Snippets of Hell - Please Critique as harsh as you like!
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Bearofnaturespirit
- Posts: 7
- Joined: 06 Apr 2011, 11:46
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Snippets of Hell - Please Critique as harsh as you like!
Well, I have been writing...I don't know how long now, honestly. I love to do it, but I don't believe i am any good and need help in every aspect. I have had many people tell me this is great, so i wanted to get some more opinions. This is the Prologue to "Snippets of Hell" but also is a prologue to a series of books that will all intertwine with each other. Please critique harshly, for the more harsh the better outcome. Any questions, please ask away!
Warning!! I have been told it is extremely dark, although i don't believe it is, and it will get much worse if i continue posting. Everything is for a reason and hopefully you will see the point in the later posts. Have to post this because i have gotten in a lot of trouble, to the point of almost getting kicked off a website for not putting a warning, so i don't want to take the chance. It will get descriptive
Copywright
Tarran Gill
June 11-2010
An eerie silence filled the room upon the man’s entering, stopping him inches from the doorway. Usually the creaking of wood under his feet or the howling of his dog would welcome him home, but tonight neither sounded, which allowed discomfort to be his host. This discomfort intensified as deaths aroma filled his lungs, but not intense enough to stop him from proceeding into his home.
Immediately after the man was completely in his apartment and his keys hit the table to his left, the door slammed shut without a sound receding from the impact; therefore, he didn’t take any notice of the incident nor did the man take notice of the dreary atmosphere’s warnings. The little unease he felt left as he sat on the love seat in front of the TV, closed his eyes and allowed comfort to flood his soul.
“Braham, I don’t feel so good,” a boy’s voice sounded from the doorway, breaking the silence and making the man flip open his eyes as he turned toward the door. “What did you do?”
Braham stood without hesitance, walked to a cabinet in the kitchen and took a bottle of pills from the left cabinet above the sink. I don’t want to remember, he thought to himself as he popped the pills in his mouth as he turned toward the couch. He closed his eyes as he leaned against the sink, hands gripping its edges. It’s over.
“Help me, please.” The little boys voice came with a cool slide of a hand down Braham’s arm, sending chills down his spine. Forcing his eyes open, Braham now stared at an eleven year old boy standing in front of him, light reflecting off his hazel eyes. His short brown hair intensified his pale white body covered in black clothing. A black water-like substance ran down his eyes and hit the ground freezing at its touch.
“Josh, you can’t be here, your dea...” Before he could finish his stuttering statement, another familiar face walked up behind the child. The teenager stood about two feet above Josh. His black eyes pierced Braham’s soul, inflicting pain. His thin, but muscular frame was hidden behind a black trench-coat that was held to his chest by his crossed arms.
“Do I get a hi? How are you?” The teenager said this with a comforting grin. “It’s been awhile, dad.” After turning to face Josh, the teenager bent down and spoke quietly to him as Braham slowly moved toward the fridge. His eyes didn’t change their gaze as he used his left hand to grab a gun on the refrigerator. The sound of the metal barrel sliding caught the teens attention, but not before Braham held the 9mm in both his trembling hands.
“You going to shoot your son?” The teenager rose without fear. His calmness made Braham uneasy and the words hurt him. Was he going to shoot his own son?
“How are you here?” That’s all Braham could force from his lips. “I watched the place go up in flames ” With his boots clicking on the tile, the teenager moved forward without fear. “I know that’s what you wish, but I was drug out. I will be out of your way, but first I need the keys. You have played God long enough.”
Braham about dropped the gun with that question, but forced his hands steady. How do you know about them? What else do you know?
“Get out! You have no power here ”
“Are you sure you aren’t in my domain?” The teenager laughed as he continued forward. “So...we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. You decide.”
A click receded from the barrel of the gun, but no bullets took flight. A few more tries, but nothing. The man’s eyes filled with fear and his body’s trembling increased as the teenager continued forward. Braham couldn’t move, no matter how hard he tried. Something held him and he knew who. He was in the teenagers domain.
“Fine,” more quickly then a blink of an eye, the teenager stood face to face to Braham. His eyes filled with the fire of anger as he grabbed the man by the neck and began to lift him without the motion of struggle. Braham just watched behind the attacker as dozens of young boys began to pull themselves out of the floor boards.
“One more chance, where are they?” Silence filled the room for minutes as the children’s newly formed figures began to move toward the men with blood making a path from where they began. This caused Braham to try everything to get free, for he knew they wanted him. He caused this and they wanted revenge, but the teenager’s grip wouldn’t loosen nor would his strength dwindle.
“Cool,” the teenager lifted his hand to the man’s skull as he said this with great enthusiasm. “We will do this the fun way.”
As if the man was water, the teenager dug his arm into the man’s forehead. He moved his hand back and forth as the man screamed in agony and his escape attempt escalated. An attempt that was worthless. There was no escape.
“Don’t worry, dad. The pain is only temporary and you are needed. The nightmare will be over shortly.”
