Review by cooldork7 -- Dying Well by Susan Ducharme Hoben
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Review by cooldork7 -- Dying Well by Susan Ducharme Hoben
[Following is a volunteer review of "Dying Well" by Susan Ducharme Hoben.]
What happens when death goes from an abstract concept to a shattering, numbing reality—especially when the death is not sudden, but gradual—and when it’s happening not to you, but to someone you love? How do you react? How do you plan for such a thing?
Those are the questions at the heart of Susan Ducharme Hoben’s powerful and moving book Dying Well: Our Journey of Love and Loss. Shortly after an annual party to celebrate her recovery from breast cancer and open heart surgery, her husband Bruce is diagnosed with a tumor which turns out to be a rare and difficult form of cancer—a “neuroendocrine tumor” which can only be treated with chemotherapy.
As Bruce devotes himself to enduring the pain and debilitation of chemotherapy treatments, Susan is right there with him. She takes on the role of being “project manager” for Bruce’s illness.
After the first series of treatments, Bruce’s cancer goes into remission and he, Susan, and their family and friends celebrate “a Christmas Miracle”. However, it turns out to be a false hope: three months later Bruce’s cancer returns, more aggressive than ever. Facing another round of chemotherapy with a lesser chance of success and concerned about how the treatment would affect his quality of life, Bruce decides to forego further treatments and face his impending death.
As Susan writes: “Bruce hadn’t given up hope; he had simply changed what he hoped for.” He and Susan turn their energies to preparing for his death: they make the necessary financial, legal, and hospice arrangements; but more importantly, they begin celebrating his life with friends, family, and business associates.
This sense of celebration that permeates Dying Well is one of the elements I really liked about the book, which begins with Susan’s “Celebration of Life” and ends with Bruce’s. In between there are visits to friends and family, trips to favorite destinations, Irish wakes and roasts. These aren’t hedonistic pleasures meant to hide or blunt the pain of dying or losing a loved one; these are examples of the courage and joy it takes to live in the present moment.
Living in the present became Bruce and Susan’s most important priority. “Time is of the essence” became their motto—time enough to prepare for death, time enough to enjoy life. They gathered the past into photographs, video tributes, and scrapbooks shared with family, friends, and colleagues. They planned for an unpleasant but now certain future. But they still packed joy and celebration into every last moment they spent together. How one’s sense of time changes as one’s reaction to death changes—from abstraction to acceptance—is an important element of this book.
Finally, I enjoyed the reverence for words and for stories—“the experience of telling and hearing stories”, as Susan puts it—which informs Dying Well and makes it more than a memoir of a long, loving relationship. Bruce and Susan were able to shape the story of Bruce’s life and their relationship and control how it would end. Susan’s task—a task she succeeded at so wonderfully—was to round out and finish Bruce’s story, and then to share it with all of us.
But Susan Ducharme Hoben shares so much more: A desire to help other people who face the same terrible choices that she and Bruce faced. Part of her desire to tell her and Bruce’s story grew from a realization that other grieving spouses had experienced “tears, anger, regret, and loneliness” in their journey of grief and healing. “Dying Well” then became more than a title of a book; it became a way to teach others how to prepare for “the most heart wrenching experience we can ever face”.
Dying Well will appeal to all of us, in some individual way, based upon personal experience. For this reviewer, the themes of celebrating life, of living in the present moment, and of telling and hearing stories all resonated strongly. Susan’s calm, practical advice on end-of-life planning and on involving family and friends in the process of “dying well” will help those looking to answer the question, “What do we do now?” But it’s the story of the “perfect fit” of a long and loving relationship that will last the longest for me.
Despite two misspellings and a misaligned paragraph, I rate this book 4 out of 4 stars. Except for these minor typos, the book is well-edited. There is an instance in the book of what could be considered profane language: at one point, a family member has T-shirts made and distributed which say “F#¢K CANCER”. Otherwise, I highly recommend this book.
At the end of Dying Well, Susan Ducharme Hoben writes, “Endings matter.” Finding a way to make our own endings and the endings of those we love matter is what this book is all about. Read this book; time is of the essence.
