Thought of Love

[Afolabi JaySmile]

Thought Of Love

The look in your eyes...
Catches my heart,
I feel not am living nor am dead
My mind-state is undefined.

In ocean of love
I seems to be drown
Hold my hands, for with you am in love
Leave me not, else down i will be drown.

In my dreams, your appearance ceases not
But in reality, even only your face I sees not
My dreams appear to be reality
The reality is just an illusion

You have come too closer
My heart can't beat any longer
You act like we are lovers
But obviously we are both heart players

You came and went away with my heart
Leaving my body and soul possess in your love
And Giving me no chances...
To possess love for nothing.
We are the compassionate lovers.

What I feel is actually what she's feeling
What I express is in relation to her expressions
My do are her deeds
My thinking is apparently her thoughts
We both share one heart, a mind and a soul.

[DATo]

There are some grammatical errors which leads me to suspect that English is not your first language. This does not matter because the meaning of what you write is very clear. An interesting device which may actually make the errors useful would be to give the poem a title which suggests that the two people mentioned in the poem are from different countries. This would actually enhance the poem for it would suggest that the speaker is from a non-English speaking country expressing love for someone who is from an English speaking country. This would validate the grammar for it suggests that the narrator is speaking in his own true voice.

Your poem is a lovely expression of love. I compliment you for your poem and thank you for sharing it with us.

[Afolabi JaySmile]

Wow....This is what have actually being expecting.
Sir DaTo, Thanks for the Criticism. And your guess is right. Am a Nigerian, Yoruba precisely.
However I sees no Grammatical errors and would be Glad if you can help in Highlighting the errors.

A title like?

[DATo]

Wow....This is what have actually being expecting.
Sir DaTo, Thanks for the Criticism. And your guess is right. Am a Nigerian, Yoruba precisely.
However I sees no Grammatical errors and would be Glad if you can help in Highlighting the errors.

A title like?

Hello Afolabi,

Here is the poem in which I have highlighted what I perceive to be errors and how I would write it properly in English.

The look in your eyes...
Catches my heart,
I feel not am living nor am dead I feel I am neither living or dead
My mind-state is undefined. Could also be written "State of mind"

In ocean of love In (an) ocean of love
I seems to be drown No 'S' at the end of "seem" or: "I seem to be drowning" might be better
Hold my hands, for with you am in love
Leave me not, else down i will be drown. "Leave me not lest I drown" or "Leave me not or I shall drown

In my dreams, your appearance ceases not You appear in my dreams always
But in reality, even only your face I sees not But in reality I do not even see your face
My dreams appear to be reality
The reality is just an illusion

You have come too closer "Closer" should be "close"
My heart can't beat any longer
You act like we are lovers
But obviously we are both heart players "Heart players" works poetically but a better choice would be "pretending" or "pretenders"

You came and went away with my heart You came and took away my heart
Leaving my body and soul possess in your love Leaving me only to possess you with my love
And Giving me no chances... "chances" should be "chance" or "opportunity"
To possess love for nothing.
We are the compassionate lovers.

What I feel is actually what she's feeling
What I express is in relation to her expressions
My do are her deeds This also works but perhaps a better phrasing would be "What I do are her deeds"
My thinking is apparently her thoughts
We both share one heart, a mind and a soul. This is fine but I would say "We both possess one heart, one mind, one soul.

[Afolabi JaySmile]

Wow....This is what have actually being expecting.
Sir DaTo, Thanks for the Criticism. And your guess is right. Am a Nigerian, Yoruba precisely.
However I sees no Grammatical errors and would be Glad if you can help in Highlighting the errors.

A title like?

Hello Afolabi,

Here is the poem in which I have highlighted what I perceive to be errors and how I would write it properly in English.

The look in your eyes...
Catches my heart,
I feel not am living nor am dead I feel I am neither living or dead
My mind-state is undefined. Could also be written "State of mind"

In ocean of love In (an) ocean of love
I seems to be drown No 'S' at the end of "seem" or: "I seem to be drowning" might be better
Hold my hands, for with you am in love
Leave me not, else down i will be drown. "Leave me not lest I drown" or "Leave me not or I shall drown

In my dreams, your appearance ceases not You appear in my dreams always
But in reality, even only your face I sees not But in reality I do not even see your face
My dreams appear to be reality
The reality is just an illusion

You have come too closer "Closer" should be "close"
My heart can't beat any longer
You act like we are lovers
But obviously we are both heart players "Heart players" works poetically but a better choice would be "pretending" or "pretenders"

You came and went away with my heart You came and took away my heart
Leaving my body and soul possess in your love Leaving me only to possess you with my love
And Giving me no chances... "chances" should be "chance" or "opportunity"
To possess love for nothing.
We are the compassionate lovers.

What I feel is actually what she's feeling
What I express is in relation to her expressions
My do are her deeds This also works but perhaps a better phrasing would be "What I do are her deeds"
My thinking is apparently her thoughts
We both share one heart, a mind and a soul. This is fine but I would say "We both possess one heart, one mind, one soul.

Sir, with a deep sense of Appreciation. I say a big thank you. Am so elated and grateful at the same time.
With your great effort on this, it looks more poetical and perfect.

You are Great sir. I appreciate your time and effort. And I most say this am loving you sir.

[DATo]

Sir, with a deep sense of Appreciation. I say a big thank you. Am so elated and grateful at the same time.
With your great effort on this, it looks more poetical and perfect.

You are Great sir. I appreciate your time and effort. And I most say this am loving you sir.

Afolabi,

Thank you for your kind words to me, but I am not "great". You are the great one, for he who understands love as you do and can express it to another in a language not his own is blessed. Though we are from different countries and speak different languages you are my brother, as all people are brothers and sisters, though some live and die without realizing it. I send my best wishes to you in Nigeria.

[Afolabi JaySmile]

Sir, your kind is indeed rare. Your are full of humanity and compassion.
Thanks for much. Am Happy knowing you and wish to receive more your corrections on my work.

-- 09 Apr 2017, 06:32 --

Sir, with a deep sense of Appreciation. I say a big thank you. Am so elated and grateful at the same time.
With your great effort on this, it looks more poetical and perfect.

You are Great sir. I appreciate your time and effort. And I most say this am loving you sir.

Afolabi,

Thank you for your kind words to me, but I am not "great". You are the great one, for he who understands love as you do and can express it to another in a language not his own is blessed. Though we are from different countries and speak different languages you are my brother, as all people are brothers and sisters, though some live and die without realizing it. I send my best wishes to you in Nigeria.

Sir, your kind is indeed rare. Your are full of humanity and compassion.
Thanks for much. Am Happy knowing you and wish to receive more your corrections on my work.