Please Critique me!
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Srebak
- Posts: 4
- Joined: 25 Sep 2010, 21:17
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Please Critique me!
I am a young man who is considering publishing my books. But due to monetary lackings, i can't afford to publish with those big companies. So I attempted to find one that may do it for free.
I found two possible candidates, but i was told that i'd best get my work copyrighted first and they had a point. But upon further thought, i had another issue to consider.
When i originally started writing what could be considered real books, i got ideas for them from certain things i saw on television. Some may have been subconscieously.
When i presented them to a few people i knew in Middle School, they all said they liked them. But honestly, i don't recall i told them of my source material and these days, that's starting to eat at me.
Now i need someone to critique my work. If i do decide to do business with the aformentioned publishers, i need to know if it would be wise to submit my first set of books. Part of me finds that the 2 in-progress books i have are somewhat better. But the other half considers all the people who read my original set and liked them and wants to start of my career with my original works.
As much as i feel i'll regret doing this, i'm going to copy and paste my said original set and if you please, you'll read them and tell me how much or how little they compare to what i feel they are like. Once again, if you would be so kind.
My original book, Sea of Mystery and Distance and it's 2 sequels were inspired by the Simpsons episode "Diatribe of a mad housewife", but has aspects of Brian Jacques' book series Redwall (or at least from what i saw from the TV series). Please, if you know what i'm talking about, tell me how much or how little they compare to my work
SEA OF MYSTERY AND DISTANCE
Chapter one
Black tales of black water
My life is a cruel one, not different than that of Macbeth or of the king of Denmark but if my life was to be on another I would have laughed aloud I am Thaddeus pike a cabin boy on the black manta and all I get is scraps of fish and days old ale blaww and under the tyranny of my captain and master scarface ratlang named for his reputation as a bilgrat or sea rat, he is the scourge of the seven seas, he and his blasted troops would sail to any village, castle or kingdom and plunder it of all its food and money if you couldn’t pay with money you pay with your life at his cold jagged blade
Now I’m sure your thinking how I got in such a situation Capt. Scar and his pirates invaded my home in wolf valley, he plundered my village, he burned down my house, and he ordered his horde to kill my parents and younger sister! He took me as a slave if I refuse his orders I would be reunited with my parents and sister thus I was forced into his servitude we are now on our way to Capt. Scar’s seashore domain Hunters castle with his hundreds of slaves from whom he captured from far lands to run his land and when we get back they will toss me in that cold old pit for the reason that they out class me
even as we speak we reached the docks and they took me to the pit as I hear my friends ballena and walter’s pain as they get struck by the guards whip while dogs barked at me on chains as the guards dropped me in the pit, especially first mate dark claw oh that dark claw he is the worst of all of Capt. Scar’s men and more willing to kill but has just as black of heart I hope to escape to the land of magic a land swarming with milk and honey with my friends with me along with the other slaves whom I also plan to liberate, but to do that I have to run Capt. Scar out and destroy hunters castle I will kill capt. Scar, I will free my slaves and I will avenge my family I am the thadeus pike the soon to be free I am that is my time is soon to be free
Chapter twelve
(The ending conflict)
And so the fight went on Capt. Scar and his pirates vs. me and my friends although many of the slaves had been injured but captain scar’s men also fell back to get more weapons so we used this time to regroup and to get a plan of attack
“All right then men here’s the plan the seagull & the trio will fly up to sky over hunter’s castle and drop some stones then the squirrels will climb the tree and jump on top of them then we tell mighty to splash and wash some of the pirates down then we charge” I said “I don’t know thaddeus will this plan work?” asked nora “it will work nora it will” I said so we put my plan to action, it worked and we got into hunter’s castle so we fought the pirates in battle
I saw Capt. Scar got a spear and charged him with it he saw me and got out of the way and tried to run me through with his sword but I blocked it with my spear and we battled up the wall I pushed him in a bucket down to the ground he lived he then grab the seagull “surrender your army to me or your bird friend dies” said scar “all right all right I’ll come down and give you my spear” I said “okay then come down and surrender to captain scarface ratlang the great” scar gloated as I cut the rope that held up the spare wood and stones that all fell on top of scar “poor brother and all the slaves are gone and all my men are gone oh well at least I can now depend on you old friend (squawk) old friend old friend” said salty and his parrot we were victorious and it turns out that leena knows where the land of magic is she led us to the land we had the milk and honey for the rest of our lives all of us has made it even the sea creatures joined us as a family we had a glorious adventure and I would never have asked for another
THE END
I found two possible candidates, but i was told that i'd best get my work copyrighted first and they had a point. But upon further thought, i had another issue to consider.
