Need some third party advice on wedding crisis

[rachel_bruhn]

I love how insightful everyone is! I have been intentionally leaving out the drama of what is going on outside of the wedding stuff since I am looking for tips on the wedding aspect. However, reading through comments I think bookowlie hit it right on the nose: we need to try to mend the other stuff before we can try to mend the wedding stuff.

I have actually been very hands-off with the reception stuff. I met with my FMIL a few times and discussed details (like menu, decorations, etc.). She had some very lovely ideas that I wasn't a huge fan of, but decided that I could trust her judgment on those things. I appreciated her wanting to do the reception, so I wasn't going to nit pick about all the details. It didn't conform to the plan that I had in mind, but I knew it would still look good.

Personally, I think her "jumping through hoops" reasoning was just an excuse she gave. I think there is something deeper going on there, which takes me back to trying to mend the other stuff first. Even if we do manage to mend the relationship part, there is no guarantee that she will consent to host again or consent to let us use the property, so I may still be stuck trying to make new plans. I will give it some time for us to try to mend things (I reached out at the end of last week to try to start that), but within the next month or so I will have to make the call and pick a new venue.

[ALynnPowers]

I'm probably the last person in the world to give advice revolving around a marriage, but this situation just sounds sooooooo eerily familiar to me, I've got to stick my nose it in.

Beware of the mother-in-law, especially if money is involved. If she ends up getting her way (by paying for it) in this early stage of the marriage, she is going to get her way in everything. That's just my experience.
And if your husband takes her side instead of yours, GET OUT NOW. I wish someone had told me that before it was too late for me. Hahaha.

[rachel_bruhn]

My fiance and I had a long talk (after a long fight) about how he reacted to it all. Being raised by his mother, logically he shares many of the same opinions as her on things. He's also more laid back and doesn't see a problem with pretty much anything. I, on the other hand, have a very different point of view on a lot of things and I stand up for what I believe in to no end. Recently this has created friction between myself and his mother because she wants to do things with our son that I don't agree with. My fiance see no harm in it, but I have justifiable concerns for them. His mother is a very compassionate and giving woman, so her family feels obligated to reciprocate that affection by allowing her to do whatever she wants with her grandkids. I have now stepped on toes because I said no and am still saying no.

She and I are supposed to be meeting this weekend for dinner. My hope is to avoid the wedding stuff (unless she brings it up) and focus more on the bigger issues at hand.

[bluemel4]

@rachel_jacks Have you tried seeking advice on The Knot? I know when I was wedding planning The Knot was very helpful.

[rachel_bruhn]

I had to create an account (my wedding site is on wedding.com) and you have to be a member for like 3 days before you can post to the forums. So, nope, I haven't sought their advice yet.

[bluemel4]

It was nice to talk with people going through similar issues around wedding planning. I think I would have been lost without it.

[rachel_bruhn]

Well, up to this point everything has been going pretty well! I am just in shock that she would do something like this for her son's wedding and try to blame it on me. Honestly, I am worried that we won't have an official reception for the wedding because I don't know where I am going to come up with the extra money to cover everything we would need for the reception. My fiance is so "whatever" about it and says we'll still have it whether she helps or not. He flipped out when I told him that we, personally, were looking at about $4000 out of pocket for the wedding stuff (some of which we will get back as it is a deposit that has already been paid on the rental properties for the ceremony/honeymoon). Most of the wedding stuff I have put on my designated "wedding" credit card with the intent of paying it off completely with our tax refund. My family can't afford to help out any more than they already are. At this point, I need a free venue, a ridiculously cheap caterer, and low budget decorations that still look good.

-- 02 Oct 2015, 10:04 --

So, I posted a thread on The Knot and I will never do that again! I am being attacked for our choice of wedding ceremony, which has nothing to do with my dilemma on the wedding reception. People can be cruel.

[zeldas_lullaby]

Ouch. What total <bleep>s. You'd better stick with this forum! And I'm sure your choice of wedding ceremony is a lovely decision!!

[rachel_bruhn]

We are doing our ceremony in Michigan...like a destination wedding except not tropical. lol We opted to have a larger reception afterwards so that everyone could come and celebrate. There are people arguing that it is wrong of us to have the reception separate from the ceremony, especially since we are not inviting everyone to the ceremony. Therefore, the issue that I am dealing with doesn't matter because our whole plan is wrong to begin with.

