L.O.V.E. ....Cupid's Choke Hold (What does it mean to you?)

sleepydumpling · Post by **sleepydumpling** » 29 Mar 2008, 09:06

And the old adage that you need to love yourself before others can love you is SOOOOOOO true!!

Hamlet · Post by **Hamlet** » 29 Mar 2008, 09:12

sleepydumpling wrote:And the old adage that you need to love yourself before others can love you is SOOOOOOO true!!

sleepydumpling, that is a cute as hell name! i love myself, but i think self esteem can jump up and bite you in the ass and broken hearts don't help that much. i guess thats why we give ourselves time to heal. and that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. i like your pics.......reading is sexy sleepydumpling

KaeMartyndale · Post by **KaeMartyndale** » 29 Mar 2008, 09:27

sleepydumpling wrote:Whoa!! Spooky, I just blogged on the very subject! Instead of typing it out again, here's my blog... (original can be found at http://thesleepydumpling.blogspot.com)

Just been thinking about life and relationships of late. Mostly because of a few conversations I have had recently, things have been ticking over in my head.

There seems to be a perception out there that being in a relationship is the completion of one's journey in life. That's not to say it's seen as the END of one's life, but as the zenith, the pinnacle that all need to achieve to become complete. I constantly hear people say "Only one thing would make my life better... to meet The One." Or "Having someone by my side would make life complete for me."

It's got me thinking. Is that what life is really about? Just being paired up and then it's all groovy? Do people really think that just because they've found a partner, their life will suddenly get all easy and they won't have any times where they struggle, or where things could be better? Does that mean because I am single right now, that I am somehow deficient in some way?

I don't think so. I think there is only one thing that can make my life better. Me. Just like the only thing that can make your life better is YOU. My life isn't completed by having a partner. It's lovely, it's something I do want, but not to complete my life. It's there to compliment my life. Life certainly won't stop having it's "shitola" moments, where it's difficult or confusing or frightening, if I have a partner.

Which brings me to the thought that there are whole swathes of people out there that are either putting their lives on hold until they find a partner, or they're not appreciating the fabbo things about the life they are having as a single person. They're always focused on what they don't have, rather than what actually IS in their lives. I'm guilty of going through those phases too, but I've learnt over the past... well God knows how many years, that focusing on what IS, right here and now is far healthier and more satisfying than constantly lamenting, even in a jocular or wistful way, on any perceived lack in my life.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want a relationship. I do, very much so. I not only think it would be a lovely thing to share my life with someone, but I do believe that I have a LOT to bring to another person as part of a relationship. I want a family. I want romance (I am a hopeless romantic!) I want that intimate companionship. I want sex! Ok, I know, TMI there people huh?

But that said, I don't think those things are going to complete my life in any way. They'll certainly be rather delicious add-ons, but life is still rich and full and amazing without them. And in the areas that it could use some improvement, well that's my responsibility, not anyone else's. Besides, what an awful lot of pressure to put on another person! I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for the completion, the pinnacle, the zenith of anyone else's life! I want to be a complimentary feature of their lives. An enhancement feature perhaps.

Life is what you make it people. Not what other people bring to it.

You are amazing. And I definitely agree with you. Being in a relationship doesn't fix anything. And, it even adds its own garbage to the pile.

I am going to definitely have to keep these words in mind when I enter singledom again soon.

Hamlet · Post by **Hamlet** » 29 Mar 2008, 09:38

KaeMartyndale wrote:

And, it even adds its own garbage to the pile.

man hating are we?? lol

KaeMartyndale · Post by **KaeMartyndale** » 29 Mar 2008, 10:02

Hamlet wrote: man hating are we?? lol

Haha... no, not so much man hating as accepting that, although parts of being in a relationship are great, it also creates its own problems, etc.

Eckhart Aurelius Hughes · Post by **Scott** » 29 Mar 2008, 13:21

Wow, this thread grew really fast! It didn't exist yesterday morning, and now it has four pages of posts!

Anyway, overall, I think any given relationship will be either destructive or productive. I think it depends on where a person is in his or her life. When we are living are lives in an unfocused, self-deprecating way, that's the type of relationship we will get if we try to get one. But I believe when you focus your life, learn to be happy with yourself while making the best with what you have, then a healthy relationship with someone else who's similarly focused and healthy will come to be.

Perhaps, the most difficult aspect is that when we have the least hold upon our own lives, and when we have the least self-acceptance and focus, is when we feel that void and loneliness that makes us want a romantically loving relationship even though we are least ready for it.

Then again, I don't really know what I'm talking about. And it's probably very different for everybody.

sleepydumpling wrote:And the old adage that you need to love yourself before others can love you is SOOOOOOO true!!

Yes, it is.

clarebear · Post by **clarebear** » 29 Mar 2008, 16:29

I'm terminally single. I've never been in love, but I've been loved (I have been told) and I wasn't comfortable with it, I really didn't like that person enough back (as flattering as it was). I obviously have some issues of my own to sort out.
I can't ever see myself sharing with my life with another person. I dont think I have ever felt really strongly enough about someone else to want to make that commitment. Well no-one in real life anyway.
I also dont think I will find anyone who is completly compatable with myself, who will love me for exactly who I am and will not want to change me in anyway, and I will love them back.
Dont get me wrong, I dont feel sad about this, Its kinda like I would like to win the lottery but I can carry on my life without it.