When i originally started writing what could be considered real books, i got ideas for them from certain things i saw on television. Some may have been subconscieously.
When i presented them to a few people i knew in Middle School, they all said they liked them. But honestly, i don't recall i told them of my source material and these days, that's starting to eat at me.
Now i need someone to critique my work. If i do decide to do business with the aformentioned publishers, i need to know if it would be wise to submit my first set of books. Part of me finds that the 2 in-progress books i have are somewhat better. But the other half considers all the people who read my original set and liked them and wants to start of my career with my original works.
As much as i feel i'll regret doing this, i'm going to copy and paste my said original set and if you please, you'll read them and tell me how much or how little they compare to what i feel they are like. Once again, if you would be so kind.
My original book, Sea of Mystery and Distance and it's 2 sequels were inspired by the Simpsons episode "Diatribe of a mad housewife", but has aspects of Brian Jacques' book series Redwall (or at least from what i saw from the TV series). Please, if you know what i'm talking about, tell me how much or how little they compare to my work
SEA OF MYSTERY AND DISTANCE
Chapter one
Black tales of black water
My life is a cruel one, not different than that of Macbeth or of the king of Denmark but if my life was to be on another I would have laughed aloud I am Thaddeus pike a cabin boy on the black manta and all I get is scraps of fish and days old ale blaww and under the tyranny of my captain and master scarface ratlang named for his reputation as a bilgrat or sea rat, he is the scourge of the seven seas, he and his blasted troops would sail to any village, castle or kingdom and plunder it of all its food and money if you couldn’t pay with money you pay with your life at his cold jagged blade
Now I’m sure your thinking how I got in such a situation Capt. Scar and his pirates invaded my home in wolf valley, he plundered my village, he burned down my house, and he ordered his horde to kill my parents and younger sister! He took me as a slave if I refuse his orders I would be reunited with my parents and sister thus I was forced into his servitude we are now on our way to Capt. Scar’s seashore domain Hunters castle with his hundreds of slaves from whom he captured from far lands to run his land and when we get back they will toss me in that cold old pit for the reason that they out class me
even as we speak we reached the docks and they took me to the pit as I hear my friends ballena and walter’s pain as they get struck by the guards whip while dogs barked at me on chains as the guards dropped me in the pit, especially first mate dark claw oh that dark claw he is the worst of all of Capt. Scar’s men and more willing to kill but has just as black of heart I hope to escape to the land of magic a land swarming with milk and honey with my friends with me along with the other slaves whom I also plan to liberate, but to do that I have to run Capt. Scar out and destroy hunters castle I will kill capt. Scar, I will free my slaves and I will avenge my family I am the thadeus pike the soon to be free I am that is my time is soon to be free
Chapter twelve
(The ending conflict)
And so the fight went on Capt. Scar and his pirates vs. me and my friends although many of the slaves had been injured but captain scar’s men also fell back to get more weapons so we used this time to regroup and to get a plan of attack
“All right then men here’s the plan the seagull & the trio will fly up to sky over hunter’s castle and drop some stones then the squirrels will climb the tree and jump on top of them then we tell mighty to splash and wash some of the pirates down then we charge” I said “I don’t know thaddeus will this plan work?” asked nora “it will work nora it will” I said so we put my plan to action, it worked and we got into hunter’s castle so we fought the pirates in battle
I saw Capt. Scar got a spear and charged him with it he saw me and got out of the way and tried to run me through with his sword but I blocked it with my spear and we battled up the wall I pushed him in a bucket down to the ground he lived he then grab the seagull “surrender your army to me or your bird friend dies” said scar “all right all right I’ll come down and give you my spear” I said “okay then come down and surrender to captain scarface ratlang the great” scar gloated as I cut the rope that held up the spare wood and stones that all fell on top of scar “poor brother and all the slaves are gone and all my men are gone oh well at least I can now depend on you old friend (squawk) old friend old friend” said salty and his parrot we were victorious and it turns out that leena knows where the land of magic is she led us to the land we had the milk and honey for the rest of our lives all of us has made it even the sea creatures joined us as a family we had a glorious adventure and I would never have asked for another
THE END
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Sweetrustedchild
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Bagsnotrags
- Posts: 1
- Joined: 13 Oct 2010, 17:08
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Just a bit more advise. [Always take with a grain of salt - literature, like all art, is in the eye of the beholder]
I would be a bit more descriptive. Meaning, go into detail about the scene. Your reader needs to feel like he or she is living in the moment, rather than hearing a summary of the happenings of a book. They need to smell the sea air, see the sun over the horizon, see what your characters look like, etc.