Warning!! I have been told it is extremely dark, although i don't believe it is, and it will get much worse if i continue posting. Everything is for a reason and hopefully you will see the point in the later posts. Have to post this because i have gotten in a lot of trouble, to the point of almost getting kicked off a website for not putting a warning, so i don't want to take the chance. It will get descriptive
Copywright
Tarran Gill
June 11-2010
An eerie silence filled the room upon the man’s entering, stopping him inches from the doorway. Usually the creaking of wood under his feet or the howling of his dog would welcome him home, but tonight neither sounded, which allowed discomfort to be his host. This discomfort intensified as deaths aroma filled his lungs, but not intense enough to stop him from proceeding into his home.
Immediately after the man was completely in his apartment and his keys hit the table to his left, the door slammed shut without a sound receding from the impact; therefore, he didn’t take any notice of the incident nor did the man take notice of the dreary atmosphere’s warnings. The little unease he felt left as he sat on the love seat in front of the TV, closed his eyes and allowed comfort to flood his soul.
“Braham, I don’t feel so good,” a boy’s voice sounded from the doorway, breaking the silence and making the man flip open his eyes as he turned toward the door. “What did you do?”
Braham stood without hesitance, walked to a cabinet in the kitchen and took a bottle of pills from the left cabinet above the sink. I don’t want to remember, he thought to himself as he popped the pills in his mouth as he turned toward the couch. He closed his eyes as he leaned against the sink, hands gripping its edges. It’s over.
“Help me, please.” The little boys voice came with a cool slide of a hand down Braham’s arm, sending chills down his spine. Forcing his eyes open, Braham now stared at an eleven year old boy standing in front of him, light reflecting off his hazel eyes. His short brown hair intensified his pale white body covered in black clothing. A black water-like substance ran down his eyes and hit the ground freezing at its touch.
“Josh, you can’t be here, your dea...” Before he could finish his stuttering statement, another familiar face walked up behind the child. The teenager stood about two feet above Josh. His black eyes pierced Braham’s soul, inflicting pain. His thin, but muscular frame was hidden behind a black trench-coat that was held to his chest by his crossed arms.
“Do I get a hi? How are you?” The teenager said this with a comforting grin. “It’s been awhile, dad.” After turning to face Josh, the teenager bent down and spoke quietly to him as Braham slowly moved toward the fridge. His eyes didn’t change their gaze as he used his left hand to grab a gun on the refrigerator. The sound of the metal barrel sliding caught the teens attention, but not before Braham held the 9mm in both his trembling hands.
“You going to shoot your son?” The teenager rose without fear. His calmness made Braham uneasy and the words hurt him. Was he going to shoot his own son?
“How are you here?” That’s all Braham could force from his lips. “I watched the place go up in flames ” With his boots clicking on the tile, the teenager moved forward without fear. “I know that’s what you wish, but I was drug out. I will be out of your way, but first I need the keys. You have played God long enough.”
Braham about dropped the gun with that question, but forced his hands steady. How do you know about them? What else do you know?
“Get out! You have no power here ”
“Are you sure you aren’t in my domain?” The teenager laughed as he continued forward. “So...we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. You decide.”
A click receded from the barrel of the gun, but no bullets took flight. A few more tries, but nothing. The man’s eyes filled with fear and his body’s trembling increased as the teenager continued forward. Braham couldn’t move, no matter how hard he tried. Something held him and he knew who. He was in the teenagers domain.
“Fine,” more quickly then a blink of an eye, the teenager stood face to face to Braham. His eyes filled with the fire of anger as he grabbed the man by the neck and began to lift him without the motion of struggle. Braham just watched behind the attacker as dozens of young boys began to pull themselves out of the floor boards.
“One more chance, where are they?” Silence filled the room for minutes as the children’s newly formed figures began to move toward the men with blood making a path from where they began. This caused Braham to try everything to get free, for he knew they wanted him. He caused this and they wanted revenge, but the teenager’s grip wouldn’t loosen nor would his strength dwindle.
“Cool,” the teenager lifted his hand to the man’s skull as he said this with great enthusiasm. “We will do this the fun way.”
As if the man was water, the teenager dug his arm into the man’s forehead. He moved his hand back and forth as the man screamed in agony and his escape attempt escalated. An attempt that was worthless. There was no escape.
“Don’t worry, dad. The pain is only temporary and you are needed. The nightmare will be over shortly.”
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Nullifygirls
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Maud Fitch
- Posts: 2730
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Immediately very intense and I like that, full on, no half measures. I imagined a gloomy old rundown house. It's a scalp-crawling scenario and one that makes me fearful about the ending. <shiver>
"Every story has three sides to it - yours, mine and the facts" Foster Meharny Russell
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Bearofnaturespirit
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Thanks Maud, appreciate your feed back. I was hoping it was intense and got people awaiting the end. Hopefully it caught your attention with that also.
Nullifygirls, I am sorry, what do you mean? I know its sarcasm...wait *looks at list of stuff* is this in the wrong place? I saw others like this and assumed it was. If it is and can be directed where it should go, if anywhere (I will look again,now that my computer is letting me see more of the threads, but there are still some blanks, computer is dumb) I am happy to move it. I am sorry, i don't use forumns really.
Nullifygirls, I am sorry, what do you mean? I know its sarcasm...wait *looks at list of stuff* is this in the wrong place? I saw others like this and assumed it was. If it is and can be directed where it should go, if anywhere (I will look again,now that my computer is letting me see more of the threads, but there are still some blanks, computer is dumb) I am happy to move it. I am sorry, i don't use forumns really.
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Carla Hurst
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