Whoah that was deep!

Tracey Neal · Post by **Tracey Neal** » 29 Mar 2008, 17:24

clarebear wrote:I'm terminally single. I've never been in love, but I've been loved (I have been told) and I wasn't comfortable with it, I really didn't like that person enough back (as flattering as it was). I obviously have some issues of my own to sort out.
I can't ever see myself sharing with my life with another person. I dont think I have ever felt really strongly enough about someone else to want to make that commitment. Well no-one in real life anyway.
I also dont think I will find anyone who is completly compatable with myself, who will love me for exactly who I am and will not want to change me in anyway, and I will love them back.
Dont get me wrong, I dont feel sad about this, Its kinda like I would like to win the lottery but I can carry on my life without it.

Whoah that was deep!

You are deep Clare! Nothing wrong with that!

I guess you could say there is a certain dignity in being by ones self...I just wish someone would tell that to my outwardly open and extremely wounded heart

sleepydumpling · Post by **sleepydumpling** » 29 Mar 2008, 18:26

Hamlet wrote:but i think self esteem can jump up and bite you in the ass

You know, I don't think it's self esteem that bites us in the arse. It's ego and/or vanity. There is a big difference between having a healthy self esteem and being egotistic or vain.

And mate, you don't have to tell me about broken hearts, I'm suffering a BIG one right now. But I think my shift in thinking to that of my blog is what is healing me (slowly) and moving me forward in life, even though it's tough a lot of the time.

sleepydumpling · Post by **sleepydumpling** » 29 Mar 2008, 18:28

KaeMartyndale wrote:You are amazing. And I definitely agree with you. Being in a relationship doesn't fix anything. And, it even adds its own garbage to the pile.

I am going to definitely have to keep these words in mind when I enter singledom again soon.

Aww thank you Kae!

I think that life, no matter what is happening, adds it's positives and negatives to whatever you're carrying. Having a relationship is a lovely thing, but it does bring different challenges to those you would have while you're single.

Life is all about challenges!

Hamlet · Post by **Hamlet** » 29 Mar 2008, 18:49

sleepydumpling wrote:
Hamlet wrote:but i think self esteem can jump up and bite you in the ass
You know, I don't think it's self esteem that bites us in the arse. It's ego and/or vanity. There is a big difference between having a healthy self esteem and being egotistic or vain.

And mate, you don't have to tell me about broken hearts, I'm suffering a BIG one right now. But I think my shift in thinking to that of my blog is what is healing me (slowly) and moving me forward in life, even though it's tough a lot of the time.

well i'm not vain at all, but i guess that could be too an issue just as much as self esteem, sorry your going through a rough time, but your blog is excellent!! i guess time heals all wounds, or does it?? i guess thats another thread lol.

Tracey Neal · Post by **Tracey Neal** » 29 Mar 2008, 19:09

Scott Hughes wrote:Wow, this thread grew really fast! It didn't exist yesterday morning, and now it has four pages of posts!

Anyway, overall, I think any given relationship will be either destructive or productive. I think it depends on where a person is in his or her life. When we are living are lives in an unfocused, self-deprecating way, that's the type of relationship we will get if we try to get one. But I believe when you focus your life, learn to be happy with yourself while making the best with what you have, then a healthy relationship with someone else who's similarly focused and healthy will come to be.

Perhaps, the most difficult aspect is that when we have the least hold upon our own lives, and when we have the least self-acceptance and focus, is when we feel that void and loneliness that makes us want a romantically loving relationship even though we are least ready for it.

Then again, I don't really know what I'm talking about. And it's probably very different for everybody.

sleepydumpling wrote:And the old adage that you need to love yourself before others can love you is SOOOOOOO true!!
Yes, it is.

No, it sounds as if you know what you're talking about, thats pretty wise Scott, but how can you control who you love and when you fall in love?? What if your whole life your just half..or you know your focused but love comes walking through your doorway?? I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say here but it has some thought behind it I can assure you. I love myself, ok...I don't go around thinking I'm great or anything like that...I'm not vain...I just want to know about love thats all. Why we do the things we do. I know you gotta love yourself and all that but its nice to think you can have someone to share that with, you know "the game of life?" jumping off the edge into the unknown sounds alot more fun, if you have a hand to hold on too. Dude I need to shut up, I dunno, I feel like an ass about right now

Libellus · Post by **Libellus** » 30 Mar 2008, 07:33

Star, No way are you an ass. You cant control who you fall in love with or when. It just happens. You dont find it, it finds you. Just be ready for *when* it does and seize the day (or carpe diem - if we are showing off).

Tracey Neal · Post by **Tracey Neal** » 30 Mar 2008, 09:23

Thank you Libellus, I guess love comes when it comes, if it ever comes.
Its really hard, it seems when things in your life "are great" and you find love, but love ends up hurting you so badly that it distorts your perception of love and relationships. It leaves oneself with an ache of sorts, and there is no ready remedy to fix it. Again I'm just grabbing out of my own bag. Shocker everyone?? As of today, I really don't know if I believe in love anymore. I'm just trying to be honest here. I don't know what I believe in anymore. Maybe it will pass. Who knows. But I've been writing it all down. Love took from me my heart, be stilled my rhythm..and its my privilege as a writer to write about it as I see and feel, and at this point in time it doesn't seem to be in a positive light. I apologize if I end up offending anyone with my shades of gray that I happen to be wearing.