Good Luck!!!!!
I would be a bit more descriptive. Meaning, go into detail about the scene. Your reader needs to feel like he or she is living in the moment, rather than hearing a summary of the happenings of a book. They need to smell the sea air, see the sun over the horizon, see what your characters look like, etc.
Good Luck!!!!!
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BookWorm617
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WHAT???????????Webmaster wrote:If you think they are eligible for your job then you have to trust them because to start something in beginning you have to trust or else you can take from him something as security better if you trust them because now a days each and every business runs on trust and sometimes we have to loose because of trust.
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StephenKingman
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- Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-stephenkingman.html
Pretty sure that was spam nonsense, its gone now..BookWorm617 wrote:WHAT???????????Webmaster wrote:If you think they are eligible for your job then you have to trust them because to start something in beginning you have to trust or else you can take from him something as security better if you trust them because now a days each and every business runs on trust and sometimes we have to loose because of trust.
You only live once.....so live!
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Srebak
- Posts: 4
- Joined: 25 Sep 2010, 21:17
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How about this one, i'm currently in the middle a reread and rewrite at the moment though
Island of Dragons
Chapter One
(Realm of Magic)
Magic: true or false? Now there's a well known question. Some believe it to be true, and believe that all things are possible. Others believe such things are absurd and have no factual evidence. But that point of view is what has no factual evidence. Especially not in the story I'm about to tell. For my story takes place in a far away land of old. Over the mighty mountains and out in the great blue sea lies a mysterious island, referred to by only one name: The Isle of Fire. But it is more commonly known, by the birds in the air and the fish in the sea, as the Island of the Dragons. That’s right, this is a place well known to the mythical reptiles of old. This is the land where all dragons come, be they the damsel snatching lizards of Europe or the wise and benevolent serpents of Asia, all dragons are welcome to the Isle of Fire. Commanding this island and maintaining the peace is the wise and benevolent Dragon Emperor, Sauros. And for well over 2000 years, Sauros has kept the Isle of Fire in perfect order. But that's not where our story truly begins. There is one dragon that is not too fond of the way things work on the island. And that dragon is one who goes by the name of Draco.
With sapphire blue spikes and scales as red as blood, Draco appears to be an average dragon. He has likes, dislikes, fears, even plans for the future. Unfortunately, he believes that those plans aren’t likely to happen, not on the Isle of Fire. Unlike the other dragons on the island, Draco believes that he has no place here. For two main reasons; he can't fly, nor can he breathe fire. And those very abilities are what make a dragon a dragon, or so he has heard. Everyone on the island can fly and breathe fire (or ice, lightning, smoke, or anything else), everyone but Draco. His wings are too weak to fly and all he can breathe is air. Because of this, he has always felt like an outcast. But he's not the only dragon who feels that way. Far from the more plentiful parts of the island, pass the Forest of Judgment; the forest where law and order is served on the island and a few miles passed the Imperial Stones; home of Emperor Sauros, lays a dreary area, one covered with mountains and volcanoes. This area is known to the dragon locals as "The Mountains of Vulcan". And within these mountains, in the very center, stands Mount Helios. But that is only what can be seen from the outside. A closer look would reveal the flame shaped cave entrance on the side of Mount Helios. And within the cave, through the lava formed tunnel, resides an unusual molten rock formation. Not only was it formed by the lava, but it might be regarded as temple by those from the world of man.
And within this temple is a dragon of another type. This is the home of the most vile, wicked, malevolent and evil dragon of them all. This Volcanic lair, is home to the........"Imperious Volcanica" Now we all know humans aren't above having a thirst for power. One so corrupting, it begins to grow, feeding on one's very soul. Naturally, dragons are no exception to this fact of life. For many years, many dragons have succumbed to the seducing power of the dark side and sadly, Volcanica was one of the most recent victims. Her transformation was especially bad; she attempted to assume control over the entire island, as well as try to slay Emperor Sauros himself, all through a violent and dangerous coup. Fortunately, Volcanica's plot was thwarted and her punishment was exiled to the Mountains of Vulcan. There she has remained, for 900 years. But to her, the story is far from over. Years upon years, Volcanica has replayed the climax of her coup in her head and every time, she grows angrier. Volcanica has sworn terrible revenge on Sauros and every dragon that resides on the island. This plays an important part to our story, because even to this very day, Volcanica has been plotting her bloodthirsty comeback and her glorious rise to power!
