Review of Where are you

Post by **Diana Lowery** » 04 Dec 2022, 11:32

[Following is an official OnlineBookClub.org review of "Where are you" by Katie Herdman.]

5 out of 5 stars

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The title of this book is ambiguous because not only does a wife deal with her husband's mental disappearance due to Parkinson's disease, but she also spends a considerable amount of time looking for him physically when he wanders away from home and gets lost. It could also refer to the husband who often does not recognize his wife and keeps asking for her when she is right in front of him.

Where are you? is Katie Herdman's diary. She wrote it during the last eighteen months of her husband's life. I am glad that she published the original document and did not just use the information to turn it into a memoir. The authenticity makes her pain relatable and realistic. It is heart-breaking and poignant. Although I do appreciate the honest writing, the graphic descriptions of the couple's sex life, both before and after his diagnosis, were too personal. It made me uncomfortable to read those pages.

Herdman's entries are unusual in that they randomly switch from first person to second person. The second-person narratives are directed at her husband where she tells him all the things she can't say to him in person because he can not comprehend what she is saying. These passages create empathy for the couple. She is in despair. She only wants to keep the happy memories alive, but she is burdened with the care of her deteriorating husband. At times she is resentful and cruel to this person who has become a stranger to her. In one of her entries, she writes, "I cannot begin to imagine how worried and scared of the future you must be and this fills my heart with anguish. How can I be so callous and react badly to you? I am not sick and should be able to modify my response, instead of reacting angrily."

It is easy to empathize with Jim, Katie's husband, and the trials he is going through. Readers learn of the wonderful person he used to be from Katie's attempt to focus on the past and the good times. Jim's struggles show his distress and agony. We mourn for the wretchedness and self-pity he displays. Although most of Jim's conversations show how unaware he has become, Katie quotes him saying things such as "I want to be normal again." and "I want myself back, too."

Even though you know before you start the book that the husband is going to die at the end, it doesn't detract from the suspense. Because it is in diary form, the dates are included. While reading the July 17th entry, I knew that Jim would die in one month. Obviously, the author was not aware of the date of her husband's death a month ahead of time. This knowledge creates a type of dramatic irony that builds suspense toward the end.

Because this is a primary source, I treated the grammar errors as though they were dialogue. I was not hindered by the lack of editing; in fact, it made it feel more natural. I am not deducting any points for the inclusion of the erotic scenes because other readers may not be bothered by them. My rating is five out of five stars.

I recommend this book to anyone who is currently a caregiver for a loved one. I recommend it to older couples as they plan for their future and discuss end-of-life decisions. I recommend it to children with aging parents to help them understand what they might have to experience. I also recommend this to advocates for better health care. The problems that Katie had to endure due to lack of adequate support are unforgivable.

There are family photos and personal notes at the back of the book, which add to the genuineness. If this book is ever made into a movie, I hope the director captures the emotions correctly. It could easily take a wrong turn. I admire the author for sharing her diary. Katie Herdman is a strong, brave, admirable woman.

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Where are you
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Post by **Ilze Herholdt** » 06 Dec 2022, 06:22

I am very proud of Katie having the courage to share her story with the world. It surely couldn't have been easy. Thank you for your review.

Jennifer L. Armentrout · Post by **Hubre De Klerk** » 06 Dec 2022, 07:51

This book sounds absolutely heart-breaking but also filled with love and a lot of different emotions. I believe this book can help others as stated in the review. I can't even imagine caring for someone or when they don't recognize you anymore sometimes. I can only imagine how this affected Katie and how frustrating this could become, and I can also imagine the guilty feelings of getting frustrated or angry. This sounds like a book filled with soul!

Post by **UcheNduka** » 06 Dec 2022, 10:57

Such a sad true story with a well-thought-out caption.
I can imagine how difficult it is for Katie to be with her husband yet unable to find him.
Thanks for your honest and thorough review.

Ogunkoya Mayowa · Post by **Ogunkoya Mayowa** » 06 Dec 2022, 17:25

A book that talks about how the author deals with her husband's mental disappearance due to Parkinson's disease and also look for him when he got lost from home. This is the first time I'm hearing about this disease. I am surprised at how the author's husband doesn't recognize her when she stays Infront of him. Although I don't have anybody dealing with the disease, I will be glad to know about it. I'm glad you enjoyed reading the book. Nice review.

Hazel Mae Bagarinao · Post by **Hazel Mae Bagarinao** » 06 Dec 2022, 17:34

How hard it is to control your anger because you know, you are the one who is not sick. I feel Katie's struggle in dealing with her husband when Parkinson's disease exists. And this book seems helpful to people who have the same situation as Katie because they can get tips and lessons to handle their sick loved ones. Thanks for a very nice review, Diana.

Post by **Diana Lowery** » 08 Dec 2022, 09:29

UcheNduka wrote: ↑06 Dec 2022, 10:57 Such a sad true story with a well-thought-out caption.
I can imagine how difficult it is for Katie to be with her husband yet unable to find him.
Thanks for your honest and thorough review.

I appreciate your comment.

Post by **Diana Lowery** » 08 Dec 2022, 09:32

Ogunkoya Mayowa wrote: ↑06 Dec 2022, 17:25 A book that talks about how the author deals with her husband's mental disappearance due to Parkinson's disease and also look for him when he got lost from home. This is the first time I'm hearing about this disease. I am surprised at how the author's husband doesn't recognize her when she stays Infront of him. Although I don't have anybody dealing with the disease, I will be glad to know about it. I'm glad you enjoyed reading the book. Nice review.

Thank you for reading my review and commenting.

Grace Elkana · Post by **Grace Elkana** » 18 Dec 2022, 06:42

Katie Herdman's story is heartbreaking; no woman should go through that. I must also commend her courage; it's not easy to share these experiences with the public.

CrossK · Post by **CrossK** » 02 Jan 2023, 11:40

Nice. Reading this review made me feel sorry for Katie. I know it isn't easy, but she continued to do her duties. That is why I salute her courage. Nice review.