Need some third party advice on wedding crisis

[zeldas_lullaby]

Thanks Ashley_claire!! I appreciate that!

Oh no, RJ. She's got your number. Your fiance sounds conflict-avoidant. Reminds me A LOT of my dad, who lives downstairs. It's not a bad quality, wanting to please everyone. The problem here is that MIL is indeed using that to her advantage to "control." And she's known him his whole life, giving her the "homefield advantage."

Run. Run. Run. If you try to negotiate about the grass-cutting and such, I mean, you're fully entitled to so do. But she WANTS to have that power, that hold over the situation. Whas she doesn't want is for you to relocate the event and act like you're not that upset about the inconvenience. That would strip her of all her power over the situation. "Oh, we've decided to hold the event at such-and-such. We won't be needing your property anymore, but thanks for offering to host it initially." SCORE.

Your fiance sounds like a truly good man. But as for united fronts? How about this approach: poker face. Don't let MIL know what you're feeling or thinking, like, ever. She came to play, and so should you.

[rachel_bruhn]

I agree with what you are saying. I'm not the best at putting on a poker face (except when I actually play poker or other games). However, I have known this woman for 5 years and she truly is a good woman with the best of intentions at heart. I have learned though, that those close to her tend to give her what she wants out "appreciation" for all that she does for them. I'm not a "buy my love" kind of person, so I don't feel obligated to allow her to do something that I don't feel comfortable with. She is a woman that likes to be in control and I agree that her taking this away is her way of trying to show me that she is in control. I would much rather do as you said and take all that power away and relocate the reception. For sake of convenience I don't want to have to, but as you said: as long as I fight for keeping it the same she has power over the situation.

I think I will give it a month or so and see if things settle down and she changes her mind. If that doesn't happen, then I will go ahead and make alternate arrangements so that we can still have our reception as planned. I appreciate all of the advise from everyone and hopefully it all works out one way or another.

[zeldas_lullaby]

Yay! Keep us posted!! We're all pretty good advice givers, aren't we? We should all start a column called What Would Readers Do? Ask the Readers.

[Ursula_Minor]

Obviously this brief conversation is limited, and we aren't getting 100% of the details of the situation, so please forgive me if I've missed something, or overstepped a boundary here. It sounds a little like your MIL might feel like you're looking right past her, and only really seeing her big and beautiful (I assume) property (and, of course, her love of event planning). You might want to try spending some one on one time with her, just to hang out-- nothing wedding related. Of course, you might already be doing this regularly, in which case disregard this message.

[rachel_bruhn]

I actually think that is pretty good insight ursula_minor. I have been with my fiance for 5 years and know his family almost as long. While we haven't spent much time one-on-one, we have talked and spent family time together. From talking to my future SIL I have gathered that my FMIL expects a close relationship with her kids (myself included). I can't say that we have that kind of relationship (nor do I think I am open to that as that's not even the type of relationship I have with my own mother). I think you are on point in thinking that she possibly feels "used", especially in light of the recent events that have been going on and our disagreements on things. I think she feels like I should "compromise" and give her what she wants because she is sacrificing so much for our reception. Since I won't budge on my stance, she feels like I don't appreciate what she is doing for us and therefore doesn't want to do the reception anymore.

[kathylapan]

I did not read through the whole thread, apologies if this doesn't help at all, but we eloped because my MIL was so horrible leading up to a wedding she wasn't paying for and had nothing to do with. I empathize with you completely and recommend eloping. It's been fifteen years as of yesterday and I don't regret saving all that money and frustration one bit.

[rachel_bruhn]

We are doing a getaway wedding in Michigan. We have already booked the rental houses for everyone and we can't get back the money we have already spent on them. I told my fiance I wanted to revoke her invitation to the events because of how she was choosing to act and for pulling out after all arrangements had already been made. He completely disagreed with me about it. Sometimes it's frustrating how little he wants to try to fix things, but is happy to tell me how wrong I am. Men! haha

[bookowlie]