As many stories have portrayed, characters of Volcanica’s type will often surround themselves with minions, so they don’t have to do the work themselves, and naturally, Volcanica was no exception. Her minions were Hobgoblins. Why Hobgoblins? True they are mainly troublesome and mischievous, not much of a danger. But one thing about Hobgoblins must be remembered, they're about as sharp as rubber balls. This makes them very easy to boss around, which Volcanica has been doing, for 700 years. But our story isn't about Volcanica or her hobgoblins; it's about our lonely little dragon, Draco. Every now and then, Draco tries to strengthen his wings by flapping them repetitively. And he practically blows his lungs out, trying to breath out fire, or at least something other than air. But, no matter how hard he tries, Draco's wings never seem to get any stronger and nothing remotely similar to fire ever comes out of his mouth. These frequent failures were more than a little discouraging for poor Draco. Because he can't fly or breathe fire, he has begun to ask himself “Am I even a real dragon?” And it was because of this feeling that makes Draco isolate himself from all other dragons. Tired from another day of disappointment, the melancholy dragon makes his way back to the Housing Canyon, an extremely deep canyon with numerous caves on all sides. Here, every dragon on the island has made a cave their home. When Draco finally arrives at his cave, he is greeted by his mother, Abigal. But still feeling sad, he simply walks by her, crawled onto a pile of straw and slowly started to fall asleep.
Island of Dragons
Chapter One
(Realm of Magic)
Magic: true or false? Now there's a well known question. Some believe it to be true, and believe that all things are possible. Others believe such things are absurd and have no factual evidence. But that point of view is what has no factual evidence. Especially not in the story I'm about to tell. For my story takes place in a far away land of old. Over the mighty mountains and out in the great blue sea lies a mysterious island, referred to by only one name: The Isle of Fire. But it is more commonly known, by the birds in the air and the fish in the sea, as the Island of the Dragons. That’s right, this is a place well known to the mythical reptiles of old. This is the land where all dragons come, be they the damsel snatching lizards of Europe or the wise and benevolent serpents of Asia, all dragons are welcome to the Isle of Fire. Commanding this island and maintaining the peace is the wise and benevolent Dragon Emperor, Sauros. And for well over 2000 years, Sauros has kept the Isle of Fire in perfect order. But that's not where our story truly begins. There is one dragon that is not too fond of the way things work on the island. And that dragon is one who goes by the name of Draco.
With sapphire blue spikes and scales as red as blood, Draco appears to be an average dragon. He has likes, dislikes, fears, even plans for the future. Unfortunately, he believes that those plans aren’t likely to happen, not on the Isle of Fire. Unlike the other dragons on the island, Draco believes that he has no place here. For two main reasons; he can't fly, nor can he breathe fire. And those very abilities are what make a dragon a dragon, or so he has heard. Everyone on the island can fly and breathe fire (or ice, lightning, smoke, or anything else), everyone but Draco. His wings are too weak to fly and all he can breathe is air. Because of this, he has always felt like an outcast. But he's not the only dragon who feels that way. Far from the more plentiful parts of the island, pass the Forest of Judgment; the forest where law and order is served on the island and a few miles passed the Imperial Stones; home of Emperor Sauros, lays a dreary area, one covered with mountains and volcanoes. This area is known to the dragon locals as "The Mountains of Vulcan". And within these mountains, in the very center, stands Mount Helios. But that is only what can be seen from the outside. A closer look would reveal the flame shaped cave entrance on the side of Mount Helios. And within the cave, through the lava formed tunnel, resides an unusual molten rock formation. Not only was it formed by the lava, but it might be regarded as temple by those from the world of man.
