kept on reading I found even more mistakes: grammar error, agreement errors, the wrong punctuation, lacking spaces between sentences and/or ideas, poor verb conjugation, etc.
Story-wise, it's too little to judge anything by it. If you haven't shown the real story, I can't make anything up from there.
Long story short: you have a long way to go.

pretzelsnow · Post by **pretzelsnow** » 17 Dec 2014, 12:00

Thanks!

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 18 Dec 2014, 19:51

I corrected the major typos. There may be more:

Puff! The cloud shut it's [its] lips on Celina. She was trapped and felt that to her very bone and she's [she] couldn't shake off the sensation that she was nowhere. Knowing this,[space]she decided to make the best of her situation right then and right there. Bravery was needed for her to survive. She slowly and cautiously opened her eyelids and took a mental picture of the surroundings. She stumbled upon something that looked like a slide; when she squinted to take a closer look, she saw it.[space]This "slide"[space]was a vibrant, [space]bright rainbow with the colors red, [space]orange, [space]yellow, [space]green, [space]blue, [space]indigo, and violet wrapped up like in a perfect ribbon. Her eyeballs were bulging out of her sockets as the childhood enticement returned. [space]She was going to try that slide if was the last thing she would do. While she was analyzing the best way to climb it, a sweet and honey voice beside her startled her by whispering, "I can help you." Celina whirled around, [space]her ponytail hitting her neck. Who was talking to her? [space]Why couldn't she see anything[?, no period]. She peered intently and then[comma] seeing nothing normal[comma] gave up trying. She suddenly felt pulled by some other force from her backside and pulled up into the summit of the rainbow slide. Shouting with glee, Celina put her legs up and slid down! [space]The experience was so lovely that this fun-loving person had to try it again. So for the next full hour Celina slid on the rainbow, heightening her happiness, and the slide never lost it's[its] glory.

When she sat again for the last time on the top of the slide and was about to slide down, when the mysterious outer force grabbed her from behind again, bringing her to an even more glorious sight. It was a forest of the most green and strong peach trees Celina had ever seen. And the fruit, oh the fruit had a heavenly taste and addition to it. Celina's taste buds awakened like never before and she just couldn't stop sucking this fruit. The wind was swaying in a gentle melody, soothing her like nothing before in her life. She wished she could capture that music and listen to it all the time, [space]forever.

Without warning the mysterious outer force came and transported her to the wonderland of this magical world. [space]This wonderland had a lot of colored cubes and so when Celina started skipping down the lane she suddenly, without warning[comma] got sucked into one of them. There was the most gigantic library or bookstore she had ever seen in her life. There were books everywhere, and of every kind, [space]color, [space]shape, and size. She pulled out a random book and got so much inside the story that she was very disappointing when the outer force pulled her out and then into another cube. [space]In this cube there were rooms and rooms or[of?] computers, [space]notebooks, [space]pencils[comma] and pens. All she had to do is sit down and start typing her story. [space]This was the story she typed.

------------ I don't know your age. If you're quite young, I encourage you to keep writing! Learn to punctuate correctly. But commenting on the story itself, it's okay if the author is a youngster. Your story seems like fun for young kids to read, but you need to provide more explanation of the situation -- right now, the focus jumps around too fast and there are no connecting (transition) sentences. You do have imagination, which is good. Now you have to learn how to better describe what you're imagining. The best way to learn to write correctly is to read lots of other stories. You've written a little fantasy tale, so you should read other fantasy writers, the famous ones, and see how they handle the pieces of the story. But as a young kid, you do want to write, and this is very good. Now you need to learn the tricks of the trade.

pretzelsnow · Post by **pretzelsnow** » 19 Dec 2014, 16:55

Thank you moderntimes(I a really young teen:)

moderntimes · Post by **moderntimes** » 19 Dec 2014, 17:55

Glad to help. Remember that your writing needs to be improved and worked for, because this is important.

When you submit your story for sale to a publisher, it's got to be 100% free from mechanical errors. Even if the story is good, the editor who decides on buying your story will mentally click you down a notch with every error. If there are a lot of errors, no matter if your story is a good one, it often goes unpublished. So typos and mechanical errors are something that you must learn to totally fix. This takes hard work. Just think about this... my new novel is 65,000 words. I "finished" the book in April, but it took until September until I'd gone through the book, over and over and over until I had fixed all the errors. Every writer does the same, and it's what you must also do. It's part of being a writer.

With regard to the style or the "story" (not the mechanical errors), you need to take your time. In other words, you need to add more "exposition" -- your character jumps too fast from moment to moment, almost like it's a dream. What works best is to spend more words explaining how your character moves along in her adventures. You've already got the idea -- now you need to enlarge on it.

Good luck!