First, I am sorry you are going through this stressful situation with your future MIL. Now I am want you to think about a few things. Your fiance seems very close with his mom. Once you are married, you don't want your MIL to become a constant source of friction in your marriage. The other thing is that you will have a lot of other things that natural wedding-related things to deal with the upcoming months. My suggestion is to keep the peace for all involved, including you. Don't start off your marriage on the wrong foot, even if this MIL situation wasn't your doing to start with. I don't know all the particulars of what went down with her, what she is really like, why she is upset with you, etc. I do know that she will be in your life after your marriage and is not going anywhere. Try to be nice to her. Maybe you can offer to take her to lunch, just the two of you. Try to seek out her advice about things, make her feel included. You mentioned that the problems started with differences of opinions the two of you had on non-wedding related matters. Maybe you can make the first move and try to resolve whatever these things are. She is going to be part of your life after your wedding, for better or worse. Going negative right off the bat by trying to get your fiance to take sides is not the best idea, in my opinion. I know some MIL relationships aren't fixable - I am just saying it is worth a try, for everyone's sake.

-- 28 Sep 2015, 22:52 --

The other thing I wanted to add is that I know it is your wedding reception. However, keep in mind it's on her property and she initially offered to pay for it and host it. I know you want the reception to be just the way you want it. Based on her comment that she doesn't want to deal with "jumping through hoops" for you anymore, I think you have to consider that she was very nice to pay and host the party. Try to see her point of view that she was going to pay and host the reception and doesn't want to feel that she is just handing over a blank check so that you can do everything your way. I don't know her at all and it's possible she's the meanest person in the universe. Still, it might help if you saw things from her point of view.

-- 28 Sep 2015, 22:58 --

I would also recommend to let things calm down for awhile as I am sure some things were said that are soon to be regretted (if not already) and hopefully things might change quite a lot in the near future. No matter how it works out though, I believe that you should definitely not exclude her from the festivities. That is something that you can never take back or fix in the future. It is not a good way to start your relationship as part of each other's family and it would create a wound that would be long lasting in all of your lives.

Well said. I think excluding her from the festivities would be something you can never fix. When you marry someone, you marry their family.

[zeldas_lullaby]

I dated a man once whose mother would not cut the strings. Oh, she HATED me. It was wretched. This was perhaps five years ago, and I always tried to be civil and diplomatic, etc. I got her a lovely scented candle for Christmas, and she put it for sale the following springtime in her yard sale. HA HA HA. Mr. Wrong was her baby, her youngest of three boys. She was not going to unleash him on the world. No sir. And he was far younger than his brothers, so I think that was her plan from the moment he was born. The older two had wives, but not the youngest!

One of the last conversations we had involved my asking him what he wanted in our relationship. "I want you to spend time with my family and be like a new family member," he said.

I ran, shrieking, into the night, and never looked back. It seems funny now. But, uh... anyways, BookOwlie made some good points that I was kind of afraid to make: this is your future. As awful as it seems, you've got to ask yourself if you're OK with it.

[kathylapan]

I hate to tell you this, but the way your fiance is about his mother, and the way his mother treats you, this will NEVER change. Fifteen years I've been dealing with it and we are now separating. Not saying you can't work it out, but just a heads up.

[bookowlie]

Rachel,
I don't get the impression your FMIL doesn't like you. You know her for several years and admitted that she is a very nice person. It just sounds like there is more to the story since you mentioned non-wedding matters that you disagree on. Hopefully, you can work it out because it sounds like you liked her all the time you were dating.

[kathylapan]

This is just me, but short of possibly attempting to kill me or my kid, there's nothing a prospective child in law could do that would make me not want to go to my child's wedding.

[bookowlie]

You said you're a perfectionist. She was going to pay for, host, and help plan the reception. These two things don't usually go together. My advice is to be a little more laid back about the wedding prep. Not everything has to be exactly the way you want it, particularly if you have someone else providing the property and paying for it. Your MIL seems to have experience hosting parties so it will be fine. The marriage is what's important in the scheme of things.

[Hmsmith06]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I just got married four months ago so I know how stressful and frustrating wedding planning is, and that is without the added drama of an unappealing future mother in law. My advice to you would be to invite her anyway. She is the mother of your future husband and if you don't invite her, the two of you may never be able to sort out your differences. But if you invite her, there is a chance that tempers could calm and the two of you could get along in the future. I just don't want you to do something that you would regret in the future.

[Rennie96]

This was very interesting post. Thanks guys for your valuable replies. Weddings are so costly and everyone wants to have best wedding ceremony. So they spend a large amount on the weddings. I am also finding some beautiful wedding venues nyc but within my budget. Actually I have very low wedding budget.