And within this temple is a dragon of another type. This is the home of the most vile, wicked, malevolent and evil dragon of them all. This Volcanic lair, is home to the........"Imperious Volcanica" Now we all know humans aren't above having a thirst for power. One so corrupting, it begins to grow, feeding on one's very soul. Naturally, dragons are no exception to this fact of life. For many years, many dragons have succumbed to the seducing power of the dark side and sadly, Volcanica was one of the most recent victims. Her transformation was especially bad; she attempted to assume control over the entire island, as well as try to slay Emperor Sauros himself, all through a violent and dangerous coup. Fortunately, Volcanica's plot was thwarted and her punishment was exiled to the Mountains of Vulcan. There she has remained, for 900 years. But to her, the story is far from over. Years upon years, Volcanica has replayed the climax of her coup in her head and every time, she grows angrier. Volcanica has sworn terrible revenge on Sauros and every dragon that resides on the island. This plays an important part to our story, because even to this very day, Volcanica has been plotting her bloodthirsty comeback and her glorious rise to power!
As many stories have portrayed, characters of Volcanica’s type will often surround themselves with minions, so they don’t have to do the work themselves, and naturally, Volcanica was no exception. Her minions were Hobgoblins. Why Hobgoblins? True they are mainly troublesome and mischievous, not much of a danger. But one thing about Hobgoblins must be remembered, they're about as sharp as rubber balls. This makes them very easy to boss around, which Volcanica has been doing, for 700 years. But our story isn't about Volcanica or her hobgoblins; it's about our lonely little dragon, Draco. Every now and then, Draco tries to strengthen his wings by flapping them repetitively. And he practically blows his lungs out, trying to breath out fire, or at least something other than air. But, no matter how hard he tries, Draco's wings never seem to get any stronger and nothing remotely similar to fire ever comes out of his mouth. These frequent failures were more than a little discouraging for poor Draco. Because he can't fly or breathe fire, he has begun to ask himself “Am I even a real dragon?” And it was because of this feeling that makes Draco isolate himself from all other dragons. Tired from another day of disappointment, the melancholy dragon makes his way back to the Housing Canyon, an extremely deep canyon with numerous caves on all sides. Here, every dragon on the island has made a cave their home. When Draco finally arrives at his cave, he is greeted by his mother, Abigal. But still feeling sad, he simply walks by her, crawled onto a pile of straw and slowly started to fall asleep.
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Maud Fitch
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Quote: "...they're about as sharp as rubber balls..." Love it!
Srebak, your "Island of Dragons" Chapter One (Realm of Magic) shows real promise. I know a few dragon-lovers who would enjoy reading that book!
(PS: I think the name Draco is a little over-used these days)
Srebak, your "Island of Dragons" Chapter One (Realm of Magic) shows real promise. I know a few dragon-lovers who would enjoy reading that book!
(PS: I think the name Draco is a little over-used these days)
"Every story has three sides to it - yours, mine and the facts" Foster Meharny Russell
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Gfilm
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Srebak what age group are you looking to write for?
I am just asking as there are writing differences for each age genre.
I read your story so far and I do like the idea alot.
A few suggestions.
Show the story do not tell it.
When you are visualizing each part of the story, think of it like a movie or play acting out in your head...
what do they look like? Show it
What do they smell like? Illustrate the smell
For example - Although Draco was deep inside the heart of the moss covered cave, I could feel his heartbeat. The heat that surrounded him and begged for my company. I could smell the ash covered rock as he walked by, the air looming it towards me, engulfing me like I was his next conquest.
His actions and the storyline... show the story as if you were dreaming it.
This is mainly for the young adults genre and adults.
If this is for children (older children) then as much as I hate to say it, simpler.
There are writing courses from different writer's institutes to help fellow aspiring writers with showing the story. Take a gander and look around. Your story IS there but my personal opinion, you need to show your story more if its for an older audience.
Hope this helps and Good Luck.
I am just asking as there are writing differences for each age genre.
I read your story so far and I do like the idea alot.
A few suggestions.
Show the story do not tell it.
When you are visualizing each part of the story, think of it like a movie or play acting out in your head...
what do they look like? Show it
What do they smell like? Illustrate the smell
For example - Although Draco was deep inside the heart of the moss covered cave, I could feel his heartbeat. The heat that surrounded him and begged for my company. I could smell the ash covered rock as he walked by, the air looming it towards me, engulfing me like I was his next conquest.
His actions and the storyline... show the story as if you were dreaming it.
This is mainly for the young adults genre and adults.
If this is for children (older children) then as much as I hate to say it, simpler.
There are writing courses from different writer's institutes to help fellow aspiring writers with showing the story. Take a gander and look around. Your story IS there but my personal opinion, you need to show your story more if its for an older audience.
Hope this helps and Good Luck.