******
Dying Well
View: on Bookshelves | on Amazon | on iTunes
What happens when death goes from an abstract concept to a shattering, numbing reality—especially when the death is not sudden, but gradual—and when it’s happening not to you, but to someone you love? How do you react? How do you plan for such a thing?
Those are the questions at the heart of Susan Ducharme Hoben’s powerful and moving book Dying Well: Our Journey of Love and Loss. Shortly after an annual party to celebrate her recovery from breast cancer and open heart surgery, her husband Bruce is diagnosed with a tumor which turns out to be a rare and difficult form of cancer—a “neuroendocrine tumor” which can only be treated with chemotherapy.
As Bruce devotes himself to enduring the pain and debilitation of chemotherapy treatments, Susan is right there with him. She takes on the role of being “project manager” for Bruce’s illness.
After the first series of treatments, Bruce’s cancer goes into remission and he, Susan, and their family and friends celebrate “a Christmas Miracle”. However, it turns out to be a false hope: three months later Bruce’s cancer returns, more aggressive than ever. Facing another round of chemotherapy with a lesser chance of success and concerned about how the treatment would affect his quality of life, Bruce decides to forego further treatments and face his impending death.
As Susan writes: “Bruce hadn’t given up hope; he had simply changed what he hoped for.” He and Susan turn their energies to preparing for his death: they make the necessary financial, legal, and hospice arrangements; but more importantly, they begin celebrating his life with friends, family, and business associates.
This sense of celebration that permeates Dying Well is one of the elements I really liked about the book, which begins with Susan’s “Celebration of Life” and ends with Bruce’s. In between there are visits to friends and family, trips to favorite destinations, Irish wakes and roasts. These aren’t hedonistic pleasures meant to hide or blunt the pain of dying or losing a loved one; these are examples of the courage and joy it takes to live in the present moment.
Living in the present became Bruce and Susan’s most important priority. “Time is of the essence” became their motto—time enough to prepare for death, time enough to enjoy life. They gathered the past into photographs, video tributes, and scrapbooks shared with family, friends, and colleagues. They planned for an unpleasant but now certain future. But they still packed joy and celebration into every last moment they spent together. How one’s sense of time changes as one’s reaction to death changes—from abstraction to acceptance—is an important element of this book.
Finally, I enjoyed the reverence for words and for stories—“the experience of telling and hearing stories”, as Susan puts it—which informs Dying Well and makes it more than a memoir of a long, loving relationship. Bruce and Susan were able to shape the story of Bruce’s life and their relationship and control how it would end. Susan’s task—a task she succeeded at so wonderfully—was to round out and finish Bruce’s story, and then to share it with all of us.
But Susan Ducharme Hoben shares so much more: A desire to help other people who face the same terrible choices that she and Bruce faced. Part of her desire to tell her and Bruce’s story grew from a realization that other grieving spouses had experienced “tears, anger, regret, and loneliness” in their journey of grief and healing. “Dying Well” then became more than a title of a book; it became a way to teach others how to prepare for “the most heart wrenching experience we can ever face”.
Dying Well will appeal to all of us, in some individual way, based upon personal experience. For this reviewer, the themes of celebrating life, of living in the present moment, and of telling and hearing stories all resonated strongly. Susan’s calm, practical advice on end-of-life planning and on involving family and friends in the process of “dying well” will help those looking to answer the question, “What do we do now?” But it’s the story of the “perfect fit” of a long and loving relationship that will last the longest for me.
Despite two misspellings and a misaligned paragraph, I rate this book 4 out of 4 stars. Except for these minor typos, the book is well-edited. There is an instance in the book of what could be considered profane language: at one point, a family member has T-shirts made and distributed which say “F#¢K CANCER”. Otherwise, I highly recommend this book.
At the end of Dying Well, Susan Ducharme Hoben writes, “Endings matter.” Finding a way to make our own endings and the endings of those we love matter is what this book is all about. Read this book; time is of the essence.
******
Dying Well
View: on Bookshelves | on Amazon | on iTunes
Latest Review: McDowell by William H. Coles