[zeldas_lullaby]

Geez. They seem mean. So they're, like, attacking the background info you gave them instead of honing in on your question? AARGH. That doesn't seem friendly. I'm not well-versed in weddings, but your plans sound fine to me!

[rachel_bruhn]

I didn't even include that info in my original post. One commenter asked for clarification about the "getaway wedding" I referred to and I explained what our plan was. From that point forward the focus became about how inappropriate it all was. I understand from a traditional wedding standpoint that it does not follow proper etiquette to have the ceremony, without inviting everyone, and then a separate reception where you invite more people. People enjoy coming to the reception because it is a thank you for coming to the ceremony. To me, our reception is a chance for families to come together and celebrate our union, regardless of when or where that happened. Lots of people elope, go to the court house, or go somewhere completely different to have their ceremony. These people are not barred from having a reception! If people feel that it is not proper, then they don't have to come. I don't feel like I should sit there and listen to strangers criticize me because I'm not following wedding etiquette to a T, when I am asking for advice on something completely different.

I am definitely sticking around here where people are nicer and actually trying to help me!

[zeldas_lullaby]

Woo hoo!! Yeah, we all try to be nice here. (We don't always succeed, I know I sure don't, but we always try.)

Yeeouch. It sounds like you stumbled upon a place where alligators are circling with ulterior motives, ready to attack.

That's what's so great about this forum: what would our ulterior motive be... read more books?

That raises an interesting point, though. Even on this forum, we don't, say, attack everyone who chooses paperback over eReader, or everyone who chooses children's literature over classics, etc.

I'm sorry you had that awful experience. I've been considering trying out other forums (for interests other than reading/writing), and now I know to proceed with caution.

[bookowlie]

Hi Rachel,
In my opinion, there is no right or wrong regarding having a ceremony separate from the reception. What about people who want to have a simple ceremony at the courthouse or an out-of-town church that was their hometown or meaningful for some other reason? One of my friends got married more than 20 years ago in a destination wedding and reception about 6 hours away from where we lived. They were avid skiers and wanted to get married in a ski resort town in January, and then stay there for a 2-week honeymoon afterward. Well, there were definitely people that didn't attend, including me, because of the long drive, added expense of staying in a hotel for the weekend, and, most importantly, the icy/snowy road conditions that time of year. Still, it was their choice to have the wedding and reception the way they wanted it, not for anyone else to judge their choices. The funniest (in a weird way) ending of the story is that my friend broke her leg skiing on the first day of the honeymoon. I thought it was strange that she called me on her honeymoon until I found out the reason.

-- 02 Oct 2015, 12:35 --

My point is that if you want a ceremony in a place and time separate from the reception, that's for you to decide.

[rachel_bruhn]

My point is that if you want a ceremony in a place and time separate from the reception, that's for you to decide.

I totally agree! Funny that your friend sounds a lot like me! We are getting married in Michigan for the snow and skiing. We live in Indiana and the place we selected is only a 2 hour drive from us. I originally looked into staying at a resort, but prices were ridiculous and most were up at the northern tip of Michigan (like an 8 hour drive). Plus my fiance did not want to spend our whole honeymoon just skiing, so I looked around at other options. I found rental houses on the lake just across the border and close to a place to go skiing. It is near larger towns, so there are other things to do, plus we have full kitchen and other amenities on site that we can use. We opted not to invite EVERYONE to the ceremony because we won't have space for everyone. The wedding party and immediate family will be staying the houses with us for the weekend (they are welcome to stay longer, but most said they would not be able to). We wanted to have a larger reception so that our friends and family could celebrate with us, even if it wasn't that day. I want people to be able to celebrate and I feel like we won't get as many people if we tell everyone to drive to Michigan and freeze their butts off. Here's to hoping that I don't injure myself skiing!

[bookowlie]

I hope I didn't scare you off by telling you that she broke her leg! Her new husband, at the time, was kind of a jerk (in my opinion) in that he went off skiing everyday with their friends, some of whom stayed up there that week to ski after the wedding. She called me from the hotel room because she basically hung out there while we went skiing!

As for your destination, your explanation answered whether you were going to married in Traverse City or one of the resorts nearby. We lived in Traverse City for 2 years!