Feedback please

[JM]

I had The Catcher In The Rye in the back of my head while writing this. It isn't really a story but I was planning on turning it into one, using similar themes. I am aware of the shoddy grammar, it was intentional.

I wake up in my bed. I have a duvet, a mattress, a lamp. I go downstairs. I have food from the supermarket, a microwave, a fridge. Then I go to school. I travel miles in my car every day; I see other cars, shops.

This is lunacy.

It often makes me angry. It’s deviant. Everything around me is so f*cking unnatural. I’m supposed to go to university, supposed to get a job, supposed to turn into a successful businessman. I tell my parents I want to be a lawyer. F*ck that. It makes no sense to me. Why do people follow laws? The only laws are of nature.

Humans make life out to be more than it is. We are programmed to stay alive long enough to breed. And then try to breed again. We’re all sluts. That’s all. Not teachers, artists, firemen – sluts.

The whole concept of society boggles me. It makes me wild. That’s how we should be. Wild. If somebody steals from you, you should bash them over the head with a big rock and take whatever they stole back. f*ck calling the police.

I really do hate my parents. They’re nice and everything, but they’re like everybody else. Sluts. And that’s why I’m here. And that’s why I hate my parents. I hate them for me.

Suicide has crept into everybody’s head. Don’t kid yourself, you’ve thought about it. Other animals have the will to live. They do everything they can and more to stay alive. Then to breed. Then repeat. Us? We do everything we can to kill ourselves. Drinking, smoking, drugs. Whatever.

Do the positives of life outweigh the negatives? Nope. My life is made up of feeling shitty with moments of happiness in between. You must think I’m weird. You suspect I'm messed up in the head. The fact is that I’m relatively popular at school. I’m pretty good looking too. Lastly, I’m clever.

I think that could be the problem. I’m a genius. I often think I’m different. I sort of philosophize sh*t quite a lot. Maybe I’m arrogant.

I want to do something.

Not like watch TV, not like go shopping, not like play FIFA… I want to do something special, something memorable. It sounds disgusting – awful – but I often think that I would love a war to break out. Not some bullshit in Afghanistan or something. I mean a real war. A war which happened here, in my country. Can you imagine the thrill? Have I just watched too many Hollywood movies and played too much COD? Maybe. But I’d love to find out.

Is this is a pile of crap? Feedback please.

[StephenKingman]

You have a lot of anger there! I think you have a talent with the words but i dont understand where you are going with regards theme etc, it comes across as an angry rap but if you focus that talent then i liked it a lot.

[JM]

You have a lot of anger there! I think you have a talent with the words but i dont understand where you are going with regards theme etc, it comes across as an angry rap but if you focus that talent then i liked it a lot.

Haha, it's the anger of my protagonist really. He's an anarchistic teenager who finds his safe, boring, easy life depressing. Throughout the novel he will attempt to overcome the actual concept of society by forming a band of followers who harass the government (for example: by blowing up railway lines). He evolves from an ordinary - albeit depressed - little boy at the beginning of the book, into a crazy young man with wild ambitions; he digs underground hideaways and mimicks many scenes from books and films that he's read (for example: taking from the rich in order to give to the poor - Robin Hood). That's what I had planned anyway.

Thanks for commenting.

[Fran]

You have a lot of anger there! I think you have a talent with the words but i dont understand where you are going with regards theme etc, it comes across as an angry rap but if you focus that talent then i liked it a lot.

Haha, it's the anger of my protagonist really. He's an anarchistic teenager who finds his safe, boring, easy life depressing. Throughout the novel he will attempt to overcome the actual concept of society by forming a band of followers who harass the government (for example: by blowing up railway lines). He evolves from an ordinary - albeit depressed - little boy at the beginning of the book, into a crazy young man with wild ambitions; he digs underground hideaways and mimicks many scenes from books and films that he's read (for example: taking from the rich in order to give to the poor - Robin Hood). That's what I had planned anyway.

Thanks for commenting.

Are you creating some kind of sociopath or serial killer there?

[JM]

Are you creating some kind of sociopath or serial killer there?

Not really. He doesn't go around killing people. His aim will become to disrupt society in such a manner as to collapse it and create a state of anarchy in his home country.

Bare in mind that I'm still brainstorming.

[Carusmm]

Are you creating some kind of sociopath or serial killer there?

Not really. He doesn't go around killing people. His aim will become to disrupt society in such a manner as to collapse it and create a state of anarchy in his home country.

Bare in mind that I'm still brainstorming.

More nihilism, JM, lay it on thick if you want, think quiet rage, think cracked teeth, think slow suicide, think death by cop, think Fight Club.

[Jp1978]

He's an anarchistic teenager who finds his safe, boring, easy life depressing.

Hmm... so he blows stuff up. To be honest that's kind of annoying, it seems the character thinks himself better than anyone else, which is kind of hypocritical. Which is great if that's what you're going for.

[Carla Hurst]

I think you have created an interesting character. I would like to see the story development

[Webmaster]

As you think this cant be happen in real world we can just imagine this things and can be seen in movies or in serial because law is framed for not only you or me but also it is applicable for those who made it so everyone has to follow it. If everyone starts thinking like you this world may turn into hell so it is better if you remove these thoughts from your mind.

[Modymilly12]

To be honest that's kind of annoying, it seems the character thinks himself better than anyone else, which is kind of hypocritical. Which is great if that's what you're going for.

[Book lover loni]

i love it i want to hear more! lol im not exactly a teenager anymore at 20 but i feel i can relate to a lot of what is said in that small passage, that feeling of 'is this all there is?' you have talent there. keep it up i would definitly go out and buy the book

[GotThatSwing]

Not a crap. Sounds interesting. Keep writing

[BookWorm617]

I thought it was interesting and I would read further however you curse to much!!! Cursing is good at times but in the small part you have posted it's overkill.

[Damnmylife]

Very interesting. I think I am going to read it again and digest it a little and let you know what I think about. I am curious to read more so that's a good think.

[Natali123]

Nice work done, I must say you have given such an intelligent plot for the story that one can bound to read on and on. I like the way you carried out the whole thing.